Page 66 - issue
P. 66
Shidduchim
CELEBRATING 32 YEARS! It can be challenging, however, to properly articulate why
one feels that this person is not right for them. It is some-
B ROTH ERS B R OT HE R S thing that one might know and feel but that can prove
hard to put into words. When that is the case, what is often
2014 B RO T HE RS reported to the shadchan is something along these lines:
“You know, he/she is really great, really exactly what I am
B ROT H ER S looking for. This person is going to be a great
husband/wife and father/mother, but his/her hobbies are
Previous Awards different from mine, so we must be incompatible” or “I was
2014 – 2007 unimpressed with a vort he said on one of our dates” or
“She has blond hair, and I prefer brown hair” or “I won’t
32 date anyone shorter than five-foot-five or taller than six-
foot-one, so I would like to move on.”
CHANA
None of us wants to sound mean for saying no to another
Offers a Jewish community response date, but please know that the responsibility of building up
to persons who experience abuse and this young man or woman does not fall on your shoulders.
other forms of interpersonal trauma. Shadchanim do not expect that every young man and woman
they set up will get married just because they suggested it. But
• Community Awareness Programs when a shadchan hears a response like those above, it often
• Legal Advocacy leaves them wondering: “You just told me that this person is
• Educational Workshops for all ages exactly what you want, will be a great husband/wife and
• Trauma Therapy father/mother, but her hair is the wrong color or his hobbies
• Supportive Counseling are different from yours, so you want to end it?!”
• Consultations for Institutions & Professionals
If one has come to the conclusion that it is time to end
For more information about our programs, visit it, but can’t quite find the right words to explain their deci-
chanabaltimore.org or call 410-234-0030. sion, sometimes it is best not to give a specific reason. It
can be far more effective to simply say, “Thank you for set-
ting me up. I see why you set me up with him/her, but the
attraction and/or emotional connection is just not there.”
Making such a statement keeps one from sound unreason-
able or picky. On the contrary, it is honest, straightforward,
and easy to appreciate and understand.
Additionally, when one does not juxtapose their deci-
sion to say no next to all of the virtues of the young man
or woman they have been redt to, it stops the shadchan
from wondering why this single has chosen to stop dating
a person who appears to have all of the major traits that
this single had previously stated they wanted in a spouse.
By sounding reasonable and secheldik, it prevents alienat-
ing the shadchan or giving them the impression that, “this
single is just too difficult to work with.”
Finally, when a shadchan has redt a shidduch, and the
single is hesitant to go out with the person or to have
another date but is going to give it a shot anyway, just to
be sure – which is often an excellent thing to do and has
led to many a happy marriage – it is crucial to do so feel-
ing sanguine about the opportunity, and to go into it with
an open mind, fully considering that this might be the per-
son they will marry. If one of the singles has already decid-
ed that this is a bad idea and is walking into the date
expecting to end it, it will almost surely be a failed date and
a waste of time for both of the singles.
Furthermore, when a single tells the shadchan some-
62 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
CELEBRATING 32 YEARS! It can be challenging, however, to properly articulate why
one feels that this person is not right for them. It is some-
B ROTH ERS B R OT HE R S thing that one might know and feel but that can prove
hard to put into words. When that is the case, what is often
2014 B RO T HE RS reported to the shadchan is something along these lines:
“You know, he/she is really great, really exactly what I am
B ROT H ER S looking for. This person is going to be a great
husband/wife and father/mother, but his/her hobbies are
Previous Awards different from mine, so we must be incompatible” or “I was
2014 – 2007 unimpressed with a vort he said on one of our dates” or
“She has blond hair, and I prefer brown hair” or “I won’t
32 date anyone shorter than five-foot-five or taller than six-
foot-one, so I would like to move on.”
CHANA
None of us wants to sound mean for saying no to another
Offers a Jewish community response date, but please know that the responsibility of building up
to persons who experience abuse and this young man or woman does not fall on your shoulders.
other forms of interpersonal trauma. Shadchanim do not expect that every young man and woman
they set up will get married just because they suggested it. But
• Community Awareness Programs when a shadchan hears a response like those above, it often
• Legal Advocacy leaves them wondering: “You just told me that this person is
• Educational Workshops for all ages exactly what you want, will be a great husband/wife and
• Trauma Therapy father/mother, but her hair is the wrong color or his hobbies
• Supportive Counseling are different from yours, so you want to end it?!”
• Consultations for Institutions & Professionals
If one has come to the conclusion that it is time to end
For more information about our programs, visit it, but can’t quite find the right words to explain their deci-
chanabaltimore.org or call 410-234-0030. sion, sometimes it is best not to give a specific reason. It
can be far more effective to simply say, “Thank you for set-
ting me up. I see why you set me up with him/her, but the
attraction and/or emotional connection is just not there.”
Making such a statement keeps one from sound unreason-
able or picky. On the contrary, it is honest, straightforward,
and easy to appreciate and understand.
Additionally, when one does not juxtapose their deci-
sion to say no next to all of the virtues of the young man
or woman they have been redt to, it stops the shadchan
from wondering why this single has chosen to stop dating
a person who appears to have all of the major traits that
this single had previously stated they wanted in a spouse.
By sounding reasonable and secheldik, it prevents alienat-
ing the shadchan or giving them the impression that, “this
single is just too difficult to work with.”
Finally, when a shadchan has redt a shidduch, and the
single is hesitant to go out with the person or to have
another date but is going to give it a shot anyway, just to
be sure – which is often an excellent thing to do and has
led to many a happy marriage – it is crucial to do so feel-
ing sanguine about the opportunity, and to go into it with
an open mind, fully considering that this might be the per-
son they will marry. If one of the singles has already decid-
ed that this is a bad idea and is walking into the date
expecting to end it, it will almost surely be a failed date and
a waste of time for both of the singles.
Furthermore, when a single tells the shadchan some-
62 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
