Page 67 - issue
P. 67
Shidduchim 63
thing along the lines of “My gut tells me that this is a bad
idea, but fine, I’ll do it anyway,” it does not leave a great
impression. If one is simply unable to feel hopeful about
the potential of the shidduch, they are probably better off
not going on the date and politely telling the shadchan
that they appreciate the shadchan’s efforts but will not be
dating or continuing to date this person.
Appreciating the Shadchan’s Point of View
One final point relates to the shadchanim themselves. Not
all shadchanim are created equal, and like the rest us,
even the best of shadchanim can make mistakes or at
times be off-putting. By and large, though, I have found
shadchanim to be a very kind and hardworking group of
individuals, who devote untold energy to help the singles
of klal Yisrael.
It is both fair and logical for shadchanim to focus more
of their very limited time and effort on singles with whom
they feel they will have greater success and who are easier
to work with. No shadchan can help everyone, and it is
appropriate that they direct their attention towards those
parents and singles whom they feel they can more realisti-
cally help – not because they are greedy and only in it for
the shadchanus, or because they only want to work on the
easiest of situations, but because it is frustrating and tiring
to expend time and energy only to be rebuffed for reasons
that are quite difficult to grasp.
It is vital to consider all of the work that shadchanim
put into getting a yes and how many calls and emails it
takes to get that yes. Let us be aware how often shadchan-
im are implored to find a date for a single they met and
how they often absorb the fears and pain of both parents
and singles. Lastly, we must be mindful of the fact that
shadchanim are often working for a great many singles at
once, trying their best for each and every one.
In consideration of the shadchan’s position, let us then
appreciate how it feels when a shadchan is told “thanks
but no thanks” for reasons that do not appear to add up,
and understand why shadchanim will likely focus more of
their attention on those parents and singles who are more
likely to pursue a shidduch that is sensible sounding, and
not turn it away due to extraneous or minor concerns.
The more reasonable and sensible we are, and the more
carefully we choose our words, the more opportunities we
will most plausibly find coming our way. B’ezras Hashem,
may we all be successful in effectively exercising our sechel
in the most appropriate way, and combining our proper
bechira with Hashem Yisborach’s hashgacha, to see won-
derful outcomes for all of klal Yisrael.◆
Shlomo Goldberger is the Director of The Shidduch
Center of Baltimore (www.shidduchcenter.org). He can be
reached at 443-955-9887 or shlomo@shidduchcenter.org.
u 410 358 8509 u
thing along the lines of “My gut tells me that this is a bad
idea, but fine, I’ll do it anyway,” it does not leave a great
impression. If one is simply unable to feel hopeful about
the potential of the shidduch, they are probably better off
not going on the date and politely telling the shadchan
that they appreciate the shadchan’s efforts but will not be
dating or continuing to date this person.
Appreciating the Shadchan’s Point of View
One final point relates to the shadchanim themselves. Not
all shadchanim are created equal, and like the rest us,
even the best of shadchanim can make mistakes or at
times be off-putting. By and large, though, I have found
shadchanim to be a very kind and hardworking group of
individuals, who devote untold energy to help the singles
of klal Yisrael.
It is both fair and logical for shadchanim to focus more
of their very limited time and effort on singles with whom
they feel they will have greater success and who are easier
to work with. No shadchan can help everyone, and it is
appropriate that they direct their attention towards those
parents and singles whom they feel they can more realisti-
cally help – not because they are greedy and only in it for
the shadchanus, or because they only want to work on the
easiest of situations, but because it is frustrating and tiring
to expend time and energy only to be rebuffed for reasons
that are quite difficult to grasp.
It is vital to consider all of the work that shadchanim
put into getting a yes and how many calls and emails it
takes to get that yes. Let us be aware how often shadchan-
im are implored to find a date for a single they met and
how they often absorb the fears and pain of both parents
and singles. Lastly, we must be mindful of the fact that
shadchanim are often working for a great many singles at
once, trying their best for each and every one.
In consideration of the shadchan’s position, let us then
appreciate how it feels when a shadchan is told “thanks
but no thanks” for reasons that do not appear to add up,
and understand why shadchanim will likely focus more of
their attention on those parents and singles who are more
likely to pursue a shidduch that is sensible sounding, and
not turn it away due to extraneous or minor concerns.
The more reasonable and sensible we are, and the more
carefully we choose our words, the more opportunities we
will most plausibly find coming our way. B’ezras Hashem,
may we all be successful in effectively exercising our sechel
in the most appropriate way, and combining our proper
bechira with Hashem Yisborach’s hashgacha, to see won-
derful outcomes for all of klal Yisrael.◆
Shlomo Goldberger is the Director of The Shidduch
Center of Baltimore (www.shidduchcenter.org). He can be
reached at 443-955-9887 or shlomo@shidduchcenter.org.
u 410 358 8509 u
