Page 64 - issue
P. 64
Shidduchim
continued to refuse the shidduch, it might have never
reached its fruition. What would have happened if the father
continued to refuse to hear about the shidduch, even after
being informed that the woman was, in fact, “from a regular
Jewish family like ours,” just as he wanted? Had he refused to
take even a few minutes to meet the woman and her father,
it is very possible, al derech hateva, that the story would have
never reached its beautiful conclusion.
Recently, I heard Rabbi Shraga Neuberger say that “both
hashgacha and bechira play a major role in shidduchim.”
Of course, there is unbelievable hashgacha in every shid-
duch, but we can also use our bechira to choose to push
away the hashgacha. Shidduchim are no different than any
other area of life, where we are given the keys to make our
own decisions how to act. Hashem can drop a shidduch in
someone’s lap, and that person can just as easily cast it
aside, as the father in our story nearly did.
Over the past months I have been become aware of a
recurring theme, shared by active shadchanim, dabblers in
shidduchim, and regular community members who have
tried to redt a shidduch: After meeting a single, they receive
many phone calls and emails from the parents, sometimes in
distress, asking them to please get a date for their child. Most
often, the shadchan had indeed made many calls on behalf
of this single, only to be given a no. Finally, they get a yes: a
yes from a fine family with a fine single. With great excite-
ment, the shadchan calls the parents to inform them of the
good news and asks them to look into the shidduch, so the
shadchan can in turn get back to the other family. Within a
day or two, the shadchan receives a call, and they are told
something along these lines:
“Thank you so much for thinking of us! We looked into
the family and they seem wonderful, and the young
woman/man seems to really be what our son/daughter is
looking for. However, I happened to overhear the mother
talking one time, and she seemed a little too yeshivish/not
quite yeshivish enough.”
Or, “We would like to meet the young man in person
first to judge if he can date our daughter,” or “Before we
say yes, the young man/woman needs to agree to an extra
slate of genetic testing,” or “We absolutely will not allow
our daughter to travel for the first date, because we must
see the look on the boy’s face when he first sees her,” or
“Our son/daughter has to live in Baltimore, and if the
other side will not agree to that up front, we will say no,” or
“We will not allow our daughter to date any bachur from
that yeshiva! But please keep trying for us; we really need
you to get a date for our child already.”
Of course we must do proper hishtadlus, and of course
we cannot say yes to a potential shidduch if something
truly objectionable is discovered. It is only natural for par-
ents to do everything in their power to protect their child.
In the same way that we guide our young children away
60 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
continued to refuse the shidduch, it might have never
reached its fruition. What would have happened if the father
continued to refuse to hear about the shidduch, even after
being informed that the woman was, in fact, “from a regular
Jewish family like ours,” just as he wanted? Had he refused to
take even a few minutes to meet the woman and her father,
it is very possible, al derech hateva, that the story would have
never reached its beautiful conclusion.
Recently, I heard Rabbi Shraga Neuberger say that “both
hashgacha and bechira play a major role in shidduchim.”
Of course, there is unbelievable hashgacha in every shid-
duch, but we can also use our bechira to choose to push
away the hashgacha. Shidduchim are no different than any
other area of life, where we are given the keys to make our
own decisions how to act. Hashem can drop a shidduch in
someone’s lap, and that person can just as easily cast it
aside, as the father in our story nearly did.
Over the past months I have been become aware of a
recurring theme, shared by active shadchanim, dabblers in
shidduchim, and regular community members who have
tried to redt a shidduch: After meeting a single, they receive
many phone calls and emails from the parents, sometimes in
distress, asking them to please get a date for their child. Most
often, the shadchan had indeed made many calls on behalf
of this single, only to be given a no. Finally, they get a yes: a
yes from a fine family with a fine single. With great excite-
ment, the shadchan calls the parents to inform them of the
good news and asks them to look into the shidduch, so the
shadchan can in turn get back to the other family. Within a
day or two, the shadchan receives a call, and they are told
something along these lines:
“Thank you so much for thinking of us! We looked into
the family and they seem wonderful, and the young
woman/man seems to really be what our son/daughter is
looking for. However, I happened to overhear the mother
talking one time, and she seemed a little too yeshivish/not
quite yeshivish enough.”
Or, “We would like to meet the young man in person
first to judge if he can date our daughter,” or “Before we
say yes, the young man/woman needs to agree to an extra
slate of genetic testing,” or “We absolutely will not allow
our daughter to travel for the first date, because we must
see the look on the boy’s face when he first sees her,” or
“Our son/daughter has to live in Baltimore, and if the
other side will not agree to that up front, we will say no,” or
“We will not allow our daughter to date any bachur from
that yeshiva! But please keep trying for us; we really need
you to get a date for our child already.”
Of course we must do proper hishtadlus, and of course
we cannot say yes to a potential shidduch if something
truly objectionable is discovered. It is only natural for par-
ents to do everything in their power to protect their child.
In the same way that we guide our young children away
60 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
