There are many reasons people hesitate to become involved in shidduchim. Some of those reasons are valid, but many are not. If you have an idea for your neighbor, your niece, or the guest at your Shabbos table, just redt it. What is the worst that can happen? You may get a no? Shadchanim hear no all the time. If every no discouraged them from suggesting another shidduch, no one would ever be dating! So, if you have an idea, go for it. And if you truly cannot bring yourself to make the suggestion, contact a shadchan whom you know and trust and pass the idea along.
If it is so simple, why are people reluctant to become
involved? In my experience, there are three especially challenging parts of redting
shidduchim:
·
Getting
both sides to say yes in the first place.
·
Delivering
a no to the boy or girl who had a wonderful time and hoped to continue.
·
Waiting
– and waiting – for someone to get back to you after a date.
Those of us who regularly redt shidduchim struggle
with all three. I am certain that if I surveyed the many wonderful and
dedicated shadchanim in our community, each would have a list of
personal challenges of her own. I would like to focus on number three because
this is perhaps one challenge we can actually solve.
There are many types of people in the dating world:
optimists and pessimists, planners and procrastinators, talkers and listeners –
and, apparently, many different types of post-date responders as well. The
following scenarios may be slightly exaggerated – or perhaps not.
Dater #1: The Parking-Lot Responder
He drops the girl off at her house at 10:47 p.m. At
10:48, before she has even found her house key, his mother is calling the shadchan.
“He had a wonderful time. The answer is yes!” The girl is still walking up the
driveway. She has not taken off her coat. Her parents do not even know she is
home, but the shadchan already knows there will be a second date.
This family believes in efficiency. Why waste three
perfectly good minutes?
Dater #2: The Five-Minute Debrief
The dater comes home and is immediately escorted into the
kitchen.
“Nu?”
“Can I get a drink first?”
“Of course. Nu?”
A brief but thorough investigation follows: Was the
conversation comfortable? Did she smile?
Was he normal? Did you have enough to talk about? Did he open the car door? Did
he buy you a drink? Did you talk about Israel?
Within five minutes, the parents have heard enough. The shadchan
receives an answer before midnight, along with a complete critique of the date
and usually far more information than anyone needs after one date.
Dater #3: The Responsible Morning Caller
This family would never call the shadchan at 11:30
at night. They have boundaries. They are considerate. They have excellent
manners. At exactly 8:01 a.m. the next morning, the shadchan’s phone
rings.
“We didn’t want to bother you last night.”
The shadchan, who went to sleep at 1:00 a.m. after
speaking to six other families, deeply appreciates their thoughtfulness. But
perhaps 9:00 a.m. would have been early enough.
Dater #4: The Committee
The dater enjoyed the date, but no answer can be given
until the matter has been properly reviewed. First, the dater speaks to his or
her parents. Then the parents confer privately. Next, they call the married
sister, who consults her husband. The husband remembers that his chavrusa’s
cousin once attended camp with the boy’s neighbor – or perhaps it was the
girl’s second cousin. By the time the committee adjourns, everyone has
expressed an opinion except the two people who actually went on the date.
Eventually, the shadchan receives a carefully
worded response: “We are leaning toward yes, but we just have one or two small
questions.”
There are eleven questions.
Dater #5: The Over-analyzer
“I liked him.”
“Wonderful!”
“But I’m not sure.”
“About what?”
“I’m not sure if I liked him enough.”
“It was a first date.”
“I know. But shouldn’t I know?”
“Know what?”
“If I could marry him.”
“You spent two hours together, and 20 minutes of that was
the pickup and drop-off.” The shadchan gently explains that agreeing to
a second date is not the same as booking a wedding hall. Eventually, the answer
is yes – but only after everyone agrees that a second date is simply another
opportunity to get to know someone, not a lifetime commitment. And please be
sure to tell him to plan an activity this time, not another hotel-lobby date,
to help draw him out and give her more insight into his personality.
Dater #6: The Research Department
The date went well, but before answering, the family
needs to “check one little thing.” That one little thing leads to three
telephone calls, two voice notes, and a distant relative in Lakewood. The
relative remembers hearing something in 2017, although she cannot recall
whether it was about this family or another family with a similar last name. Meanwhile,
the shadchan begins sending increasingly hopeful text messages:
“Hi! Just checking in ????”
“Any thoughts?”
“Please let me know when you can.”
“Hello?”
Dater #7: The Daas Torah Family
This family will not make a dating decision without
consulting their rav.
A message is left at 9:00 a.m. At noon, the rav is
teaching. At 2:30 p.m., he is at Mincha. At 6:00 p.m., he returns the call, but
the father is now at Mincha. They finally connect at 10:30 p.m., have a
thoughtful conversation, and send the shadchan their answer shortly
afterward. It may not be the fastest system, but at least the shadchan
understands why everyone was waiting.
Dater #8: The International Consultation
This family needs to speak to the Rebbe in Israel. Israel
is seven hours ahead, which means that whenever Baltimore is awake, Israel
appears to be sleeping. Whenever the Rebbe is available, Baltimore is davening,
teaching, working, or desperately searching for the phone charger. The shadchan
asks for an update on Tuesday morning.
“We are waiting to speak to the Rebbe.”
Tuesday afternoon: “Still waiting.”
Wednesday morning: “We left a detailed message.”
Wednesday evening: “He may be available after Maariv.”
Finally, at midnight, the message arrives: “The Rebbe
said it is fine to continue. Our answer is yes.”
The shadchan is thrilled, exhausted, and no longer
completely certain on which day the original date took place.
Dater #9: The Shadchan’s Dream
The dater comes home, thinks calmly about the evening,
and discusses it with the appropriate people. Within a reasonable amount of
time, the family calls the shadchan and offers a clear and respectful
answer: “Yes, she would be happy to go out again” or “Thank you very much, but
he does not feel that it is the right match.” There is no disappearing, no
international suspense, no investigative committee, and no message marked
“urgent” at 12:04 a.m. Just a prompt, clear, and considerate response.
Of course, every family has its own style, and sometimes
a genuine question requires additional time, guidance, or clarification. Dating
is not a race, and no one should feel pressured to make an important decision
carelessly. Nevertheless, somewhere at this very moment, a shadchan is
staring at her cell and wondering whether the date has ended, whether the
family has reached its rav, and whether the Rebbe in Israel has finally
awakened.
Even more importantly, the person on the other side is
also waiting. Will that person feel hurt by the delay?
Will he or she assume that the answer is no? Could a promising shidduch
end because one side was left waiting too long and began to feel unwanted?
That is the painful part for a shadchan, because
the shadchan sees both sides. She knows that one person may simply need
time, while the other is anxiously interpreting every passing hour. An
experienced shadchan has heard, seen, and dealt with almost every
possible scenario and often carries the feelings of both families.
After a first date, no one is being asked to decide
whether this is the person he or she will marry. The question is simply whether
there is enough interest to meet one more time. If additional guidance is
genuinely necessary, by all means seek it, but please keep the shadchan
informed. A short message explaining that you need more time can make an
enormous difference. As with so many things in life, moderation,
reasonableness, and consideration for the feelings of others must remain part
of the equation.
Dating and marriage are serious matters. Choosing a
spouse is among the most important decisions a person will ever make. It is a
choice we hope and pray will lead to a lifetime of happiness, shalom bayis,
and bracha. That decision deserves careful thought, but careful thought
and considerate communication can, and should, go hand in hand.
* * *
To my readers, I hope you have enjoyed this small attempt
at humor. Perhaps this is simply a humorous article about the many
personalities a shadchan encounters. Or perhaps it offers some serious
food for thought.
Wishing everyone a kesiva vachasima tova. May
Hashem bless every Jewish child with the opportunity to find his or her bashert
and build a true bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.
