Safety Is No Accident

What would make you jump into a tank of hungry sharks? Would you do it to retrieve your engagement ring? Your wallet? How about your child? I think we would all jump into a shark tank to save our child – instinctively – without a thought for our own safety or survival.

Fortunately, this is not a likely scenario, but it makes sense that parents who would jump into a shark tank should also do everything they can to keep their children from falling in in the first place. Our first responsibility is to make our children shark-proof, so to speak, and give them tools to stay safe. There are so many things, large and small, that we can teach our children and do for them that can help them avoid becoming victims.

Some of what you read here is intuitive; you and your children already know what to do. That is awesome. In that case, consider this a review or validation. But if you learn one new thing here that will help keep your child safe, it will have been a worthwhile read.*

Situational Awareness

The primary component of keeping your child safe is called situational awareness. Situational awareness minimizes vulnerabilities. It applies to both adults and children and can be explained by “Cooper’s Color Codes.” The color code progression is white to yellow to orange to red. (We will also add black at the end.)

Condition white is when you are unaware, unprepared, and “tuned out.” Think about walking along the street with headphones, listening to music or looking at your cell phone, oblivious to your surroundings. You and your family should never be in condition white while outside your home. Even inside your home, someone in condition white might leave a door unlocked or not pay attention to odd sounds or smells. While it is okay to relax inside your home, don’t be so unaware that you miss potential problems.

In condition yellow you are relaxed, prepared, and aware of what is going on around you. This is the level that you and your children should maintain regularly. This does not mean being in a constant state of fear. Rather, condition yellow means that you are aware without fear.

When a situation escalates to condition orange, something has triggered your discomfort button. When that happens, your child should think about plan B, the plan you made together for a variety of eventualities. They should be ready to put this plan into action, but not quite yet.

Once you get to condition red, it is time to take action.

If you use these methods and the tips below, you will never need to go to condition black, where you or your child are caught off guard and begin to panic. Panic leads to an inability to act, so you want your child to be ready to execute your plan B, or to be able to create plan C on the fly.

Tips for Situational Awareness

Create “Plan B” together with your children. Ask them what they would do if a stranger approached them in different scenarios. Help them create their own plans. For example: “You are walking down the street; a stranger is coming in your direction, and you are not feeling comfortable. What will you do?” Some good plans are to turn a corner if possible, walk into a store, or cross the street – but not to immediately take out a phone unless it would be to call 911. Then, after they are safe, they should let you know what happened. Do a debrief after any implementation of plan B.

Review the color codes while driving with your kids. Ask them: “What is your color condition? What have you observed that shows me that you are in condition yellow? What traffic sign did we just pass? What intersection did we just pass? What color is the car on our left? Have them look out the window and notice people walking around. Do you see anyone in condition white?”

Create “muscle memory.” Muscle memory does not necessarily mean practicing all the possible scenarios you have worked out. Going through them verbally and in your head has been shown to be effective in creating memories that can translate into action.

Ages and Stages

A few weeks ago a police helicopter circled over my neighborhood. There are only two reasons that might happen; either they were in search of a criminal or a missing child. In this case, it was a small child who had wandered off. Baruch Hashem, she was found and safely returned to her parents. Children are sneaky. It does not take a negligent parent to lose track of a child; the smallest distraction or shift of attention can result in a child taking off. Taking a toddler to a mall is a job for someone with nerves of steel.

Tips for Preschool Children

Don’t discount using a harness with a leash for new walkers/toddlers in public. They may look like dog leashes, and others might purse their lips in your direction. Ignore those people. They do not have your child’s best interests at heart.

Do not use a smart tag tracker, like a Tile, Smart Tag or AirTag to “tag” your young child. These devices are fine for keys, backpacks, or luggage, but they have a very short range, rely on “crowd-sourcing” by strangers for finding things that go farther astray, and manufacturers specifically say not to use them to tag people. If you want a tracker on your child, choose a children’s tracker watch that uses GPS for location, and allows a parent to program one or two important phone numbers so kids can call home in case of emergency. A company like Lil Tracker (liltracker.com) makes cute, GPS-enabled, little watches for kids ($129). Jiobit ($129 on Amazon) is a tag similar to an AirTag, but it is GPS-enabled and can be attached to a child’s belt loop. The watches have more functionality, like the ability to call the parent or 911.

Keep your head on a swivel. Don’t relax. Even if you are among your “own,” know where your kids are. Having situational awareness is probably the most important thing you can do for your kids as well as teach them.

Trust your instincts. If something seems “off,” it probably is.

Tips for Elementary School Age Children

School and camp are the first places you send your child where you don’t have direct control over their location and interactions with others. We necessarily trust teachers, administrators, and camp counselors, but it is important to send our kids off with the tools they need to stay safe in environments that are not under your control.

Talk about safety rules often. Kids need reinforcement of safety rules on a regular basis. This can be tough, as you will be talking about things like inappropriate touch and bullying. In this case, tough=safe. When you have these discussions, use a calm and loving manner while still conveying to your children the seriousness of what you are telling them.

Teach your kids the “no secrets” rule. If someone asks you to keep something secret, it’s not only okay to tell a parent or other trusted adult, it is imperative. No teacher, rebbe, camp counselor or authority figure ever has the right to tell a child to keep secrets from their parents.

Discuss body safety and good and bad touch. Please don’t put this off. Studies show that parents avoid talking to their preschool and elementary school children about body safety for a variety of “reasons” which are often excuses for their own discomfort in discussing this topic. Keep it simple. Give kids clear rules, emphasizing the “no secrets” rule. Make sure your child knows that bad touch from any adult, including a family member, is wrong, that the child is never to blame, and that it is important to tell a trusted adult. Remember to also let a child know that even if a bad touch came from a child – a peer, classmate, or older kid – this still counts as bad touch and must be brought to your attention.

Explain to your kids that their stuff belongs to them. The notion of personal space is difficult in school, and even more so if your child is away at camp. Tell them: If someone is taking your belongings without your permission, that is bullying, and you need to let someone in authority know about it. If you are in camp, find a camp mother, head counselor, or camp nurse and let them know what is happening.

Tell your child to go not with the direction of traffic but facing it, when walking on the sidewalk. That usually means on the left side of the street. If a stranger stops his car and attempts to engage with your child, your child can keep running in the same direction without having to stop, think, and turn around. The stranger in the vehicle is facing in the opposite direction, making the chase much more difficult.

Discuss internet safety with your children. While you might be successful in helping your children avoid the internet, you cannot control what happens outside the home. Tell them that they can have no expectation of privacy from you when it comes to the internet. Become knowledgeable about child-centered internet trends, and update your knowledge often. Your kids are keeping up with the trends, and you need to as well.

Know what is going on at school. To really know what is going on is to establish a relationship with your child so that they know you will believe them when they bring a concern to you. Take them seriously.

Explain interactions with other families, such as visiting relatives or friends. Remind your children that people may have different rules for their families but that your family rules are still the same. This is also true if your child will be going away to camp or to visit out-of-town relatives. Your family rules always apply.

Tips for Middle- and High-School Age Children

Things get more complicated as your child becomes more independent in both thought and action. I always assumed that, until my children turned 18, I would be the primary influence on them, but that is rarely the case. Tweens and teens spend much more time with their peers and have safety needs beyond simply walking down the street or riding a bike.

The safest response to any bad situation that happens with your teen is your unconditional support and love. If necessary, pick them up (sometimes literally), take them home, tuck them in, hold their head, and debrief later. Explain that they should never be embarrassed to call you, that you will not be angry. In fact, you will be relieved and proud that they did so.

Assume there will be drugs and alcohol available. At times, such as Purim, alcohol may come from otherwise trusted adults. Your child may not be aware of the consequences, physical, mental, and legal that result from drug and underage alcohol use. Seriously explain these consequences, at the same time reminding them that they can call you if something goes wrong. If your child attends a social gathering where guests are using drugs or alcohol, they should leave immediately. They do not need an excuse to leave a party, but if necessary, they can claim that they don’t feel well and want to go home.

Make sure your child knows that they should never get into a car driven by someone who has been drinking or doing drugs, or with anyone who they know will drive recklessly or excessively fast. Encourage them to call you or a sober friend or even Uber or Lyft. If it’s safe for them to do so, they can be a good friend by keeping car keys away from friends who are under the influence.

Discuss the implications of a curfew breach. Is there a 15-minute grace period? Do you treat curfew differently on a Friday night versus a weekday? My kids knew that a missed curfew meant I was going to be heading out to look for them. We had agreed on a curfew, and I was going to assume that if they were not home that something was wrong. I rarely had to leave the house (it did happen once or twice), but most of the time they came home with several minutes to spare (or called me to explain why they would be three minutes late). I have heard of parents locking the door if a child misses a curfew. This boggles my mind. What safer place is available to your child than his home?

 Revisit the topic of body safety. In addition to all the standard body safety rules, both boys and girls should know to avoid being in isolated locations. They should understand that it is okay to say no and leave the area. They should, with your help, create a plan B. They should also know that it is safe to talk to you about any incidents that might have occurred. As uncomfortable as it is to talk about with young children, it is even more so with teens. But it is just as important.

Revisit internet safety. Most kids do not understand that what goes on the internet now is there forever. Even if your child does not have an internet presence, photos can end up on other people’s social media accounts. Social media is now used by schools, yeshivas, and employers to get background information on your child. It is difficult if not impossible to “scrub” something that has found its way to the web. If you have access to the internet, sit down with your child and google his or her name. You can recommend that if they must access social media, that they do it as observers rather than posters.

Understand that bullying and cyberbullying are real and dangerous, and their consequences can be catastrophic. Keep your eye on your teen’s emotional “temperature.” Subtle changes might indicate that something is going wrong. Gently but seriously discuss social situations and interactions. Teens have not developed mature and healthy ways to cope with emotions and tensions. Look for signs of cutting or other self-injury. Teens do this for tension relief or because it makes them feel in control. Don’t freak out if you find evidence of this. Try to identify the underlying problem. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor. This is another problem that is tough but necessary to deal with.

Prepare teens for babysitting. Teenagers often earn money by babysitting. Adult supervision tips become the responsibility of teens when they watch others’ kids, so share some tips with your teen. Red Cross babysitting certification can be done online. But teens who are babysitting also need to be aware of their own personal safety. Remind your teen to stay in condition yellow but be prepared to escalate to orange or red if necessary for themselves or their charges. Here’s where debriefing can be pretty benign: “How did it go? How were the kids? Any issues with the parents?” This is a non-threatening way to give your teen room to open up if necessary.

Remind your children to trust their instincts. If something feels wrong or makes them uncomfortable, children should trust their instincts and take some sort of action, especially action that they, with your guidance and input, have planned in advance for such a situation. Then they must turn to a trusted adult to let them know what happened, be debriefed, validated, and supported. Safety is not always comfortable or convenient, but it is undeniably necessary to avoid becoming a victim.

Esti Rossberg is a long-time Baltimorean who worked in IT for many years before leaving the corporate world to pursue her three passions: sourdough bread baking, personal technology support, and personal and community safety and defense. She is a NRA-certified Pistol Instructor and Range Safety Officer, a USCCA-certified Pistol Instructor and Range Safety Officer. She is also certified by the Maryland State Police to teach HQL (Handgun Qualification License) and CCW (Maryland Wear and Carry) courses. Additionally, she is a certified Refuse To Be A Victim® instructor. The RTBAV seminars teach individuals how to create their own personal/family safety plan by presenting a myriad of options and alternatives and allowing individuals to craft a plan based on their own situation and needs. The Refuse To Be A Victim seminar does not include any discussion of firearms, and is appropriate for all ages.

* Many of these recommendations come from a seminar called “Refuse to be a Victim.” Others are adapted, with his permission, from the amazing work that Rabbi Yakov Horowitz has done and continues to do on behalf of our children, and his series “Summer Child Safety,” an ongoing discussion of ways to protect children from abuse.