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in order to gather general information looking for in a spouse. And it is to high probability that the information
about the nature and qualities of the accomplish this task that the above received will be less than stellar.
single person in question. The aim is tactics were given.
not to unearth significant concerns or Additionally, and more relevant to
issues, a matter we will discuss in Nonetheless, there is a shita among the overall topic at hand, is that if one
greater length below. Rather, these con- many to never call the actual listed ref- is able to conduct the conversation
versations are meant to gain a precur- erences because of a belief that they using the aforementioned framework, it
sory understanding of the personality cannot be trusted. It is thought that should greatly alleviate the concern
and better qualities of this single per- whatever qualities they share will be that the person being interviewed will
son, and to gauge whether or not it exaggerated letov (toward the positive), ascribe to the single, via affirmation,
sounds like a shidduch that is shayach and if specific attributes are asked qualities that do not exist in them at all.
(appropriate). about, a listed reference will ascribe If the questions presented are open-
them to the single, regardless of ended and require the interviewee to
For instance, wanting to be involved whether or not the attribute is actually come up with qualities and character
in kiruv in a small town is a great and reflective of the young man or woman traits without being specifically asked,
admirable quality, but it likely will not in question. and if those matters freely shared are
match up with a single who wants to then further discussed, it should prove
live in a large and more bustling Jewish However, the flaw in this approach is more than reasonable that the informa-
community. Being thoughtful, calculat- that the references one finds on their tion is solid and reliable.
ed, and deliberate are wonderful maa- own may not know the young man or
los, but often are not simpatico with woman as well as the listed references Who Should Make the Call?
someone who must live life at a faster do and may be misinformed or have It must be noted, however, that there
pace. outdated information, even if they are are two crucial qualifications to this
more “honest.” Wrong or misleading this point. The first is based on an
That is what calling listed references information is just as bad, if not far insight I heard from Rabbi Shraga
is all about: trying to estimate, to the worse, than exaggerated information. If Neuberger. While it is true that, with
best of one’s ability, if the two people one is so worried about what they will the right touch, almost anyone can get
being redt to one another would be told that they feel the only way to useful and truthful information from
appear to be a good match, based on gather information is through back- listed references, that does not mean
their personalities and what they are channel upon back-channel, there is a
98 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
about the nature and qualities of the accomplish this task that the above received will be less than stellar.
single person in question. The aim is tactics were given.
not to unearth significant concerns or Additionally, and more relevant to
issues, a matter we will discuss in Nonetheless, there is a shita among the overall topic at hand, is that if one
greater length below. Rather, these con- many to never call the actual listed ref- is able to conduct the conversation
versations are meant to gain a precur- erences because of a belief that they using the aforementioned framework, it
sory understanding of the personality cannot be trusted. It is thought that should greatly alleviate the concern
and better qualities of this single per- whatever qualities they share will be that the person being interviewed will
son, and to gauge whether or not it exaggerated letov (toward the positive), ascribe to the single, via affirmation,
sounds like a shidduch that is shayach and if specific attributes are asked qualities that do not exist in them at all.
(appropriate). about, a listed reference will ascribe If the questions presented are open-
them to the single, regardless of ended and require the interviewee to
For instance, wanting to be involved whether or not the attribute is actually come up with qualities and character
in kiruv in a small town is a great and reflective of the young man or woman traits without being specifically asked,
admirable quality, but it likely will not in question. and if those matters freely shared are
match up with a single who wants to then further discussed, it should prove
live in a large and more bustling Jewish However, the flaw in this approach is more than reasonable that the informa-
community. Being thoughtful, calculat- that the references one finds on their tion is solid and reliable.
ed, and deliberate are wonderful maa- own may not know the young man or
los, but often are not simpatico with woman as well as the listed references Who Should Make the Call?
someone who must live life at a faster do and may be misinformed or have It must be noted, however, that there
pace. outdated information, even if they are are two crucial qualifications to this
more “honest.” Wrong or misleading this point. The first is based on an
That is what calling listed references information is just as bad, if not far insight I heard from Rabbi Shraga
is all about: trying to estimate, to the worse, than exaggerated information. If Neuberger. While it is true that, with
best of one’s ability, if the two people one is so worried about what they will the right touch, almost anyone can get
being redt to one another would be told that they feel the only way to useful and truthful information from
appear to be a good match, based on gather information is through back- listed references, that does not mean
their personalities and what they are channel upon back-channel, there is a
98 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
