Page 102 - issue
P. 102
MAKING THE CALL:
PREPAREDNESS AND EFFICIENCY
HOW TO FIELD SHIDDUCH CALLS AND
CONDUCT EFFECTIVE RESEARCH, PART 3
by Shlomo Goldberger and there are three rebbeim or teach- tactics I would like to discuss that can
Director, The Shidduch ers listed on a profile, some older and greatly improve the substance of the
Center of Baltimore some newer, one should focus on call- information received.
ing the most recent ones. For example,
I n the previous segments of this beis medrash rebbeim over high school Tactic One: The more opened-
series, we discussed how to choose for young men, and seminary or late ended questions one asks, the better.
references for a shidduch resume high school over middle and early high For example, if one were to ask some-
and reviewed the skills necessary school for young women. one who won the lottery, “Were you sur-
to be an effective and helpful refer- prised to have won the lottery?” or
ence. In this final segment of the Unless there is a specific concern – “Does it feel great to be rich now?” in all
series, we will consider those mak- such as noticing five different schools likelihood, the answer will either be yes
ing the shidduch call and how one within the course of five years – when or no (more likely yes in such a sce-
can successfully gather information one calls references from years back, it nario), and that will be the end of the
that is both useful and pertinent. can reflect poorly on the questioner, conversation. On the other hand, if one
and even make one seem overly zeal- were to ask the winner, “What was your
Whom to Call ous by digging up old and irrelevant reaction to winning the lottery” or “How
To accomplish the task of successful information. does it feel to go from being poor to
shidduch research, rather than “wing- rich in a heartbeat?” the answers pro-
ing it” or asking standard, run-of-the- When it comes to speaking with vided will almost surely be much richer
mill questions, it is highly beneficial to friends of the young man or woman, it and more detailed.
first put together a prioritized list of is generally preferable to focus on mar-
questions. When one knows in advance ried friends over single friends. The same is true when looking into
what information is most important to Although there is certainly benefit to a shidduch. When one asks pointed
them, what requires in-depth answers, speaking with a young man or woman’s questions, such as, “Is she nice? Is she
and what can be answered quickly or single friends, especially when a single’s a baalas chesed?” or “Is he serious
even left unaddressed if time does not closest friends are still single them- about his learning, and does he have
allow, the caller can better create a con- selves, married friends often have the good middos?” it presents two prob-
versation which will provide significant ability to speak about the single within lems. First of all, the person on the
value and meaningful information. the scope of marriage and in a more other end often assumes that there is a
mature fashion than can single friends. hidden agenda and tries to figure out
Additionally, it is often not practical And perhaps more importantly, what the questioner may have heard
or time efficient to reach all of the ref- because married friends will generally from someone else and what exactly it
erences listed. Two to three will usually be preoccupied with the new demands is they are trying to unearth with this
suffice to gain a basic understanding of of married life, there is usually less risk very specific question. When that
what the single person in question is of their passing the conversation occurs, it often leads to recalcitrance
like, unless there is a particular con- around than might be the case among on the part of the interviewee for fear
cern that one feels needs more atten- single friends – and great harm can they may tank the shidduch if they say
tion and a broader selection of people come to a shidduch when these con- the wrong thing.
to speak to the matter. As such, it is versations make the rounds among
equally beneficial to prioritize whom friends. Secondly, even if the interviewee
one would like to call. responds to the question without won-
Meaningful Information Gathering dering what is behind it, the answer will
Although it was previously men- That which truly lies at the crux of suc- still either be yes or no, and that will be
tioned that when preparing a shidduch cessful shidduch research calls is gar- that. The more specific the initial ques-
profile a single person should be listing nering information that is clear, truth- tions are, the less information will gen-
references from the most recent stages ful, and meaningful, and there are two erally be gathered.
of his or her life, if that is not the case,
A better starting point is to ask,
94 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
PREPAREDNESS AND EFFICIENCY
HOW TO FIELD SHIDDUCH CALLS AND
CONDUCT EFFECTIVE RESEARCH, PART 3
by Shlomo Goldberger and there are three rebbeim or teach- tactics I would like to discuss that can
Director, The Shidduch ers listed on a profile, some older and greatly improve the substance of the
Center of Baltimore some newer, one should focus on call- information received.
ing the most recent ones. For example,
I n the previous segments of this beis medrash rebbeim over high school Tactic One: The more opened-
series, we discussed how to choose for young men, and seminary or late ended questions one asks, the better.
references for a shidduch resume high school over middle and early high For example, if one were to ask some-
and reviewed the skills necessary school for young women. one who won the lottery, “Were you sur-
to be an effective and helpful refer- prised to have won the lottery?” or
ence. In this final segment of the Unless there is a specific concern – “Does it feel great to be rich now?” in all
series, we will consider those mak- such as noticing five different schools likelihood, the answer will either be yes
ing the shidduch call and how one within the course of five years – when or no (more likely yes in such a sce-
can successfully gather information one calls references from years back, it nario), and that will be the end of the
that is both useful and pertinent. can reflect poorly on the questioner, conversation. On the other hand, if one
and even make one seem overly zeal- were to ask the winner, “What was your
Whom to Call ous by digging up old and irrelevant reaction to winning the lottery” or “How
To accomplish the task of successful information. does it feel to go from being poor to
shidduch research, rather than “wing- rich in a heartbeat?” the answers pro-
ing it” or asking standard, run-of-the- When it comes to speaking with vided will almost surely be much richer
mill questions, it is highly beneficial to friends of the young man or woman, it and more detailed.
first put together a prioritized list of is generally preferable to focus on mar-
questions. When one knows in advance ried friends over single friends. The same is true when looking into
what information is most important to Although there is certainly benefit to a shidduch. When one asks pointed
them, what requires in-depth answers, speaking with a young man or woman’s questions, such as, “Is she nice? Is she
and what can be answered quickly or single friends, especially when a single’s a baalas chesed?” or “Is he serious
even left unaddressed if time does not closest friends are still single them- about his learning, and does he have
allow, the caller can better create a con- selves, married friends often have the good middos?” it presents two prob-
versation which will provide significant ability to speak about the single within lems. First of all, the person on the
value and meaningful information. the scope of marriage and in a more other end often assumes that there is a
mature fashion than can single friends. hidden agenda and tries to figure out
Additionally, it is often not practical And perhaps more importantly, what the questioner may have heard
or time efficient to reach all of the ref- because married friends will generally from someone else and what exactly it
erences listed. Two to three will usually be preoccupied with the new demands is they are trying to unearth with this
suffice to gain a basic understanding of of married life, there is usually less risk very specific question. When that
what the single person in question is of their passing the conversation occurs, it often leads to recalcitrance
like, unless there is a particular con- around than might be the case among on the part of the interviewee for fear
cern that one feels needs more atten- single friends – and great harm can they may tank the shidduch if they say
tion and a broader selection of people come to a shidduch when these con- the wrong thing.
to speak to the matter. As such, it is versations make the rounds among
equally beneficial to prioritize whom friends. Secondly, even if the interviewee
one would like to call. responds to the question without won-
Meaningful Information Gathering dering what is behind it, the answer will
Although it was previously men- That which truly lies at the crux of suc- still either be yes or no, and that will be
tioned that when preparing a shidduch cessful shidduch research calls is gar- that. The more specific the initial ques-
profile a single person should be listing nering information that is clear, truth- tions are, the less information will gen-
references from the most recent stages ful, and meaningful, and there are two erally be gathered.
of his or her life, if that is not the case,
A better starting point is to ask,
94 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
