PetALS and Thorns (Tfutza Publications, 2019) is a collection of essays written by Esther Klein, a woman in Israel who suffers from ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). The book is fascinating because it gives the reader insight into the thoughts of a woman who cannot talk or move but whose mind is working perfectly. She was able to type these articles with great effort using the one finger that was still working. In the preface of the book, her children write that she is no longer able to use that one finger so they had to write the preface for her.

Esther speaks about her hashkafos in life and her great love for her family. She is able to express her feelings in an honest and refreshing way. Somehow when the words come from the heart of a woman who is suffering so much, they are meaningful and believable.

Dear Rabbi Hochberg,

The other night I was having a discussion with my husband about our twelve-year old son. Apparently, he has not been doing his homework and the teachers are getting frustrated with him. He is a smart boy who gets excellent grades at school. But he doesn’t like to do homework. My husband tries every night to help him, but it usually ends in a fight with both of them frustrated. We tried bribing him, threatening him, talking to him, etc., but nothing works. I don’t want to get another phone call from his teacher.

What should we do?

Frustrated Mom

On December 18, at our Chayeinu event, we had the privilege to hear Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz speak with parents in our community on having an ongoing dialogue with their children about alcohol and drug use. During the talk, he shared a story about a conversation he had with a policeman who had responded to an overdose in the Jewish community. While the Rabbi expressed some surprise that the opioid crisis was now taking Jewish lives, the policeman reminded him that there is no good reason for Jews to be immune, because substance use and abuse is a human problem.

The Sunday Baltimore Sun (December 1) ran a front-page article on progress made toward enacting recreational marijuana legalization in Maryland for adults. (Medical marijuana was legalized in 2014.) The article begins by acknowledging that the likelihood of legalizing recreational marijuana use for adults “is growing dim for 2020,” with the bipartisan work group still in “investigative mode.” The article goes on to explain that state lawmakers are looking into a variety of issues: 1) setting tax rates, 2) identifying marijuana-influenced driving, and 3) expunging old convictions (presumably of cannabis possession).

These are no doubt important issues, though it is interesting that nowhere on this list is the concern that marijuana legalization will increase marijuana-related problems. As we have noted before [see www.wherewhatwhen.com/authors/view/michael-kidorf] marijuana is not a benign drug. While occasional marijuana use poses only minor risks, chronic marijuana use is associated with a number of well-documented health concerns. Among these concerns are the development of cannabis use disorder, cognitive and memory difficulties, psychological and physical problems, diminished educational and employment achievements, and more motor vehicle accidents. Teenagers and adults with ADHD, psychiatric conditions, or a history of trauma are particularly vulnerable to experiencing these problems.

Chanukah is a spiritual time filled with the possibility of accomplishing that which appears impossible. The Maccabees won over the powerful Greeks in spite of the odds. They won not because they were the most prepared, the most numerous, or had the most weapons. They won because they showed up and tried, and Hashem was with them.

When we know Hashem is with us, we, too, can truly do anything, even what appears to the outside eye as impossible. We need only decide what we want to do. I feel strongly about this. (Yes, vanilla and Trader Joe’s are only two of my hot buttons; I have others!) I strongly believe that each of us is solely responsible for his or her life. You get to choose how you act and who you are today, no matter what experiences you’ve gone through. It doesn’t matter what your parents did or didn’t do, or what your friends, colleagues, or bosses did or thought. Today is your day, and only you are in charge of your life.

We are fortunate to live at a time and in a community where halachic standards are high. From kashrus to shemiras Shabbos to Pesach – certainly in situations of medical crisis and death – most of us strive to learn the relevant halachos and keep them meticulously. In other areas, however, that we may not consider part of “religion,” we might be lax. We may not even realize that there are halachos involved.

One of these areas is table manners. Our American society values casualness and spontaneity – and tends to denigrate manners as being trivial, stiff, and artificial. Yet manners – or etiquette – lubricates relations among people. They keep things pleasant and civil. (Could the present eclipse of civility in our political life be the manifestation and end result of the lack of manners in daily life?)

It is this concept that has motivated this article. Mealtime with the family, friends, and associates should be an enjoyable experience. We all know the tension we feel when there is a chaotic atmosphere at a Shabbos or an everyday meal, with children refusing to eat, yelling and crying, and even throwing food, and adults playing with their phones, laughing with a mouth full of food, or failing to offer help or compliment the chef.

As we pray for rain in our Holy Land, my personal deluge has come in the form of having to replace several major household appliances almost at once. The oven, fridge, and air conditioner that had served us well for 15 years all went belly-up within a six-month period. Financially challenging, yes – but also technologically terrifying. Just as I was getting comfortable setting the Shabbos mode on my new oven, it was time to order a new fridge. From my preliminary research, I learned that some refrigerators now come with a Shabbos mode setting, too.

“I highly recommend the GE with the Shabbos Keeper attachment made by Zman Technologies,” advised a frum salesman at Baltimore’s newly-opened Town Appliance store. “It’s programmed according to your location to automatically put the fridge in Shabbos mode an hour-and-a-half before every Shabbos and Yom Tov – and will turn off the Shabbos mode an hour-and-a-half after Shabbos/Yom Tov – for the next 30 years!”

To the Shadchan:

My son is handsome, accomplished, and a much sought-after young man. I constantly get calls from friends, shadchanim, and even strangers with suggestions of girls to date. People call my friends to try to “get” to me. I feel bombarded. As his mother, I know that he is not ready to get married. He has issues that cannot be seen with the naked eye. Obviously, I do not want to tell people because it is not their business. But when I try to put people off, they scoff: “What do you mean he’s not going out!” or “I guess next week we will hear he is engaged!”

 Why can’t people accept me at my word? Why are they nosy and insensitive? Why do they insist on pursuing me when I have indicated that we are not interested? I am a very straightforward and honest person – some have even called me naïve. This is a dilemma for me every time. I stammer and don’t know what to say, and I feel frustrated and sad.

Dear Rabbi Hochberg,

The other day I overheard my teenage daughter on the phone with her friend, and she sounded very angry. Although I was unable to make out what was going on, it disturbed me to see how angry she was. It’s not the first time she has gotten furious over something. To be honest, anger is a trait I also struggle with, and perhaps that’s why I was so bothered to see it in my daughter. I want to show her how to deal with life without getting so angry. Usually I explain to her why anger is not a good midda, but I haven’t found that to be very helpful. Is there a way to teach her to be less mad?

Mother in a Quandary

They’re filled with people, representing a potpourri of ages, cultures, languages, and styles. There are strollers and babies and little children, alongside harried mothers, kind bubbies, and roshei yeshiva. There are smiles and laughter and warmth – and always someone willing to lift the other end of the stroller.

They’re unmatched. They’re special. There’s nothing else in the world quite like buses in Yerushalayim, no other place where you’ll find camaraderie within such close quarters. There’s no other place where women settle in for a bumpy drive, slowly enunciating the holy words of Tehilim and handing out booklets for the rest of the passengers. These buses are finite in space, but, somehow, they always seem to expand, and the number of people they can hold seems endless.