We are fortunate to live at a time and in a community where halachic standards are high. From kashrus to shemiras Shabbos to Pesach – certainly in situations of medical crisis and death – most of us strive to learn the relevant halachos and keep them meticulously. In other areas, however, that we may not consider part of “religion,” we might be lax. We may not even realize that there are halachos involved.
One of these areas is table manners. Our American society values casualness and spontaneity – and tends to denigrate manners as being trivial, stiff, and artificial. Yet manners – or etiquette – lubricates relations among people. They keep things pleasant and civil. (Could the present eclipse of civility in our political life be the manifestation and end result of the lack of manners in daily life?)
It is this concept that has motivated this article. Mealtime with the family, friends, and associates should be an enjoyable experience. We all know the tension we feel when there is a chaotic atmosphere at a Shabbos or an everyday meal, with children refusing to eat, yelling and crying, and even throwing food, and adults playing with their phones, laughing with a mouth full of food, or failing to offer help or compliment the chef.
Chazal (our Sages) have a lot to say about eating behavior – as they do about every aspect of human life. We’re going to take a journey to identify threads of table manners in halacha, and attempt to determine how they might apply to the way people eat in our society nowadays. The simple tips presented here should go a long way toward increasing the quality of our mealtimes and our dining pleasure.
The Concerns of Chazal
From the time of the Gemara, through major sources such as the Shulchan Aruch, the topic of how a Jew is supposed to behave at mealtime was clearly a focus of Chazal. In order to develop a standard for behavior that the community would understand, they likened the family table to the mizbei’ach (altar) in the Beis Hamikdash.
Indeed, this model of “a table is like an altar” is the source of several accepted halachos. Several Rishonim[1] learn that one should cover metal knives that are on the table at the time of bentching. The reason is that metal is kept away from the mizbei’ach because the latter lengthens life and the former shortens it.[2] The Rama[3] recommends putting salt on the table, just as salt was put on the korbanos. The Magen Avraham[4] cites the Sefer Chasidim[5] that one must not kill insects on a table upon which people eat, just as he would not do so on the mizbei’ach. The Aruch Hashulchan[6] extends this to anything that is unseemly, with other Achronim mentioning some specific examples.[7] All indications are that this matter of respect for the table applies all the time, not just during a meal.
Reviewing the applicable halacha sefarim, from ancient to modern times, one can clearly establish three categories of eating behavior that Chazal dealt with:
1) Risk management: These are halachos that protect against risky behaviors; they include eating habits, combinations of foods, and table mannerisms.
2) Meal customs: These are the practices individuals engage in because they are members of a community. They come into play when you are at a table with others, especially when you are a guest in someone else’s home. The basis of them is to never call attention to yourself by blatantly breaking the rules set by society.
3) Manners: Table manners were designed to keep people from scarfing food down like animals. These are the behaviors that apply to individuals whether others are around or not.
Let’s take a stroll through some of the rules laid down by Chazal.
Risk Management
The Gemara[8] relates that Rav Nachman and Rebbi Yitzchok were dining together, and Rav Nachman asked Rebbi Yitzchok to say some words of Torah. Rebbi Yitzchok responded that one does not speak during the meal out of concern that the food will enter the trachea, which would endanger a person’s life.
The Shulchan Aruch[9] cites this ruling as the very first halacha concerning how a person should conduct himself during a meal, and Chazal discuss it in depth. (Most Achronim hold that one is allowed to speak between courses.[10]) Interestingly, it is a rule that is also accepted in polite secular society that one should never talk with food in one’s mouth. Even if someone asks you a question, wait until you swallow before answering.
Numerous Achronim are troubled by the fact that people are not careful about eating with their mouth full. In the words of the Chida, “We see that the elder rabbanim are not particular about this.” A long conversation follows, but there are poskim who write explicitly that there is no difference between our time and the time of Chazal, and that it is forbidden nowadays to speak during the meal.[11] Additionally, the Maharsham, basing himself on the words of the Beis Yosef elsewhere, writes that a talmid chacham is not allowed to speak during the meal as he cannot rely on the dictum, “Hashem protects fools.”[12]
Meal Customs
The Gemara[13] relates that Rav Huna was a guest in the house of Rav Nachman. When he entered, they instructed him to sit on a bed, and he did so. Afterwards, Rav Nachman asked him why he readily sat on the bed, something that was considered an act of haughtiness, when he could have instead opted to sit on a bench. Rav Huna replied that he was fulfilling the dictum of “kol mah sheyomar lecha baal habayis aseih – whatever the host says to do, do.”
Tosafos points out that we see from this gemara that even if one’s host tells him to do something which smacks of haughtiness, and he would normally not behave in such a way, nevertheless, he should do as he is told. Indeed, the Mishnah Berura[14] cites this opinion as halacha lema’aseh, although there is a disagreement among the poskim as to whether the guest should comply immediately[15] or whether he is allowed to decline at first until the host insists.[16]
The Shulchan Aruch[17] writes, “One who enters a house, whatever the host tells him to do, he should do, with one possible reason behind this idea being a reading of the pasuk from Megillas Esther[18]: ‘Each person should rule in his house.’” In other words, halachic etiquette demands that the word of the host is law. There are implications in modern etiquette associated with this basic concept as taught by Chazal.
Manners
Many ideas are included in the category of manners. Here are some:
1) Don’t be a glutton. Even when eating alone – and for sure in company – one should not wolf down the food or stuff one’s mouth. Rather, eating should be done slowly.[19] The proper amount to eat at a time is less than a kebeitzah.[20] Additionally, one should be mindful to chew completely and swallow before adding food into the mouth.
2) When drinking, the entire cupful should not be consumed in one gulp; rather, it is proper to finish it in two swallows.[21] One should not lick his fingers during eating (Rokeach). One should never mix eating with drinking.
3) One should not eat or drink while standing.[22]
4) One should not place distracting or disgusting items on the table or do something others would consider disgusting – for instance, it is improper to take a bite out of the food and then leave it on the table.[23]
5) One should be mindful when sharing food or utensils. For instance, when the host distributes pieces of bread to those eating with him (e.g. on Friday night), he should not throw the bread to the recipient nor hand it to him directly. Rather, the piece should be placed before the recipient, and he or she should take it.
6) One should maintain the proper etiquette for who is to eat first and in what order. When a number of people are eating together and using the same loaf of bread, the others are not allowed to eat from that bread until the one who said the bracha eats first. For example, they cannot cut a slice for themselves and eat it before the first person started eating his. Likewise, he cannot cut slices for the others until he eats first, which would be considered an interruption. However, if the others have their own bread, they are permitted to eat before the first one eats.
7) When invited to eat in someone else’s home, if one suspects that the host does not have sufficient funds to feed his family, it is forbidden to eat there, as it borders on thievery.[24] If a person is caught in such a situation, he should find some excuse why he cannot eat. It is better to say, “The doctor told me not to eat this,” having in mind that the doctor is the Rambam[25] rather than eat improperly.
Conclusion
This article has attempted to show that Chazal long ago established parameters for mealtime behavior. They included many rules, which came under three main principles: avoiding risky behavior, conforming to societal customs, and maintaining refined personal habits. Although good table manners are not considered a priority by many people in our times, they have many advantages in terms of safety and quality of life. And like good manners in general, they are appreciated by those with whom you come in contact and elevate you and your family in the eyes of others. When teaching children to show respect for others by following manners that are rooted in divrei Chazal, the children should also be made to understand that doing so not only refines their character but brings them recognition and praise.
Chaim Stern is the nom de guerre of an established member of our community who is simultaneously struggling with maintaining community standards, halachic methodology, and a restoration of traditionalism – while still being welcomed to the occasional celebratory kiddush.[26]
[1] Beit Yosef, Orach Chayim 180
[2] Shulchan Aruch OC 180:5
[3] OC 167:5
[4] 167:13
[5] 102
[6] OC 167:12
[7] See Piskei Teshuvot 167:6
[8] Taanis 5b
[9] Orach Chayim 170:1
[10] Aruch Hashulchan 170:1, Mishnah Berurah 170:1
[11] Pri Megadim #170; Eishel Avraham #1; Aruch Hashulchan 170:2
[12] Da’as Torah 170
[13] Pesachim 86b; see also Derech Eretz Rabbah 6:1
[14] 170:16
[15] Birkei Yosef 170:8; Sha’arei Teshuvah 170:6
[16] Magen Avraham 170:10
[17] 170:5
[18] Megillas Esther 1:22
[19] Ben Ish Chai
[20] ibid 170:7
[21] ibid 170:8
[22] Be’er Heitiv ibid citing Rokeach
[23] ibid OC 170:11
[24] Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 42:18
[25] See Piskei Teshuvos #170, footnote #45
[26] References include Rabbis Y. Kaganoff, Eliezer Wenger, Ari Enkin, and Gil Student
