When I was young, we used to play a game called Telephone. One person whispered a sentence in the ear of the person next to her, and that person passed it down the line. The fun of the game was to hear the final message, which was always very different from the original one.
The same misunderstandings happen
in the real world when telephone, text, and email messages – even face-to-face
conversations – get muddled when repeated from one person to another. Whether
it is a typo in a text or ambiguous words that are misinterpreted or simply
because people sometimes hear what they want to hear, the result is the same:
the speaker’s intent doesn’t come through.
You might think that communication
in our digital age would be an improvement over the past. But, although everyone
today has their own phone and can be reached wherever they are, our instantaneous
digital conversations have their downsides. You can’t read the other person’s
body language when texting or emailing, so you miss cues to understanding. Emojis
are a poor substitute. Texts, especially, are usually written in a hurry and
are often misunderstood. Sometimes people even send a text or email to the
wrong person! When people talk face to face, at least you can see the other
person’s expressions and reactions. Yet, even that is not enough.
Here is an example of what could
happen when people don’t understand the message correctly: Mrs. Cohen wants to
find out about a girl named Ruchy for her son. She calls Mrs. Gold for
information. Mrs. Cohen asks, “Is Ruchy outgoing? And Mrs. Gold says, “Yes,
Ruchy is outgoing.”
Mrs. Cohen thinks, oh, she is
friendly and fun to be with, just what my son needs. “Is she yeshivish?”
continues Mrs. Cohen, and Mrs. Gold confirms that she is yeshivish.
But when Mrs. Cohen repeats the
questions to her son, he thinks, Ruchy is outgoing? She must be loud and bossy.
When he hears she is yeshivish, he concludes that she is not stylish. He
refuses the shidduch.
What Mrs. Cohen’s son heard was not
what his mother meant and not what Mrs. Gold meant, either, but his own
interpretation of vague and subjective terms. People use words without thinking
about what they mean to the other person. In shidduchim, when we rely on
information from other people, it’s easy to get it wrong. Like the Telephone
game, every time the message is repeated, it becomes more garbled and more apt
to be misunderstood.
This brings up the question of
whether the parties to a shidduch conversation should repeat that
conversation to others. I heard a story recently about a kallah who sat
crying in her room on the day of her vort because her friend told her
the questions her future mother-in-law asked about her. In our example above,
should Mrs. Gold tell Ruchi’s mother that she got a call from Mrs. Cohen. Should
she go into detail about what they talked about? What is the correct way to
handle this situation in our community, where people are careful about their
speech?
I saw this topic discussed in Binah
magazine. According to Rabbi Eliyahu Lamm, repeating something that will cause
someone to be distressed – even if the information itself is not negative – is a
violation of rechilus, and if a question feels “off,” stop. Do not
repeat it. Do not share it. Do not pass the information along. If a question
feels inappropriate or worrisome, bring it to a rav and ask how to proceed.
I also asked Rabbi Dovid Jaffee,
the author of a book about proper speech called What Can I Say Today. “It
really depends on the case,” he said, “If you were asked some general questions
and you gave positive answers, there is nothing wrong with saying that someone
called. But if they called with personal questions, one should not mention it.
It can be rechilus to relate that the questioner was ‘prying’ into their
private information.”
Rabbi Jaffee adds that if you mentioned
something negative or private about them, it’s generally not a good idea
to tell the subject of the inquiry at all, as it could have a negative impact
on your relationship with them. “I would discourage even mentioning that
someone called about them, since they may come to press you to tell them about
any other questions they asked. Another reason not to mention private questions
is that, if the couple has already started dating, one of them can get
thrown off that the other side is still doing research. I have seen all of
these things happen. If you specifically want to tell them about the
conversation for a to’eles, a posek needs to be consulted.”
Bottom line: Even though it is
exciting to tell somebody that someone is inquiring about them for shidduch
purposes, it is probably better to keep quiet. If you are not sure whether you
should repeat what you heard, to be safe, it is best to ask a Rav.
