After talking with adolescents for many years, I’ve noticed that one of the biggest differences between children isn’t simply what the struggle with, it’s where they instinctively turn when they need guidance.

With younger children, usually through about age 10 or 11, the default is simple: Mom and Dad. If something comes up, they tell their parents. They ask their teacher. They trust the principal. Adults are the experts, and these young children are generally very open to guidance and advice.

On the other end of the spectrum are high school students. By then, they’re developing a much stronger sense of independence. They feel capable of making many decisions on their own. Friends often become their primary sounding board, and many topics never make it to their parents. They still need adult guidance, but they’re far more selective about when they’ll seek it.

What has become increasingly striking to me over the years is how unique the middle school years are. The span from sixth, seventh, and eighth grade – roughly ages 12 to 14 – is a remarkable developmental window. Children are beginning to think independently. They’re asking bigger questions, forming their own opinions, and realizing they don’t have to simply accept everything they’ve been told. Some psychologists refer to this shift as the “Santa Claus moment,” the moment when children realize that the Santa they believed came down the chimney doesn’t exist.

But what makes this stage special is that they haven’t yet abandoned their trust. Part of them still instinctively believes, Mom and Dad know best. My teachers can help me. I’m not sure I’m ready to figure this out alone. There’s an innocent tug-of-war taking place inside them. One side says, I want to think for myself. The other says, I still want someone wiser to help me.

As parents, it’s important to recognize just how precious this stage is. You may notice your child becoming more independent, questioning more, wanting more privacy, or taking small risks. It’s easy to interpret those changes as your child pulling away from you. But a healthier way to understand what’s happening is that they’re stretching toward adulthood. Those are two very different things.

Middle schoolers are experimenting with independence – not declaring independence. Their lifelong habit of trusting you hasn’t disappeared. It’s changing shape, but it’s still there. Our goal shouldn’t be to stop their independence but rather to preserve that openness to coming to us, even as they grow.

Consider a 13-year-old girl from a wonderful family. Some of her older siblings have struggled with Judaism, so she’s been exposed to questions that many children her age wouldn’t even think about. Suddenly, she’s wrestling with whether she wants to keep kosher or observe Shabbos. She has real questions. She’s thinking critically. She’s forming opinions of her own.

A younger child would most probably not struggle with these questions. An older teenager might struggle privately or only discuss them with friends. But a middle schooler often does something more wholesome: She thinks deeply, develops opinions, and then still says, I’d like to talk to my parents about it. That combination is extraordinary. She’s independent enough to wrestle with difficult ideas yet humble enough to seek guidance.

Or imagine a 13- or 14-year-old boy away at camp. He comes from a relatively sheltered home, and for the first time, he’s hearing boys in his bunk discussing topics that feel much more mature than anything he’s encountered before. Some casually mention that they’ve tried vaping and even brag that they snuck a vape into camp.

A younger child probably wouldn’t even understand the conversation. An older teenager may process it with friends, deciding for himself what to think. But the middle school boy often lands in between. He’s old enough to be curious. He’s beginning to form opinions. He’s trying to understand where he fits socially. Yet another part of him says, I don’t know what to make of this. I’m going to ask my parents. That is the middle school sweet spot.

If parents respond with curiosity instead of panic, conversation instead of lectures, and respect instead of fear, they’re strengthening a pattern that can last for years. They’re teaching their child that becoming more independent doesn’t mean becoming more alone.

The greatest victory is not raising a child who never questions. Questioning is part of healthy growth. The greatest victory is raising a child who still instinctively wants to talk it through with his parents.

Middle school may be the last season in which that instinct comes so naturally. Let’s not rush our children out of it. Instead, let’s treasure those years, recognizing them as one of the greatest opportunities we’ll ever have to build a relationship that our children will hopefully continue to lean on long after they’ve learned to stand on their own.

Rabbi Akiva Sutofsky is a school therapist at Hillel Academy of Pittsburgh and also maintains a private practice. His book, Parenting with a Plan, released before Pesach, includes haskamos from Rabbi Aharon Lopiansky and Rabbi Eli Reingold. The book can be found in all local Jewish bookstores and online. Rabbi Sutofsky can be reached at asutofsky@gmail.com or 832-338-9915.