One beautiful
morning my toddler was playing in his Cozy Coupe toy car when it was time for
me to take him to playgroup. He was having a great time playing, and when I
told him it was time to go to Morah, he (quite cutely but determinedly)
insisted, “No, it is not time to go to Morah.” I saw a possible tantrum coming
and recalled the guidance of Rabbi Yisroel Salanter, who explained that, to a
child, his toy ship is as complete a reality as a real ship is to a wealthy
merchant. When either ship is taken away, it is a tragedy to its owner. So
instead of taking my son’s words at face value, I quickly thought about what
was underlying his thoughts. I realized that he was just enjoying his Cozy Coupe,
and that the best thing I could do was to validate and embrace his reality. I
asked him if he wanted me to put gas into his car so it would work better. He
smiled brightly. Within 30 seconds he was parking the car by the house and
reaching his hand into mine so we could go to Morah.
The approach I
used to defuse my toddler’s resistance is a common style of mediation, which I
like to call the emotional embrace. One of the reasons I am fond of mediation
is because it is so relevant to calming everyday situations. A screaming
toddler, a standoffish coworker, or a suddenly emotionally-distant spouse
present challenging situations that can often be solved with techniques that
form the very core of mediation.
Let us back up for
a moment and consider, “What is mediation?”
Too often, people
mistake this word for “meditation.” While both can be used to achieve serenity,
mediation uses common Torah values to resolve conflict by deescalating and
delving to the essence of the other person’s interests.
A core principle
of mediation is that people seem to develop a position which may be at odds
with those around them. This creates conflict. In the case of my toddler, he
wanted to play, while I wanted to take him to playgroup. But the underlying
interest is often something that we can readily identify with and cater to on
some level. Feelings like loss, fear, isolation, failure, and vulnerability
drive all kinds of positions and behaviors. Those behaviors can be offensive.
Sometimes people lash out verbally, or they distance themselves emotionally. We
might be very put off and tempted to respond in kind. Responding in kind would
surely escalate the situation unnecessarily. By appreciating what is underlying
a behavior, we can better respond in an appropriately nurturing and calming
way.
Sometimes a
normally cordial coworker suddenly becomes sullen or verbally caustic. I was once
in a post office where one of the clerks was being short-tempered with the
customers. She responded to every question impatiently, saying loudly, “If only
people would just read the posted instructions.” As the line snaked towards the
service desk, many of us were becoming uncomfortable. The emotional environment
started to feel polluted.
I give credit to the
woman ahead of me in line. When it was her turn, she approached this clerk with
a gentle, understanding smile. She said, “I just want to thank you for being
here this morning. I know some days are hard. We really appreciate your being
here and helping us.”
I was amazed at
the transformation. The clerk clearly had been bothered by something. Maybe it
was work related, or maybe a close family member had been hospitalized. She was
clearly dealing with something, and this public forum was not the place to
tease that out. But the kind words of appreciation expressed by this customer
acknowledged that, although the clerk might not have been in the mood to be at
work that day, she did a wonderful thing by coming. The clerk heard that she
was truly appreciated, and it made such a difference.
The husband-wife
setting of shalom bayis is probably
the most common example of the need to embrace rather than distance. Sometimes,
a child or a spouse will withdraw or be terribly distracted due to stresses
they are dealing with. The natural inclination is to reciprocate and tune them
out too. But a deeper look at what is really going on brings us to recognize
that the state of distraction is an appeal for love, attention, and
understanding. A simple question like, “Do you want your space right now, or
would you like to talk?” can well provide the support the spouse or child
needs. Instead of entering a cycle of emotional retaliation, we can use the
opportunity to affirm how much a loved one really means to us.
By seeing
situations as opportunities to act wisely and courageously, we can provide
those close to us with an emotional embrace, even when they are distancing
themselves or being antagonistic. Such moments are bechira moments, opportunities for us to exercise our free choice,
to chart a path of pleasantness and support, thus creating blessings in our
relationships.
Rabbi
Mordechai Rhine is a Coach and Mediator based in Maryland. He has served as a
community Rav and lecturer for over two decades. He can be reached through his
websites, www.care-mediation.com and www.teach613.org, or by email
at RMRhine@gmail.com.
