I thought that, in this issue, rather than answer a question,
I would tell you about an exciting initiative in the shidduch world with a catchy name. Perhaps you have heard of it. Nix
the Pix is the brainchild (or should I say “heartchild”) of well-known shadchan, Lisa Elefant from New
York, who also spearheads the “Adopt the Shadchan”
shidduch organization.
The Nix the Pix initiative began in response to
the Meron tragedy, as a zechus for
the 45 holy neshamos that we lost that
day. It started as a 30-day challenge to shadchanim
to refrain from sending out photos as part of the formal shidduch redting
process. The Adopt the Shadchan group, which partners with shuls and
communities, took it upon themselves, at the time of the tragedy, to only send
mothers and singles resumes and a description.
After the first successful 30 days, many shadchanim signed up for the challenge
for a second round of 30 days. The idea was endorsed by many well-known rabbanim,
and between 180 and 200 shadchanim
signed up from all corners of the United States, Canada, Israel, Switzerland,
Amsterdam, and Austria to support a cause that is long overdue. The
organization reported that, among those shadchanim
who have signed up for the Nix the Pix challenge, there have been at least
150 to 200 dates and three engagements to date.
* * *
I am proud to have signed up for both rounds of
the Nix the Pix, and here is my take on the issue of pictures in shidduchim: Everyone complains we are in
the midst of a shidduch crisis, yet
we ourselves are contributing to it by promoting and sending out “the picture.”
Pictures have
always played a role in shidduchim,
but not to the extent that is being done today. Years ago, a girl’s
yearbook picture was the predominant source of any picture that might figure
into a young man decision of whether or not to meet the girl in question. Today,
those relatively straightforward images have been supplanted by sophisticated
“photo shoots,” preceded by hair and make-up sessions, staging, and, often, at
bit of photo-shopped “tweeks” for good measure.
Even back
then, I believe that those who focused on pictures and looks were focusing on
the wrong priorities in searching for a spouse. That’s because prioritizing
photos necessarily relegates other criteria to second place. Forget about her middos (character), chein (charm) or tznius (modesty);
mothers and/or their sons would rather find someone with “the right look.”
* * *
This is not
the first time an initiative was launched against pictures in shidduchim. A few years ago, several roshei yeshiva also came out with a kol koreh (proclamation) not to ask for
pictures; it was a question of tznius. Ironically,
the very next day, someone with whom I was dealing called me and said, “Do you
have a picture?” I asked her if she had heard what the rabbanim just said about pictures. It
did not seem to matter, though. If a mother wants a picture, she gets a picture,
and if not, she simply goes on to the next opportunity – that is, someone who
is willing to give a picture. This creates a situation where some young women
are afraid that if they don’t present a photo, their resume will go to the
bottom of the pile and the suggestion may never be redt again.
Do you
remember the time when a boy would come to pick up his date and meet the parents
and have a “first look” at the girl? Or when parents did not meet the girl
their son was dating until they were just about to be engaged? When did all this nonsense with sending a picture start? Who
can remember? However, if action is not taken, it will go on and on, and
this emphasis on looks, (chitzoniyus, superficial
appearance) versus the values we should be looking for will continue to infect
our society.
Marriage
is based on a value system delineated by our Torah hashkafos. It is what is inside, the whole personality of a
person, that is the best guarantee of success, both in one’s personal life and
in our community’s continuity. Yet how do you know from a picture what
type of person you are meeting? A picture is very one dimensional and cannot
convey the full expression of a person, which includes his or her “body
language,” tone of voice, personality, middos,
intelligence, and tznius – all of
which would emerge from an in-person meeting.
If you are inordinately swayed by a picture, you are not getting
married to find the right match who will complement your personality and share
your Torah values. Rather, you are focused mostly on social pressures: What
will other people say about this person? Is she as beautiful as a model or
Hollywood actress? We don’t get married to show people “see what I got”"
but to find the person with whom to build a bayis
ne’eman b’Yisrael together. This is my first reason for supporting Nix the
Pix.
My second, equally important, reason for supporting Nix the Pix is
this: No matter how helpful a picture may be, no Torah Jew can argue that
sending around pictures is appropriate for a bas Yisrael. Our young women are taught tznius their whole lives. They are taught to believe they have value
beyond their appearance. How then can we go and disseminate pictures of bnos Yisrael with no concern for tznius at all?! Furthermore,
despite assurances of privacy, the pictures tend not to stay with the mothers.
They are soon sent all over the cybersphere.
* * *
There are some shadchanim
who do not agree with Nix the Pix because they feel that they will miss out on
making a shidduch by not submitting a
picture, and they want to make it easier for their singles. To those shadchanim, I would say, yes, it may
save you time by preventing shidduchim
that are totally off-base, but it is really a shortcut. Instead, you should encourage
singles to do research and find out what the prospective person is really like.
From the single’s perspective, I think that the bottom line is, if you trust
your shadchan, then, after some
preliminary research, just give the idea a shot!
Here is a story from my past
that shows how crazy this pursuit of pictures is: I once redt a shidduch where the
mother made many demands of the girl’s family, and her family was willing to
give the mother everything she asked for. She then asked me if I had a
picture of the girl. I told her I do not believe in sending pictures. But
I really wanted these young people to meet, and the mother was so adamant that,
against my better judgment, I sent it to her. I waited about four days, and
when I had not heard from her, I called and asked what the delay was. Her
answer: “She is not the look we are looking for.” This was not the son’s
decision; he was ready to go out with the girl. But it was vetoed by other
family members. This, my dear readers, is one of the problems: The mothers must
give their haskama (approval) before
the boys can go out, and since the mother may have a long list of potential shidduchim for her son, she simply forgoes
the shidduch if no picture is
presented and goes on to the next one.
If it isn’t obvious already, I believe that
this approach is completely inappropriate. Instead, I believe that Jewish
mothers should instill in their children the courage to choose a potential mate
from a picture-less resume and concentrate on the description and information
they get from references.
* * *
A few more important points: This issue does not affect girls
alone. As I said above, the attitude of focusing on chitzoniyus is beoming more pervasive in our society, and I find
that girls are increasingly concerned with finding the right “look” of boys,
too. For all the same reasons I stated above, this trend is equally
problematic. Shadchanim and singles
are not comfortable sending around boys’ photos either.
Some shadchanim are
backing down in cases of older singles who, after dating many years, are burned
out and disillusioned with the process. In such cases, pictures may be exchanged.
This is an important point, and the Nix the Pix challenge provides an exception
for older singles.
Let us hope that Nix the Pix will continue and there will be many
successful shidduchim made by our
wonderful shelichim (representatives), the shadchanim throughout the world.
Hatzlacha to everyone.
