Mrs.
Esther Tendler, a”h, was a well-known
personality in
Mrs.
Tendler was a role model for many of the women in our community; her good advice
was based on years of experience bringing up her own children, working in
camps, and serving as the long-time school nurse in Bais Yaakov. I thought it
would be interesting to write about some of her ideas about chinuch, which were quite out of the
ordinary. Parents sometimes feel insecure about their parenting skills and
often worry about how their children will “come out” – even though we all know intellectually that when it comes to
raising children, doing everything right does not necessarily produce good
results and doing everything wrong does not necessarily produce bad results. It
is therefore validating to hear that many of our trials and tribulations
bringing up our families are normal and not the end of the world.
* * *
My
sister Miriam Kosman, currently living in
“About
33 years ago,” Miriam began, “when I was on
“A
few seconds later she came running out, took the stroller from me and said,
“Let me walk you home and push the stroller. You are just after birth. “I
protested, but she said to me, ‘I still remember how hard it was when my second
one was born. I think it was the hardest time.’
“I
was shocked. Do you mean that the fact that I felt like I was drowning was
normal!? Could it be that Mrs. Tendler, that relaxed, always unfazed mother of
many was once fazed? Could it be that having two babies was objectively
difficult? How on earth could that be?
“Mrs.
Tendler, laughed and said, ‘Are you kidding! Having two babies is much harder
than having 11 kids! I still remember how hard it was for me to juggle two
babies on my own. You only have two hands, both babies need you, and you don’t
have any older kids to help!
“I
know this doesn’t sound like such a big deal, but it is hard to describe what
an impact it had on me to be validated, specifically by the iconic Mrs. Tendler,
who was famous for taking her big family in stride.
“Over
the years, I have described this scenario to many young mothers and have seen
its impact on them as well. Once, a husband complained to me about his wife, ‘You
have so many children, and my wife cannot even cope with two!’ I immediately
pulled out my Mrs. Tendler story. As I got to the part about how having two or
three children is harder than having a big family, I could almost feel the
tension draining away. ‘Really? This is normal? It’s not just we who can’t
cope!?’
“Just
knowing that you are not the only one who finds this hard can make everything
more manageable.”
* * *
Here
are some more of Mrs. Tendler’s ideas, which were gathered after her petira. They all reflect the idea that
normal children are not perfect and are a work in progress. There is no reason
to despair. Work on making yourself the best you can be and your children will
naturally follow what you do.
1) Mrs. Tendler
didn’t insist that her very small children share their toys. She didn’t worry
that they were doomed to be selfish people their whole life. She would say, “The
Torah says, V’ahavta l’rei’echa kamocha,
which means love your friend as much as you love yourself. Right now, he is
working on the kamocha part, meaning
he first has to learn to love himself and then he can learn the part about
loving somebody else.”
2) When Mrs.
Tendler’s children would argue or fight, she would purposely not assist in
resolving the issue as long as they were safe. She would say, “If an adult
keeps on getting involved, how will the children ever learn to work things out themselves.
It takes two to make a fight, and if they really want to stop a fight, they can.
Sometimes the children are entertaining themselves by fighting.”
3) One of the
ironies of life, she said, is that no matter how hard we work at raising our
children, they are going to turn out just like us! Look around at the families
you know who have children a little older than your children and you’ll see
that it is true. If you want your child to have a cheerful disposition, smile!
4) The technique
used to raise children is not as important as showing the children by example how
to live. There are many different styles of child rearing, just as each person
is unique, every shidduch is unique,
and every family is unique. No matter what style of parenting you use, your
children will turn out just like you and/or your husband, because that is what
they see.
5) Mrs. Tendler
had no problem with giving “incentives” to get children to do what the parent
needed them to do. Her philosophy was, “Whatever keeps you sane, whatever
works! You need to survive.
6) She was not the
type of mother who complained to her children’s teachers. She educated young
mothers, saying, “Don’t let yourself become a complainer. There are 20 or more
other sets of parents in the class who can do the complaining. You should be
the one to show appreciation.”
7) “Don’t be
neurotic!” she used to say. “Recognize what is normal, and don’t make it into a
catastrophe. Normal healthy children get dirty. Normal healthy babies throw
food on the floor. They are simply testing the laws of gravity, like Sir Isaac
Newton. Why would you consider
8) Mrs. Tendler
would say, “I used to potchka, but then I got smart. A mother needs to
prioritize. Supermarkets are here for a reason: to buy readymade food. It is
more important that the home is relaxed than to cook from scratch.”
9) Once a young
mother who needed help refused to accept the meals her neighbors offered to
make. She stated that she was a giver and not a taker. Mrs. Tendler responded,
“Sometimes you are giving to others by taking from them. People really want to
help. If you do not accept it, they are left worrying about what they can do.
But if you accept the supper, they are relaxed because they feel they have done
something for you. By taking, you are actually giving.”
10) Mrs. Tendler
once witnessed one of her daughters davening with two little children crying
and pulling at her skirt. Mrs. Tendler rarely intervened or chastised anyone,
but she gently commented to this daughter, “Maybe you don’t realize how
important the job of an eim b’Yisrael is.
That is a higher priority than davening.”
11) An interesting
statement she used to make was, “Teenagers have a need to be misunderstood.”
12) It is normal
for teenagers to turn to one parent and speak about their frustrations with the
other parent, said Mrs. Tendler. It is important to listen, but never allow
teenage children to feel that you agree with their complaints. This will
destroy the trust between you and your spouse, and ultimately hurt the
children. Simply listen; tell them that your spouse is an amazing person and
that you will share the discussion with him or her.
13) “Just because
one child is crying louder doesn’t mean that he’s the victim.”
14) Please remember that children are a gift, the most
precious gift of all. Do you scream at a gift? Would you scream at your diamond
ring? Children are basically good. Our impatience is due to our own lack of
perspective.
15) Be an example to your children. If your child
pushes or hurts another child, set an example. Go over to the hurt child and
give her a hug and say “I am so sorry for you. We must never hurt another Yid.
Your child who hurt his brother will be jealous of the affection you are
showering on him and realize that every Jew is precious.
16) A woman once came to Bais Yaakov to bring her
daughter lunch and sheepishly said, “I know I am wrong for bringing her lunch
when she forgets it at home because she will never learn responsibility.” Mrs
Tendler responded, “Don’t forget, that you are teaching her the importance of
feeding a hungry Jew.”
17) “Life is like an EKG. If the line is going up and
down, you are living. Once it flat-lines, you are dead.”
18) Eliminate temptation as much as possible. Do not
make rules the children cannot obey. Don’t make a rule that they cannot have
candy if the candy is in sight. Get the candy out of the house or at least out
of their sight!
*
* *
I enjoyed hearing about these sensible ideas,
many of which resonate with me. I hope that my readers will also benefit from learning
from them, and that this should be a merit for Mrs. Tendler in the Next World.
