The month between Purim and Pesach abounds with
excitement and anticipation as families prepare for Seder night. By rosh chodesh Nisan, mothers in our
community are readying their homes at an impressive speed for a meaningful and
joyous chag. And this year’s calendar
means many will be turning the corner full-throttle into Shabbos Hagadol. It’s that auspicious time when spring thaw and erev-Pesach buzz are in the air, but it
can be difficult to savor the moment with family while checklists grow and time
dwindles. Instead of bringing in Yom Tov for a smooth landing, it is easy to
find ourselves out of gas and struggling.
With two weeks until Pesach, let’s take
a moment to consider burnout. What does it look like, and how can we prevent
it?
With Purim arriving erev Shabbos and Pesach prep cut short
by a three-day Yom Tov, this is the first year since 2008 with such time
constraints. One day fewer may not seem like much until last-minute issues pop
up and it feels like everything. The calendar is not the only stressor here.
Last month’s snow days and classroom quarantines meant erev Purim was complicated by more children underfoot and less time
to complete preparations. Many mothers speak about the cumulative strain of the
past month like a sprint at the end of a marathon.
Despite the extraordinary stress of the
past year, there is little doubt that everything will get done. Like every
year, mothers will find a way to work it out. But at what cost?
* * *
Logging onto the appointment after her youngest fell
asleep, one mother greets me through the screen teary-eyed and mid-sentence,
apologizing for being a few minutes late to the session. Without a pause, she
says, “I don’t know why I’m crying.” It did not take long to dig up the reason:
She’s overwhelmed, irritated, and completely exhausted. This hardship is the
starting point for many sessions these days – mothers valiantly fending off
burnout week-to-week while balancing multiple demands at home, work, school,
and in the community. For pregnant and postpartum women, they fulfill those
multiple roles while enduring sleep deprivation and hormonal shifts in addition
to aches and discomfort.
With her list of discussion topics in hand,
another mother begins her first therapy session looking to discover what caused
a recent episode of intense uncontrollable worry that “came from nowhere.” She
describes herself as always having had a strong memory and a talent for
organization. Lately, she has required a checklist to help manage routine
tasks. When she found herself even forgetting to write things down, her
confidence faltered and dragged down her mood. She felt ashamed, remained
silent, and assumed it would pass. Within days, the thought of adding another
item to her checklist nearly sent her “over the edge.” Motzei Shabbos, while her family slept, she had her first panic
attack alone on the floor of her bathroom. The next day, she finally asked for
help.
* * *
Although it is normal to approach chagim with a mix of delight and trepidation, the past year has
stretched mothers thin and left them more vulnerable to burnout and mental
health issues than in previous years.
Contrary to my wishful thinking, the
two vignettes above are not uncommon. High-functioning mothers with no
psychiatric history are turning for the first time to professional mental
health support. For some, burnout inadvertently became their status quo years
ago, and they now feel lost while dealing with the physical and mental health
effects. Most, though, hope to stop the cycle before it gets worse and want to
learn coping skills that can help prevent future disruptions to their life and
family.
While safeguarding perinatal women from
burnout is a community discussion beyond this article’s scope, practical
guidance on identifying and preventing maternal burnout is the issue at hand.
The paradox of early-stage burnout is
that someone will initially appear to be more focused,
energetic, and productive. One may even seem happier than usual, and this is
where things go off the rails. This initial productivity and geniality become
positively reinforced by others and inspire the mother to take on even more.
When she can no longer keep up with that initial pace, burnout begins to
present as restlessness, irritability, hypervigilance, trouble concentrating,
muscle tension, appetite changes, and persistent fatigue. Even two of those
symptoms can be draining; three or more can become debilitating. As it
progresses, her sleep disturbances will become more frequent, as well as losing
interest in activities, hopelessness, feeling resentful, and withdrawing
emotionally. Months later, that chronic distress can trigger autoimmune
reactions like skin rash, hair loss, and intestinal issues. Still, these
mothers expect to pull themselves together and continue providing for their
family.
Not everyone strained by Pesach prep is
at risk for burnout. We all feel worn out and stressed when the pressure is on.
However, if you notice yourself feeling on-edge most days for more than half
the day, then it is time to slow down.
One of the symptoms especially
prevalent in our community is decision fatigue. Mothers describe a type of
brain fog similar to those commonly experienced during pregnancy’s third
trimester. So I ask mothers to consider whether they are also struggling to
prioritize, concentrate on details, complete unfinished tasks, or make
decisions. One of the most concerning responses – and I hear it increasingly
often – is “Oh, I’ve always been like that.” That does not sound like pregnancy
brain fog (which subsides within one to two years after giving birth); that is
another sign of burnout, chronic stress, and fatigue. Mothers have so much
going on that they struggle with complex decisions as well as with the barely consequential
ones like which paper napkins to buy.
You may recognize the symptoms above as
typically associated with diagnoses like depression, anxiety, attention
deficit, and post-traumatic stress. While
it may appear as one of those clinical conditions and could eventually develop
into a psychiatric disorder, maternal burnout is a complex mental and physical
state with various manifestations. Additionally, the effects of maternal
burnout are difficult to parse from the context of motherhood itself, requiring
specialized treatment distinct from general anxiety and mood disorders. Therapy
and medications are well-suited for providing relief from a broad range of
symptoms, but they do not improve sociocultural factors that exacerbate those
symptoms. Unfortunately, many perinatal mood and anxiety disorders remain
untreated simply because of the shame, stigma, and other barriers to treatment.
* * *
Nonetheless, some practical strategies may help mothers
manage stress and fatigue during times of increased pressure.
Take a break
before the break takes you: Taking time for yourself is healthy and necessary. For those who
already have a lot on their plate, a moment’s rest seems like a waste of time.
Just the idea of “me” time can arouse feelings of selfishness. Still, taking
brief breaks throughout the day is the most efficient way to prevent burnout.
This practice actually increases productivity in addition to the obvious
quality-of-life improvements. Even spending 15 minutes with a hot mug of herbal
tea makes a difference. Doing this twice a day while your phone is muted can
help to slow racing thoughts and curb spikes in blood pressure and stress
hormones that can lead to adverse health outcomes.
There is a real temptation for mothers
to spend their unstructured time catching up on domestic chores or replying to
messages. That is not a break! If constant distractions or lack of motivation
are barriers to your “me” time, then scheduling your breaks (yes, on a
calendar) creates healthy boundaries and prevents the day from getting away
from you. If herbal tea isn’t, well, your cup of tea, then a 30-minute salon
service or 15-minute yoga exercise or a fresh fruit parfait are other options
that may suit your taste.
Busy mothers can also try infusing fun
into mundane daily tasks. Groove to some music while washing the dishes or
folding laundry. One mother came up with a star chart for tracking her breaks,
and it was a great success. Not only are her young kids getting a kick out of
it, but this mother also is modeling healthy self-care behaviors. As an added
benefit, she made her children into stakeholders in her mental and physical
health. Inspired by her success, I recommended this exercise to others and was
delighted to hear how families rallied around their Ima by taking on
age-appropriate chores and keeping the noise down so she can have a quiet
break.
Ask for help: Of
course, mothers are givers, and they may not be as comfortable in the receiver
role. Mothers may become so busy taking care of others that they will neglect
basic needs such as drinking water and using the restroom. There is an alarming
number of women in our community who eat breakfast in their car. Their
generosity and selflessness are astonishing, but they can also be a liability to
themselves and their families. A mother cannot take care of others if she
doesn’t take care of herself. That’s why women need to utilize their resources
and ask for help before feeling overwhelmed. Many report that they don’t ask
for help because it sounds like complaining, ingratitude, or a lack of faith.
We all need help, especially mothers who are juggling work, school, or
community projects in addition to motherhood. Whether you seek it at home, via
a WhatsApp chat, support group, psychotherapy, or hired domestic help, you are
not alone. Help is available if you ask for it.
Perfection
could be a perversion of reality: High yet
realistic standards are part of striving for excellence. Unrealistic standards,
conversely, are destructive and result from a lack of self-awareness or failure
to prioritize. Many mental health crises are attributed to well-intentioned
efforts to actualize one’s potential. Unfortunately, that endeavor may come at
the expense of mental health needs and may prevent mothers from having a
meaningful Seder experience. After speaking with community rabbanim about the factors they see affecting maternal mental
health, a pattern of sentiment emerged that perfectionism has led mothers to
despair and excessive guilt when things don’t turn out as expected.
Thankfully, our community is blessed
with rabbanim who have discreetly
addressed this issue with their kehillos
during the weeks before Pesach. Without pushing leniencies or setting their
sights on mediocrity, their support has helped to set a high yet realistic
standard for Pesach prep that can relieve the excessive stress felt by many
mothers. Erev Pesach is a time of the
year when it is tempting to be motivated by what is perceived as lacking
instead of what we have already accomplished. Comparing ourselves to others and
ingesting a flurry of unrealistic expectations is a cautionary tale to which
many mothers can relate. An immaculate home or perfect Sedarim are noble
ideals, but a reckless pursuit of perfection leads to burnout. By focusing on
what we have and appreciating the process of making a chag kasher, a mother can feel content with her sincere efforts and
remember that actualizing her potential is about her potential,
not perfection.
Joshua Kleiner is a certified perinatal mental
health professional and licensed therapist practicing in Baltimore, and a
research coordinator at the Johns Hopkin
