Ask the Shadchan :Thoughts during the Pandemic

We are now facing a mageifa, something none of us ever dreamed we would see in our lifetime. Coronavirus has brought havoc to all aspects of our lives, and simchas are no exception. The way we celebrate weddings, bar and bas mitzvas, engagements, sheva brachos has changed drastically until Ribono Shel Olam brings the yeshua.

We have been told by rabbanim and baalei mussar that Hashem wants us to change. Our habits, our tznius, our selfishness, our actions bein adam lechaveiro, our tefilos – everything needs to take a turn for the better in order for the geula to come. Surely this applies to shidduchim as well.

I have been asked questions about dating during this pandemic. Where should we go on the date? How do we get to know each other? Should I even start a new relationship when no one knows when it will be safe to meet other people?

Many singles, in addition to the isolation inflicted by the virus, naturally feel that their time for finding their bashert is limited and that every moment is a question of now or, chas veshalom, never. How vigilant we must be to return to normalcy for all singles. Their cause is more urgent and their needs greater. For those who can make shidduchim for these individuals, I am positive that Hashem will reward them with bracha and hatzlacha in all their undertakings.

So how does one date these days? Many couples are meeting first on Zoom. This is a good idea. It provides an opportunity for that important face-to-face interaction before you actually meet in person. It does not have to be a long date, just enough time to get introduced to one another and break the ice. However, as with any date, you cannot judge by the first impression alone. People feel nervous and insecure, so a second Zoom date is recommended. In addition, I would strongly advise an in-person date before one says no to a potential shidduch.

Where to go is another change from our former habits. Couples have been meeting in backyards. They visit parks, go for walks, and perhaps play some games. The drawback is that the couple must maintain social distance and, without being able to retreat to indoors, they are at the mercy of the elements. Also, they may get bored doing the same thing each time they meet. With no activities, it may be hard to keep the conversation going.

In contrast, just a few short weeks ago, a typical dating couple met in various venues. Although Corona dates are similar to hotel lobby dates, the advantage of a hotel lobby is that it is public, and the couple can watch each other’s reactions as people come and go. They can evaluate how their date interacts with other people. For example, a waiter brings the couple a drink. How does he react to that person? Does she say thank you? When they walk past someone, do they say excuse me? These are small things, but they are ingrained habits that are hard to break, and observing them helps one learn more about the other person. I personally know of shidduchim that did not materialize because of the inadvertent lack of courtesy shown by one side. A further disadvantage of the current dating options is the inability to meet your date’s family, which is very important when the couple gets serious and considers marriage. 

Because of all these limitations, I believe that a Corona courtship should be twice as long. For instance, 10 dates would be equivalent to the previous five dates in terms of getting to know each other.

On the other hand, there are certain benefits to Corona dating. One may be able to gain information about the other person that would be harder to learn under the former way. A person’s true colors might come through faster under the pressures of dealing with dating and the challenges of the pandemic in general. One can learn a lot by asking the other person how they have spent their time in quarantine. Has the person been learning or listening to shiurim? Davening and saying tehilim? Helping family members or running errands for those who can’t? Or have they been wasting much of their time?

Another benefit is that this crisis has somehow taken us back to the basics and is helping us achieve clarity. We naturally ask, what does Hashem want from us in shidduchim? How should bnei Torah act? What is really important in life and in marriage?

For instance, for some time, it has seemed like external factors like what a girl looks like have become more important than the inner beauty of impeccable middos, tznius, and being a baalas chesed. Is a stunning appearance the most important thing in creating a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael? The Vilna Gaon stated that each Friday night, when we say Aishes Chayil, the husband says, Sheker hachein vehevel hayofi (False is grace and vain is beauty). At the same time, the Torah lauds the beauty of Rochel Imeinu. Is the Torah insulting her? The Vilna Gaon answers that, no, beauty has its place, but the essence of a woman is isha yiras Hashem he tishallal (a G-d-fearing woman, she should be praised).

I would apply this standard to other materialistic factors as well. There are people who are too focused on dollars and cents in a shidduch. Yet, some formerly well-to-do parents are now struggling financially. What will they do now?

Shadchanim, take heed. If we would all stick together and stand by our convictions, maybe this narishkeit would stop. Perhaps this is the time to go back to simpler times: no resumes, no pictures, just fixing up a couple without any fanfare. (They may even get married!) Hopefully, when we come out of this pandemic, people will be willing to forgo much of the shallowness that meant so much to them before.

Corona may be our way of life for quite a while, but life must go on. Singles must meet and chasanas must be made (albeit smaller), and we must learn to navigate these troubled times using the darchei haTorah and the values of our chachamim. We must strip non-essentials from our decision making.

May the Ribono Shel Olam bring an end to this mageifa soon. May we have the zechus to not only go through this crisis but also to grow from it and be able to share many simchas together in the near future, with Mashiach tzidkeinu bimheira biyameinu.