To the Shadchan:
I am married for the second time after being divorced for a relatively short period. My first marriage lasted almost 30 years. As newlyweds, we don’t host much, nor do we go out except to our children nearby. (Covid started just as we finished our shana rishona.) We do try to invite at least one single person for Yom Tov meals, as we know how difficult it is to celebrate these days alone.
Our guest
on Rosh Hashanah was a woman who has been trying to find a shidduch for many years and whom we know well. We were enjoying the
meal when she said, “You two are so lucky to have found each other,” which we
confirmed. From that beginning, she started asking questions, such as how long
we dated, did I know that my husband is picky about certain things, etc. Then
she asked if we had “tested” each other. I asked her what she meant by testing,
and she said that a friend of hers once got tickets for a date to the opera,
and since there was a woman singing in it and the man didn’t refuse to go, she
concluded that he didn’t care about kol
isha and nixed the shidduch!
I was
dumbfounded, as was my husband. I asked her, why be so tricky? Why not just ask
him how he feels about going to such a place, and if he says he’s fine with it.
Depending on his answer, you could then explain that it might not be for you.
Or he might compromise. Or he might say he didn’t realize there would be a
woman singer. But why act like that without giving it a chance?
Our guest also asked whether we
had checked each other out beforehand by calling our rabbis, colleagues, or
friends before even asking the people we gave as references. This seemed
to both of us like a very sneaky thing to do. It’s one thing to search the
person on Google, LinkedIn or Facebook, so that if you see a common friend, you
might feel more comfortable going out with this person. Or you might want to
see what line of work they are in, and who endorses them on Linkedin. It’s
entirely another thing to start asking around behind his or her
back.
In fact, we went out for our first
date without calling references, because we decided that if we did not
continue, we would not have bothered people for nothing.
After this
experience, it dawned on us that perhaps the “shidduch crisis” that we’ve been hearing about for years now is
really manmade, and would dissipate if people would be more honest with each
other and give people a chance! On paper, I shouldn’t have gone out with my
husband, let alone marry him! But because we were both committed to the idea of
marriage, and felt invested in the relationship, we worked really hard to
make it happen.
I am so
happy I gave him the chance to work on it together. We left no detail out, were
fully open with each other, and went into it trusting each other one hundred
percent. There is such beauty in being married and in building a Jewish home,
even if it isn’t perfect, even if it is a blended family and loaded with
baggage from previous marriages. It is a real shame that so many singles
who might not be as open and willing to compromise and are therefore not
getting married.
Although my
husband and I feel like we have figured out the shidduch crisis – at least as it might apply to older people. But might
it be relevant to young people as well? I’m wondering what you think about
this.
The Shadchan Answers:
Yes, I do think that the shidduch “crisis” is manmade because of all the “meshugasin” that have come into play,
especially the one I wrote about in my last column, “Nix the Pix.” We can
get along without pictures! Meet the person, not the picture!
In your story about the woman who
offered her date tickets to the opera, I am shocked that she would not
even give the shidduch a chance. Even
if she did not condone the man’s decision, why was she not willing to meet and
discuss it with him? What if he really did not know that a woman was singing? She
should have asked him about kol isha
and tznius to see what his views are
on these two major concerns. Instead, she dropped him like a hot potato.
She should also not have taken it
upon herself to “pasken” (decide)
that the man was a baal aveira (sinner)
whom one should not marry under any circumstances. Rather, she should have
asked her rav if she has to be machmir (strict) about this particular
issue. There may be different approaches for younger or older daters. But even
in the case of young people, a rav
who is both a posek and someone who understands
the “fifth” Shulchan Aruch of common sense could have guided this woman on how
to effectively raise her objection to the man’s decision.
This brings me to the topic of
references. In today’s shidduch
world, it is an accepted norm to provide references, people the dater is
comfortable with and who know his or her background, family, etc. While most shidduch daters understand that
potential dates may call other acquaintances for more information, they would
probably be uncomfortable if someone goes behind their back with excessive “snooping”
to see what “nonsense” they can find out. In doing so, one may encounter
people who have issues with the single’s family or someone who is jealous because
the one being inquired about is someone they themselves would like to date.
These kinds of people can spill sour grapes for no reason at all. Forget rechilus or lashon hara. When people are driven by such negative emotions, they
are apt to talk before they think. This can indeed derail and shidduch.
People researching
someone should abide by that person’s wishes and call their given references. I
understand that the person doing the research feels like they will get more
“accurate” information from someone they know and trust, but the problem is
that when they do excessive background checks, they are often seeking
perfection (which doesn’t exist) and dwelling only on the negative.
I have mentioned many times that a
couple should go out once before they start their FBI investigation. Sometimes people
research and research. Then the couple meets, and it was all for naught; they
just did not click. Or the “information” they discover is not the truth. A
mother once called me about her divorced daughter, age 21. I asked, “Did
you check? Her response was “Yes, we checked and checked, and it turned out to
be a bunch of lies!”
Many of the shidduchim I have redt started out the way you are proposing, and they are married
and living happy lives together. Times have changed. Now, people ask what grades
a person got in high school or how the mother dresses. A gadol was once asked if the mother of the young person covered her
hair. His response was: “Whenever I see her she has her hair covered,
but in all the years I have known her she has never spoken a word of lashon hara. That should be the ikar (main thing).”
These kinds of questions are narishkeit (foolishness), which have
nothing to do with the character and middos
of the prospective shidduch. And
in any case, no matter how many questions you ask, no one knows a person until
they actually live with them.
I would like to say yasher koach to both of you. I admire
the way you approached the issue. I believe that if everyone were on your page,
there would be happier shidduchim,
with less pressure. And, as I have repeatedly said, the couple makes the decision – no one else. You have to be honest with
each other, have serious conversations, know what each of you wants – not what
your parents, peers, or shadchanim
tell you to look for in a mate.
It is also admirable that you
admitted that there are ups and downs, concerns and compromises, in a blended
family. This awareness leads to a happier home and makes the blending much
easier. May you continue to have hatzlacha
in your marriage and nachas from your
blended families.
I hope that younger people reading
this will take a lesson from mature, experienced individuals as they pursue
their quest for their own zivug.
