Ask the Shadchan

by Mashe Katz

A Shidduch Question:

 I’ve gone out with this guy six times. He has a good sense of humor, and we have lots to talk about. He’s good looking and has a job. We are both in our mid-20s. A friend made the shidduch. Before I agreed to go out with him, I spoke to several people. They all described him as very nice, kind, very considerate. And he is. On all our dates, I have found him to be caring. He listens well and makes appropriate and empathetic comments. He is kind and considerate to other people we encounter, like waitresses. He is, in general, just a sweet and kind person.

On our last date, though, something happened that makes me wonder who he really is. A huge cicada landed on my shoulder. I screamed and was very upset. Surprisingly, my date did not try to help me. Instead, he laughed; he thought it was funny.

There are a few other things I’m beginning to notice. We’ve been talking on the phone between dates. A few times, he said he’s going to call, and then he didn’t. Or he’ll say, “Let’s plan to go to such and such place,” and then he forgets he said it.

Another thing: He is very expressive and open with his feelings. On our third date, he said he loves to spend time with me, things are going so nicely, he’s so happy we met. Then on date four, he was sharing his doubts, saying things like, “I don’t know if this is going anywhere.” He is so sensitive to everyone’s needs, but he didn’t think about how his words were affecting me. Maybe I wanted him to keep his doubts to himself. By date five, it was back to good again.

I like this guy, and I really want it to work. Everyone says he is so sensitive and sweet, and that is something I care about. I myself have seen his warm, caring side. He’s very friendly and personable. I’m just not sure if he’s the real deal. He almost seems like two people. At this point there is no shadchan involved, and I don’t know how to proceed. Any ideas?

The Shadchan Answers:

Regarding the cicadas: This may be a bit of immaturity on both your parts. So a cicada landed on you. You could have brushed it off, and that would have been that. How, if you are shomer negiah, can you expect him to do anything? As far as his laughing, some people have a nervous laugh when they are not sure how to handle an unexpected situation. You should not fault him for that. You may have thought that he should show more empathy, but the cicadas don’t harm anyone. If he had reminded you of this, you would have been very embarrassed; perhaps that’s why he decided to laugh it off. In either case, I am sure that he did not want to hurt you in any way. 

About the different sides to this young man’s personality, it doesn’t sound like he is cruel or malicious; the faults you mention are being forgetful or not totally “put together.” Actually, those traits go with his “niceness.” People who are driven and detail-oriented often do not excel in the expressiveness and empathy department.

If you think that he is perhaps too expressive, what you need to discover is if he is just a little quirky or if this is indicative of a more serious problem. (Sometimes, drastic variations in personality are a façade for more serious underlying psychological issues.) I am guessing that he does share his feelings more openly than the typical person. He may be somewhat lacking in social awareness, or, he may be one of those people who doesn’t have a “filter” and is not playing the dating “game.” Rather, he is genuine and open with his feelings. If you keep seeing this pattern as you continue to date, it will ultimately be up to you to decide if you are comfortable with the way he is. 

I would advise you to discuss your feelings with the young man himself and see how he responds, which may also be a guideline for you. On the third date, he let you know that he did like you and was considering spending his life with you – but on the fourth date, he was still not 100% positive. The fact that he would like to keep you informed about his feelings for you may actually be a sign of maturity. He mentions your wonderful positive attributes but is not yet ready to make a lifelong commitment, and I think this is not unusual for a fifth date in our circles. I have a question for you: do you express your feelings for him in any manner? Maybe he was giving you an opening and hoping that you would respond in kind.

If you have strong feelings for each other, you should continue dating until you feel comfortable. The longer you spend time with a person, the more you should get to know him/her, and as the commitment becomes stronger, the discussions should be deeper and more sensitive. However, if after an extended dating period you are still unclear about some of his personality issues and/or his emotional fluctuations become more frequent or more drastic, then I recommend that you speak to a third person, either the shadchan or someone like a dating coach, who can help you find clarity. But even if there are issues that need to be discussed with a third party, the ultimate decision has to be made by the single, or in the case of a successful shidduch, the couple themselves.

Hopefully, you will very soon begin to build your bayis ne’eman with him, and everything will work out fine. Hatzlacha.