Dear Dr. Kidorf,
I just came home from Israel. I was in a
good yeshiva, and it was a great two years. I learned a lot, saw the country –
it was great. One thing I learned in Israel was how to drink on Shabbos. Most
guys did, so I tried it. And I liked it. But I only drink on Shabbos; never
during the week.
Before my first
Shabbos home, I asked my mother if she would buy some beer. (I can’t buy it
myself as I am only 20.) She agreed. On Friday night, I was trying all the
wines on the table. My parents always put out a lot of bottles of wine, all
different kinds – not that anybody drinks a lot. But they enjoy wine.
After a while, I
noticed that everyone was staring at me. I wondered, what are they looking at?
I even heard my younger brother say, “Wow you really learned how to drink.” I’m
not a problem. In fact, I think I’m a pretty great guy. I certainly wasn’t
smashed, just happy and relaxed. I never get drunk. I’m a big guy, so I can
drink a lot. I wanted some beer after the meal, but after seeing their faces, I
thought I better do it privately.
On Shabbos day, I had
a couple of lechaims at shul, but that was it. But I can see that it is
very jarring to my family. They seem to think I have a problem. What I want to
know is, do I have a problem? Or are my parents a little behind the times?
Response:
Thank you
for your questions, and welcome back. I don’t think your situation is very
unusual. Many kids come back from Israel with a greater desire to drink. In
Israel, you had more independence and fewer barriers to drinking. I believe
that Israel also has a lower minimum drinking age.
Twenty
years old is a tricky age. You are phasing out of adolescence. On the one hand,
you are concerned about your parents’ feelings and want to honor their wishes. I
think this is an important part of what makes you a “great guy.” At the same
time, like other adolescents, you may get some joy from testing limits and
challenging rules. You wonder if the biggest problem with your drinking is that
your parents have a bad attitude about it. You also perceive some mixed
messages: Your mom is willing to buy you beer, and your Shabbat table is
decorated with different wines, yet your decisions to drink seem to meet
disapproval.
I
think it is worth mentioning that I don’t think the issue here is drinking wine
on Shabbat. Having wine for kiddush, and perhaps a little more during the meal,
is one of the perks of being a Jewish kid, perhaps a trade-off for all of the
other restrictions of the day. I sense, however, that what you are describing
is more than this.
Based
on your letter, it is difficult to determine if you have an alcohol problem. That
would require a clinical interview to assess how drinking fits in with all of
the other obligations and experiences of your life. However, we can focus on
two aspects of your drinking. The first is how much you are drinking. The
second is the impact that your drinking has on others.
Your
letter is a bit vague on how much you are drinking on Shabbat. The reason why
this is important is that adolescents and young adults drink differently than
adults. Most of the time, young people who drink engage in what is called binge
drinking, which for you would be defined as four-to-five drinks per occasion,
enough to exceed the legal limit of intoxication (BAC = .05) or, in your words,
becoming “happy and relaxed.” We know a lot about the harms of binge drinking. It
predicts more long-term drinking problems and even other addictive behaviors
(like vaping and cannabis use). Binge drinking also increases the risk of
cognitive and mental health problems. The point is that, if you consume four or
more drinks per occasion, you are entering dangerous territory, even if your
drinking is confined to Friday night and Shabbat day.
It
sounds like you take some pride in being able to handle your drinks. As a “big
guy,” you may require somewhat more alcohol to reach the legal limit than
someone who is smaller and less experienced. Unfortunately, this does not
shield you from problems. You are only 20 years old, and your brain is still
growing and making connections. Binge drinking at your age can impair your
thinking and processing of information, making it harder to learn and make good
decisions.
Now
about those lechaims. Outside of the
toll alcohol may be taking on your health, drinking at shul is a problem for at
least two reasons: 1) you are underage, and 2) you are outside your parents’
supervision. There is a huge difference between drinking some wine (or even
beer) at home with your family at a seuda
and taking shots at shul.
Of
course, you do not drink in a vacuum. Your drinking impacts others. It seems
clear that your parents are concerned but may have a difficult time
articulating their worries. I don’t even know them, but I can guess that they
have plenty of other things on their plate! Part of determining if drinking is
a problem is whether a person continues to drink even when it has a negative
effect on others. That you are willing to drink alone on Shabbat rather than
give up drinking altogether would worry me as a parent.
As
you noticed, you also seem to be making quite an impact on your younger
siblings, who may learn to take a more casual approach in regard to their own
decisions to drink. They might also develop the mistaken impression that your
parents approve of underage drinking, which I assume from your letter that they
do not. I wonder if your mom’s willingness to purchase beer was a strategy to
keep your drinking at home where they can monitor what you are doing.
It
is certainly possible that your drinking is simply a normal phase that you are
going through. You are still within the upper bounds of adolescence, which
often favors certain codes of conduct and risk taking. It is quite possible
that alcohol will become less important as you grow older and have more
responsibilities. This is a pattern demonstrated by many
kids who drink in high school or college.
The
flipside, of course, is that your drinking gets worse. This could happen by
drinking more at shul or at seudot,
by drinking alone in your room, by drinking with friends behind your parents’
back, or by using other substances with or without alcohol. This would be a sad
outcome that would inevitably lead to terrible unhappiness for you and your family.
I
have two suggestions. The first is to do your own research on how alcohol
affects your brain and behavior. Consider visiting the website of the National
Institute of Alcohol and Alcoholism (niaaa.nih.gov) and click “Alcohol’s
Effects on Health.” It is always good to be informed.
My second suggestion is to have a discussion
with your parents about drinking. Right now, you are underage and living in
their house. From your letter, they seem willing to give you a little space
while creating boundaries for your safety. This is their solemn duty! It also
provides a nice opportunity for you to demonstrate a capacity to put limits on
your drinking. If abstinence seems too draconian, you might come to an
agreement, for example, to limit drinking to one-to-two drinks at home during
the seuda, and to refrain from
drinking at shul or outside of the house until you are 21 years old.
It
is good to work on self-control while you are living at home and under your
parents’ supervision. Some kids develop self-control early in life, while
others take longer. The wonderful thing about having a loving and caring family
is that you can work out this issue before having a family of your own, iy”H.
