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wrote to Rabbi Menachem Goldberger, problems in caregiving. What hap- people who studied various tzedakas
who gave me the following perspective: pens to the mitzvos of kibud av and made group decisions on which
To understand the Jewish position, we va’eim (honoring parents) when the to support with the money they had.
must distinguish between halacha caregiving roles reverse? How does a
(Jewish law) and hashkafa (Jewish out- daughter honor a mother who has Men are faced with a particular
look and philosophy). The former become childlike? Can an affected challenge. A man who has spent a
delineates moral and legal obligations; person’s kashrus be trusted in the lifetime learning needs to continue at
the latter provides moral recommenda- kitchen? What about bringing non- whatever level he can. That is why we
tions and perspectives. Jewish helpers into the house? In saw Boruch learning with his rebbe,
addition to kashrus issues, there are who, although affected with dementia,
Under halacha, one should not tell also questions of yichud and negia. still very much wanted to be involved
a lie. Anything said must be the truth, To what extent should a person with with Talmud Torah. Affected people
although a person may, under certain dementia be required or encouraged are often unable to attend community
circumstances, choose to be silent to follow the halachas of Shabbos, of shiurim and become isolated and
rather than say anything. Also under kashrus? Can an impaired person lonely. A prominent rabbi affected
Jewish law, it is forbidden to harm who has always waited six hours after with Alzheimer’s was able to attend a
another person, physically or mental- eating meat before eating dairy wait shiur for a period of time. He was not
ly. In addition, there is an obligation three hours instead in cases of need able to follow many of the arguments
to protect the other person from harm or mental anguish? People with in the Gemara, but much of his ency-
when possible. dementia can undergo significant per- clopedic memory was intact, and he
sonality changes, and gentle people could contribute quotes of pesukim.
Sometimes, these obligations come might become violent. How does a After a while, he was no longer able to
into conflict. The caregiver may have child deal with this? Is there an issue do this and could not take part in the
an obligation to bring comfort to the of mesira in notifying authorities if shiur. Kind people learned with him
person who is suffering, yet under the caregiver is being abused? Can as chavrusas at whatever level was
some circumstances, this cannot be outside people be told about the possible. This was not just a chesed to
done without lying. In some cases, the dementia, or is this lashon hara? an impaired individual, making him
obligation to comfort the person out- Since some dementias occur at feel better. It may have been quite
weighs the obligation to tell the truth. younger ages and spouses still love simple intellectually, but Talmud
In other cases, the truth must be told, each other, what are the implications Torah is truly of great value at any
since the person with dementia would for taharas hamishpacha? level, just as is teaching a child the
be able to handle it at his or her cur- alef bais.
rent state of functioning. Each case Helping the Impaired Achieve
must be considered individually. Especially in the earlier stages, people Some affected people require help
affected by dementias are still capable following the davening in shul, and
From the perspective of Jewish of leading valuable and meaningful many may need help with physical
hashkafa, it is not good to tell a lie lives. Craft projects and afternoon activities such as putting on tefilin.
both because it dishonors the person entertainment are helpful to some Unlike teachers of children, however,
hearing the lie and damages the char- impaired people, but many Torah Jews teachers of persons with dementia are
acter of the person telling it. will not be satisfied with these. Torah not rewarded by seeing academic
Therefore, even when lying might be life is not passive, and we all require progress. They must understand that
permitted for therapeutic purposes, it opportunities to continue to be active studying Torah and merely slowing
must not be done in a cavalier fash- and useful in the world. Torah tells us down the person’s decline also have
ion, and the falsehood must be mini- that a person is always a person and profound value.
mized to the greatest extent possible. must continue to be aware of his or
Consider this true story: A man’s wife her value. Balancing Needs and Mitzvos
was crying that she wanted to “go The Bostoner Rebbe, zt’l, was very
home.” If he told her that she was There are opportunities for chesed strict about people not missing learn-
already home in her own living room, available to people with varying ing sessions. Once a student missed a
she would not have believed him and degrees of disability. They can contin- session, and the Rebbe asked him
would have been very upset. He did ue to support their families at whatev- why. The student apologized and said
not want to lie to her, so he said, “If er level of functioning they retain. that a friend of his had to visit a podi-
you go to sleep now, when you wake They can volunteer in the community atrist for a minor procedure on his
up in the morning you will be home.” for such activities as mailings for com- foot. This friend was sensitive to even
This satisfied her, and she went to munity organizations. In one case, a small amounts of pain and was very
bed. He had indeed spoken the truth. social worker put together a group of anxious the evening before. The stu-
physically- and mentally-impaired dent skipped the class to spend the
Challenges Facing the Torah Jew evening comforting his friend. The
Observant Jews face many unique
106 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
who gave me the following perspective: pens to the mitzvos of kibud av and made group decisions on which
To understand the Jewish position, we va’eim (honoring parents) when the to support with the money they had.
must distinguish between halacha caregiving roles reverse? How does a
(Jewish law) and hashkafa (Jewish out- daughter honor a mother who has Men are faced with a particular
look and philosophy). The former become childlike? Can an affected challenge. A man who has spent a
delineates moral and legal obligations; person’s kashrus be trusted in the lifetime learning needs to continue at
the latter provides moral recommenda- kitchen? What about bringing non- whatever level he can. That is why we
tions and perspectives. Jewish helpers into the house? In saw Boruch learning with his rebbe,
addition to kashrus issues, there are who, although affected with dementia,
Under halacha, one should not tell also questions of yichud and negia. still very much wanted to be involved
a lie. Anything said must be the truth, To what extent should a person with with Talmud Torah. Affected people
although a person may, under certain dementia be required or encouraged are often unable to attend community
circumstances, choose to be silent to follow the halachas of Shabbos, of shiurim and become isolated and
rather than say anything. Also under kashrus? Can an impaired person lonely. A prominent rabbi affected
Jewish law, it is forbidden to harm who has always waited six hours after with Alzheimer’s was able to attend a
another person, physically or mental- eating meat before eating dairy wait shiur for a period of time. He was not
ly. In addition, there is an obligation three hours instead in cases of need able to follow many of the arguments
to protect the other person from harm or mental anguish? People with in the Gemara, but much of his ency-
when possible. dementia can undergo significant per- clopedic memory was intact, and he
sonality changes, and gentle people could contribute quotes of pesukim.
Sometimes, these obligations come might become violent. How does a After a while, he was no longer able to
into conflict. The caregiver may have child deal with this? Is there an issue do this and could not take part in the
an obligation to bring comfort to the of mesira in notifying authorities if shiur. Kind people learned with him
person who is suffering, yet under the caregiver is being abused? Can as chavrusas at whatever level was
some circumstances, this cannot be outside people be told about the possible. This was not just a chesed to
done without lying. In some cases, the dementia, or is this lashon hara? an impaired individual, making him
obligation to comfort the person out- Since some dementias occur at feel better. It may have been quite
weighs the obligation to tell the truth. younger ages and spouses still love simple intellectually, but Talmud
In other cases, the truth must be told, each other, what are the implications Torah is truly of great value at any
since the person with dementia would for taharas hamishpacha? level, just as is teaching a child the
be able to handle it at his or her cur- alef bais.
rent state of functioning. Each case Helping the Impaired Achieve
must be considered individually. Especially in the earlier stages, people Some affected people require help
affected by dementias are still capable following the davening in shul, and
From the perspective of Jewish of leading valuable and meaningful many may need help with physical
hashkafa, it is not good to tell a lie lives. Craft projects and afternoon activities such as putting on tefilin.
both because it dishonors the person entertainment are helpful to some Unlike teachers of children, however,
hearing the lie and damages the char- impaired people, but many Torah Jews teachers of persons with dementia are
acter of the person telling it. will not be satisfied with these. Torah not rewarded by seeing academic
Therefore, even when lying might be life is not passive, and we all require progress. They must understand that
permitted for therapeutic purposes, it opportunities to continue to be active studying Torah and merely slowing
must not be done in a cavalier fash- and useful in the world. Torah tells us down the person’s decline also have
ion, and the falsehood must be mini- that a person is always a person and profound value.
mized to the greatest extent possible. must continue to be aware of his or
Consider this true story: A man’s wife her value. Balancing Needs and Mitzvos
was crying that she wanted to “go The Bostoner Rebbe, zt’l, was very
home.” If he told her that she was There are opportunities for chesed strict about people not missing learn-
already home in her own living room, available to people with varying ing sessions. Once a student missed a
she would not have believed him and degrees of disability. They can contin- session, and the Rebbe asked him
would have been very upset. He did ue to support their families at whatev- why. The student apologized and said
not want to lie to her, so he said, “If er level of functioning they retain. that a friend of his had to visit a podi-
you go to sleep now, when you wake They can volunteer in the community atrist for a minor procedure on his
up in the morning you will be home.” for such activities as mailings for com- foot. This friend was sensitive to even
This satisfied her, and she went to munity organizations. In one case, a small amounts of pain and was very
bed. He had indeed spoken the truth. social worker put together a group of anxious the evening before. The stu-
physically- and mentally-impaired dent skipped the class to spend the
Challenges Facing the Torah Jew evening comforting his friend. The
Observant Jews face many unique
106 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
