Navigating the shidduch parsha can be akin to traversing a vast forest in the dead of night with no torch in hand. As a result, decisions are made, often inadvertently, that may be counterproductive or even harmful. It is my hope to shed light on a few areas of concern that have presented themselves recently. B’ezras Hashem, these ideas, based on many conversations with those involved in shidduchim for decades, will help guide those of us who are trying to navigate the shidduch parsha as well as increase dating opportunities for our singles.

How many of you think twice before taking a walk because you are afraid of being confronted by a stranger? Especially if you are a female? How many of you feel vulnerable, especially when you are alone, because of your advanced age and/or because of a physical limitation?

Last month, I attended an introductory self-defense class for women in my neighborhood taught by black belt instructor and president of Comprehensive Survival Arts Martial Arts and Wellness School, Jen Lake. Beyond being a terrific neighborhood bonding experience, the class was downright fun, and Jen empowered us to make smart choices.

Jen, who is an instructor at the JCC and in our community for over 25 years, is passionate about teaching self-defense and making it doable for everyone. I would like to share just some of the many invaluable safety tips and self-defense techniques I learned from her.

Some say that if you remember the Sixties you weren’t there.

The Sixties was a time of revolution – and drugs. Although I was part of this era, I am grateful that the Ribono Shel Olam (G-d) helped me get through it without frying my brain. (Although I somehow avoided doing drugs, I did once go into a movie theater full of students and noticed a rather pronounced sweet musty odor. So I can truthfully say that, although I never smoked marijuana, I did inhale.)

The Sixties was also a time of idealism. Young people were opposed to the Vietnam War. They bundled this with opposition to racism, and expected to produce a new world, the “Age of Aquarius,” which would bring peace, love, a hatred of money and property, and equal distribution of all worldly goods. The streets were filled with protests, demonstrations, and sometimes alternative forms of expression (“riots”). It was, of course, entirely coincidental that the unrest began about the time that Congress did away with draft deferments for college students and ended when the draft was repealed.

We hear of tragedies every day, unfortunately. Usually, we barely pause. We sigh, say baruch Dayan Ha’emes, and go on with our lives. But sometimes the tragedies hit close to home, because we know the people well. That happened to me recently when two special women were niftaros around Pesach time. Both women’s names were on many tehilim lists, one as Rochel bas Chana Leah, Rochel Globerman, my neighbor and friend on Clover Road for the last 30 years – and one as Rochel bas Rima, my friend Rochel Canterman, who lived in Heather Ridge.

Although Mrs. Globerman and Mrs. Canterman did not know each other, in my mind they are linked, because I knew both of them well and davened for both of them. And both left this world around the same time. I thought it might be meaningful to write a little about these two special women, to give their friends an opportunity to talk about the loss that our community suffered and to elaborate on their uniqueness.

On May 27, 2016, our father (Totty), Rabbi Shmuel Dovid HaLevi Siegel, was niftar as a result of complications caused by advancing Alzheimer’s disease, a condition with which he struggled during the final years of his life.

Even in the throes of his significant challenges, Totty maintained the essential elements of his personhood: his gentleness and humility; his courtesy and courtliness; his yiras Shamayim and bitachon (fear of and faith in G-d); and his deep connection to his Torah learning. Even when his awareness of current times was obscured by his illness, Totty could still recite psukim (verses) from anywhere in Tanach, put on his tefilin unaided, and participate in a minyan.

Daniel Heifetz, the father of Baltimore’s internationally renowned singer and voice teacher, Elena Tal, is not your average violinist. Famous in five continents for his extraordinary virtuosity, he has won national and international violin competitions; performed on stages around the world, including the Lincoln Center; and served as a professor of violin at the Peabody Conservatory of Music in Baltimore, among other fine institutions. Yet he is as humble and unassuming as they come.

I was honored to be invited by Mrs. Tal to attend the after-school duet performance by her and her father, to which she recently treated her Bais Yaakov seniors.

How are men and women really different?

With all the talk about “woman’s role” in Judaism, most people would be hard put to answer that question. For lack of alternatives, our community often uses societal roles to pinpoint the differences: She takes care of the children/cooks chicken soup/ sings lullabies. He earns a living/learns Torah/puts oil in the car.

But societal roles, particularly in our rapidly changing society, are a weak and fickle reed on which to hang an entire philosophy about gender. In fact, different periods in history had paradigms for gender roles that look quite different from ours. For example, aristocratic Jewish families throughout the ages often had nannies who took care of their children. It would have been completely not in consonance with the mother’s stature to have her flipping pancakes or giving baths. And while today we tend to assign great significance to nursing one’s baby – seeing it as the ultimate in mother-baby bonding – there were periods in history when Jewish mothers would not have dreamt of nursing their own babies; they hired wet nurses.

These are trying times to be a Jewish voter in America.

For the past couple decades, support for Israel and the Jews has grown increasingly strong among Republicans. This trend has continued in Congress (though there is vast bipartisan support for Israel among senators and congressmen). Assaults on the traditional U.S.-Israel alliance have come more recently from the Democratic Party. This has continued – and worsened – which we will discuss below. But some alarming events have transpired among Republican and their backers, as well, that should cause worry among Jews. The meteoric rise of populist Donald Trump has come with its share of worrisome anti-Semitic incidents and connection to the shady “alt-right,” the Caucasian “anti-left-wing-racism racists.”

I spent 13 years in the shidduch parsha. Baruch Hashem, I have wed, but just because I am married doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten what I went through and what thousands of others are currently going through. I still have very close friends and cousins in the shidduch parsha. One of the important tasks I have now is trying to match them up with appropriate shidduchim – not just pairing up a male and a female, because I remember how that feels. I remember how it felt to stand at a singles event or go to a Shabbaton and feel that this wasn’t where I belonged. And I remember calling and calling and calling shadchanim who either didn’t return my calls or set me up with the antithesis of what I was looking for. I felt lost, and I felt that the assistance being offered to me and others wasn’t addressing the true issues singles were having.

The flowers adorning every bima or aron kodesh I saw this Shavuos, as well as every dining or coffee table of the homes I visited awakened in me a curious (in both senses of the word) thought: It may be pure speculation on my part, but I can’t help but wonder when man began growing flowers simply for their looks and fragrance. Spices are fragrant, true, but their main function is to flavor and preserve food. All other agricultural produce is grown for consumption – whether by humans or their animals. When did people decide to grow lovely plants, like roses, orchids, and daffodils – not for any practical purpose but simply for beauty and olfactory pleasure?