Dear Rabbi Beren,
I read your article in a recent issue of the WWW about bullying, and to my surprise I
actually saw bullying not long after with my own eyes. The problem was that the
bullies were two very cute little girls. I am not sure that the word bully can
be applied to such cute little kids. I was watching a dynamic that seems to
have happened before, but I only witnessed a small part of it. The two girls
were giggling and whispering about a third girl in the park and saying things
like “Let’s plan against her.” She did not respond; I got the impression that
she was used to this. I read in your article about your build-up program, so I
tried to use it. I did not know this little girl at all – so I just asked her
name and told her that I have the same name. I am not sure if that is called
building up. I also told the cute little girl I was with that I was very
disappointed that she was being mean, but she did not look impressed. Who would
ever have imagined that I would see this right after I read your article! What
do you think of how I responded, and what would you advise me to do in such a
situation?
Chana
Dear
Chana,
First of all, I want to say how amazing it is that you cared
enough to not only notice what was going on but to step in and try to make the
situation better. A lot of people would just look the other way. You read about
bullying, and when you saw something that didn’t feel right, you acted. Achdus (unity) in klal Yisrael is not going
to happen unless we make it happen, and that’s exactly what you did. Yasher ko’ach!
From your description, it sounds like the kids involved were
pretty young – around 5 to 8 years old – and that you had a direct relationship
with one of the girls doing the whispering. Let’s look at what was going on and
how to think about it. You’ve raised three important questions: Can bullying
come from “cute little girls”? When is it okay to get involved? And what’s the
best way to respond and solve the situation? Let’s go through them one by one:
1) What is bullying, and
can it really come from sweet, cute little kids? Bullying happens when someone uses power (even if they don’t
realize it!) to hurt someone else – through words, actions, or leaving someone
out. It’s not about looks or being “cute” or “sweet.” It’s about the effect of
their behavior. Most of the time, children don’t fully understand the impact of
what they’re doing; they aren’t “bad” kids, they’re just acting in ways that
hurt others without realizing it.
There’s an example I like to use. Imagine two sweet,
rule-following boys yelling at another boy who struggles with self-control.
They yell things like, “You always cut in line! You never listen! What’s wrong
with you?” in front of everyone. These two boys don’t mean to be cruel –
they’re just frustrated – but they’re using their power (two vs. one, in
public, more popular) in a way that really hurts the other boy. Are they
monsters? Not at all. Should they be punished? Absolutely not. Are they still
doing something that causes the emotional harm of bullying because they yelled
at him in public, two popular kids vs. one less popular kid? Yes. But that
emotional harm can most of the time be fixed relatively easily by teaching them how to sincerely apologize and
then empathize with the other boy.
In your case, it sounds like the two girls were giggling and
planning something against another girl, and it seemed like this wasn’t the
first time. That’s why it matters, because even if they’re little and probably
don’t understand how much it hurts, it still has an impact on the other girl.
2) When is it okay to step
in and say something? This
is an important question. It depends on three things:
·
Your relationship with the kids. If you’re their parent, teacher, carpool driver, or someone
they know and respect, you can and should say something directly.
·
How well you know what’s going on. If you know the full context – like body language and
facial expressions, and you hear exactly what was said – that’s very good
information to act on. If you’ve seen this happen before or get the sense that
it’s been going on for a while, it’s absolutely important to step in.
·
How serious the situation is. If someone is being physically hurt or is surrounded and
humiliated, it’s okay for even a stranger to step in.
In your case, you had a direct relationship with one of the
girls whispering and clearly felt comfortable saying something to her, which is
great. That kind of gentle correction from a trusted adult can make a big
difference even if she didn’t seem impressed in the moment. In terms of letting
the parents of all three girls know what happened, since you’ve seen this
behavior before between these three girls, if you think any of the parents
aren’t aware of this dynamic already, then you should let them know.
3) How do we actually fix the situation? There are two things we want to do: Help the victim feel
stronger and more supported and help the child who did the bullying learn and
grow from this. You intuitively picked up on these needs. You built up the girl
who was left out by having a conversation with her that modeled love and
respect for her in front of the other girls. You taught the girl whom you had a
direct relationship with that her actions were not ok. While I will make a few
suggestions that could be helpful to someone in a situation like yours, it’s
hard to get it perfect, and I would advise others to use their common sense to
try their best, and don’t worry about getting it perfect.
Regarding the girl being made fun of, from our experience,
the number one way to boost a child’s self-worth is when an adult role model
publicly shows genuine appreciation for them - and you did just that!
For the girl who you know, here are a few ways that might
help you be even more effective next time:
?
Start by asking questions that don’t make the child feel like you’re accusing him or
her. Try something like: “Hey, I noticed you and your friend were whispering
and laughing about that other girl. Can you tell me what that was about? Were
you just joking, or did something happen between you?”
?
Let her know you still respect her
and validate that it is normal for everyone to make mistakes and hurt people’s
feelings sometimes, especially when they are kids. For example:
“I totally get it. When I was your age,
I could have easily done the same thing if I was put in a similar situation.”
?
Help her understand how it felt for
the other girl. You might
say, “How do you think she felt when she heard that? Even if it was just a
joke, it could still have felt hurtful.” Then gently add, “And sometimes, when
two people are whispering and laughing about someone else – even if it’s just
for fun – it can make that person feel a bit lonely or sad. How do you think
you would feel if you were the one being talked about like that?”
?
Guide her to make it right. If she seems ready, suggest something simple, like “Why
don’t you just go say, ‘Sorry if we hurt your feelings; we were just joking
around, but I can see it wasn’t nice.’”
If she can’t do that right away or seems embarrassed, you
can talk to the other girl first and ask if she’d like an apology. If she says
yes, then go back to the first girl and say, “She said she’d be happy to
forgive. She just wants to hear that you’re sorry.”
Final Thoughts
You clearly have the instincts and the heart to do this
well. The fact that you acted, thought about it afterwards, and are now asking
how to do it even better is exactly what we all need to do to keep laying the
bricks for the Bayis Shlishi. Keep
trusting yourself, keep being kind, and keep asking questions. That’s how we
raise the next generation of klal Yisrael – one small conversation at a
time.
Rabbi Beren is co-director of Reyus, an organization
dedicated to building up children to empower them to live with confidence and
joy. Their groundbreaking programs, Buildup and Camp Chaverim, counteract and
prevent the destructive consequences of bullying. To learn more, go to
reyus.org. If you have any bullying-related questions, please send them to the Where
What When at adswww@aol.com for a
response in a future column.
