Tamar and Rochel are both planning an evening out. They are going to the same place, meeting the same person, and spending the same amount of time there. Tamar is looking forward to the event, and Rochel is dreading it. How could the same event bring such different reactions? The answer, of course, is they are going to a PTA meeting. Tamar knows that her child is doing well in school and looks forward to getting a “nachas report.” Rochel is not looking forward to hearing about all the trouble her child is having.
PTA meetings are a longstanding
ritual for parents of school-age children – at least they were in my day. Now,
though the ritual is the same, the more up-to-date term seems to be PTC, for
parent-teacher conferences. Whatever…
Since I enjoy talking to people and
collecting their experiences, I thought it would be interesting to survey some
parents, as well as children, for their thoughts. It can be difficult to reach
people, however, so imagine my joy when I found myself in the JCC locker room
with representatives of three schools. I had a great conversation opener and soon
found that they had definite opinions about PTA meetings.
Teachers Talk
Dr. Suzanne Insel, coordinator of general
studies at Torah Institute, advocates for PTA meetings: “PTA allows a child’s
two main support systems to synergize. Recognize that PTA is the beginning of
what should be an ongoing partnership between parents and teachers, with
several touch points expected throughout the school year. A teacher should
convey to parents that she knows and likes their child and should share one
piece of insightful work. Alternatively, a teacher might ask for tips or
background to deal with a concern. Parents should convey to the teacher that he
or she is appreciated and respected and that a phone call or email home will be
acted upon. Additionally, parents can ask a specific question or get advice
about a concrete way to help their child be successful in this class. The value
of a child knowing that teacher and parents are in touch cannot be overstated.”
Sarah Bernard, a teacher in TA high
school, had this message for parents: “Often the parents who come to PTA are
the ones who know they will get a good report. Often, parents who think they
will not get a good report don’t come. They should know that I am
not going to yell at them or criticize them about their child. Teenagers
have a mind of their own. There is a limit to what parents can do; I only
want to brainstorm solutions with the parents. Sometimes a parent will tell me
about the interests of their child, and that helps me connect to them more
easily. Sometimes I have suggestions to help the parent at home. I often
tell them that it takes a village to raise children and we’re all part of that
village.”
Tzippi,* also a teacher, expressed
frustration about PTA meetings: “I think that parents expect too much from the
teacher and the school. They allow their children unlimited access to
unfiltered internet and let them stay up very late at night, and then they are
surprised when their children cannot perform well in school the next day. It is
very exhausting to meet face-to-face with parent after parent who have
unrealistic expectations of the teachers when they do not provide proper
boundaries at home.”
As I continued to question
teachers, I found that they mostly fell into either the “pro” or “con” group.
Rikki, my niece, a fourth-grade
teacher, said, “My guess is that PTA serves to motivate teachers to stay in
touch with a parent. We are instructed that if a child is struggling in school,
either academically, behaviorally, or socially, we should contact the parents
when the problem first arises. PTA is not the time for the parents to hear
about it for the first time.”
“I love PTA meetings,” said Judy
Neuberger, my cousin, who has been teaching for many years. “It is an
opportunity to get to know the parents. You can’t compare speaking to a parent
over the phone to speaking to them in person. You can understand the student
much better once you see who her parents are. In five or six minutes of
face-to-face conversation, you can accomplish a lot. I think PTA meetings are
extremely worthwhile and an eye-opening opportunity.”
Aviva,* another elementary school
teacher, added, “When you meet both the mother and the father you get to see
which parent is more involved with the child regarding school. I always discuss
homework situations. If it is hard for the child to do the homework, we discuss
solutions. If the child is having trouble understanding the lessons, we discuss
the resources that the school offers to support learning. For example, a father
complained that he was having trouble doing homework with his daughter and felt
it was ruining his relationship with her. I suggested that my classroom assistant
do the homework with his daughter in school. This simple solution only came
about because teachers and parents are partners.”
Another teacher, Miriam,* told me a
funny story: “I was an 18-year-old teacher, and I had a student who could not
sit still in class. In those days we did not have labels for this kind of
behavior. It was so enlightening to meet her mother at PTA. The mother could
not sit still either! I noticed that every minute she was turning around to see
who was coming in and out of the room. The apple does not fall far from the
tree.”
“As a teacher, if I know that the
parents take a strong interest in how their child is doing, I am careful to
keep track of how the child is doing on an ongoing basis,” said Rikki.* “PTA
meetings help me be accountable as a teacher.”
Parents Weigh In
A humorous article written by Ira
Bodenheim on Aish.com, has an interesting solution for parents who are afraid
of a bad report: “Take it from a pro. There is a simple way to get a good
report. Find out who the best child in the class is, arrive early, and simply
tell the teacher that you are that child’s parents. Right after the meeting,
hightail it out of there!”
Here are some other, more serious,
comments I heard from parents:
“I feel that PTA meetings are pointless
and a waste of time. If my kid is bad, I’ll know about it already, and if my
kid is good, I’ll also know that. Not much is to be gained from a five-minute
time slot.”
“We typically go to the first PTA
meeting of the year, just to put faces to the names and meet the teachers and
then skip the rest, assuming everything is going well with the child.”
“I enjoy PTA meetings because it is
an opportunity to meet other parents and to get to know the teachers. It puts a
face to my children’s friends’ mothers and their teachers. I always attend
every meeting because it shows my children that their school experience is significant
to me. They spend a good part of their life in school, and I want them to know
that I understand its relevance and importance. If we are partners with the
teachers, we need to work together.”
“I think PTA is a good time for
parents of easy kids to hear about how well their kids are doing in school. As
a child I loved it when my mother went to PTA. My parents were quick to believe
compliments about us, so I think they enjoyed it also. If there is an issue,
parents usually know about it before PTA, but teachers don’t really call
parents out of the blue to let them know what a great student their child is.”
“I appreciate PTA meetings; I go to
every single one. It’s an opportunity to gauge the competence of a teacher or a
rebbe. Sometimes, I realize that I must be a much more vocal advocate for my
child. Other times, I am inspired with enough confidence to feel comfortable
with the status quo.”
Parents Have Feelings
My sister, who lives in Eretz
Yisrael, focused on the feelings of parents: “Teachers must realize that
children are part of their parents. Even if the teacher does not blame or
accuse the parent, the parent feels blamed and accused when the teacher
criticizes the student. It is just natural and can’t be helped. Every parent wants
the teacher to know that their child is much more than his behavior.”
An article by Emuna Braverman on Aish.com
expresses the same message: “While this child may be one of many in a
classroom, to me, he is an individual precious soul, entrusted to me to love
and nurture. His welfare is my primary concern, and I devote most of my
emotional and physical resources to this end. My love for this child knows no
bounds. While I may not be naïve and may see clearly my child’s flaws and
weaknesses, I am focused on their strengths and potential. I believe in them
and love who they are.”
Interestingly, a relatively new
school in our community, Tashbar, does not have an evening dedicated to PTA
meetings. Rabbi Meir Khaver, principal, says, “My staff and I are in touch with
our parents every day (or more) if necessary. If I am going to shlep
teachers and parents to come out at night, I would prefer to have a more
enjoyable event.” Tashbar has Parent Visiting Day, a school day (usually
Sunday) when parents can join their children in class to experience their child’s
day, chat with teachers at recess, and, of course, enjoy pastries and
coffee.
Children Speak
Students also have opinions and
vivid memories about PTA meetings.
“I loved PTA meetings as a child. I
couldn’t wait until my mother came home from the meeting and told me all the
nice things the teachers said. I was always frustrated that she did not
remember the exact words that the teacher used to describe how wonderful I was!”
“I personally dreaded PTA meetings.
My older sister was extremely academic, and I was the complete opposite. To me,
PTA was when my parents would hear teachers sing my sister’s praises and then
hear nothing good about me. I knew what all my teachers were going to say – I seem
very bright, but I don’t participate enough, and I’d do much better if I put in
more effort. Sometimes I wasn’t interested in putting in the effort, but most
times, it was just too hard for me, and I didn’t understand the material. I felt
like my parents would only come home disappointed, even though they always
shared whatever positive feedback they received.”
“I hated PTA meetings because in
our school, parents met with the teachers in the gym at various tables. All the
parents and teachers were technically in hearing range of each other. As an
adult, I know that nobody was listening in or trying to eavesdrop, but as a
child I was terrified that my friends’ parents might hear bad things about me
as well.”
“Many parents left candy and notes
on their kids’ desks for the next day, but my parents were not the type to do
that. They came home and shared compliments with us directly. But as a child,
seeing most classmates get candy made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to
deserve a prize.”
“I always went to bed early on PTA
nights. That way I wasn’t up when my parents came home to have a conversation
about what the teacher said. By the next morning, things didn’t sound so bad.”
Who’s Going?
Another interesting question is who
will attend the PTA meeting. Is it only the mother?
Avi* said, “I like to attend PTA
meetings together with my wife, but I think that is unusual, especially in a girls
high school. Once, my wife and I left a classroom after a meeting with a
teacher. A line of about 20 mothers was waiting outside the room. The principal
kept telling me how excited he was to see me – that it was so good that fathers
were involved while clearly wondering what was wrong with me.”
“Yoav,* another father, said, “For
my oldest daughter, I was a bit intimidated to go to PTA events, but at some point,
I realized that I needed to be as engaged in my daughter’s education as with my
sons. There were a few PTAs where I was the only male in the building.”
*
* *
As usual, there is no wrong or
right perspective. PTA meetings are part of life as a parent and as a child. Our
viewpoint will be colored by our experience, but we can all learn from seeing
the situation from the eyes of others. It was such fun to speak to so many
people and hear all these different ideas. I hope my readers will benefit from them
as well.
* a pseudonym
