Parenting with a Plan

I’ve been working with adolescents and parents for over 20 years. Through my work, my own experiences with my parents, and my experiences raising my own children, I’ve noticed something that comes up again and again.

Most parents are trying incredibly hard. They love their children. They sacrifice for their children. They read parenting books. They attend parenting classes. They listen to podcasts. They ask questions. Some of them are so invested in parenting that they even write parenting books.

The challenge is that, like many areas in life, studying something is often much easier than implementing it when the pressure is on. It’s one thing to read about staying calm, validating feelings, and preserving relationships. It’s another thing entirely when the challenge lands in your lap and every emotion inside of you is screaming to react.

Those moments present us with a very serious parenting fork in the road.

Imagine an otherwise good kid, a son who has generally made good decisions. Maybe he’s in twelfth grade. Maybe he’s a year or two out of high school. He rents a car with friends and drives to Florida. Then you get a call or a text that he was caught driving 120 miles per hour. There’s a massive ticket and a whole mess to untangle.

You get that text and your stomach drops. You’re brewing, you’re boiling, and you’re wondering how this could have happened. In that moment, before a single word is spoken, you arrive at a critical parenting fork in the road.

You have two options. The first option is the default response. It’s the self-soothing response. At first glance, it feels like the one that makes the most sense. You tell him, “What were you thinking? How could you be so stupid? This is exactly why I can’t trust you. Every time I give you freedom, you let me down.”

You tell him he’s going to pay every penny back. He’s grounded indefinitely. He’s never going out with friends again. Then you spend the next hour reviewing every detail of what happened, so he fully understands how reckless and irresponsible he was.

In a strange way, this approach feels good. You’re getting your anger out. You’re expressing your disappointment. You’re making sure your point is heard loud and clear.

And while the example may be extreme, we can copy and paste this reaction into countless parenting situations: getting caught sneaking out, breaking rules, lying, making poor choices, getting into trouble at school, or any situation where our instinct is to criticize, lecture, and pulverize.

But if we’re honest with ourselves, and if we actually take seriously what we’ve spent years reading and learning, we know, deep down, that this is usually not the path we want to take. Instead, we need to dig deep. We need to find every ounce of strength we have and resist the urge to unload our emotions onto our child. Because in that moment, our child is already carrying a ton. They’re ashamed. They’re feeling guilty. They’re scared. They don’t fully understand why they did what they did. And what they need most is not to be pushed away or crushed. They need to be held up.

Maybe it’s too difficult to do face-to-face. Maybe your emotions are running too high. Maybe it would be better to communicate through a text message, a WhatsApp message, or a voice note. And you say something like:

“This must be incredibly hard for you. I can only imagine how embarrassed, overwhelmed, or disappointed you feel right now. We love you, and we’re going to get through this together. Let’s focus on what you need for right now. No, I’m not happy about what happened, and it’s a big deal – we’ll unpack and deal with it later. But right now, I want you to know that you’re not alone, and we’re going to figure this out together. Please don’t worry or feel overwhelmed. We’re with you.”

Notice what you’re not doing. You’re not excusing the behavior, you’re not pretending everything is okay, and you’re not removing accountability. What you’re doing is something far more important: You’re teaching your child that it’s okay to make mistakes. You’re teaching them that your love is not conditional on their success, that when life gets messy, they can come to you, and they don’t have to hide. You’re teaching them that relationships are strong enough to survive disappointment and failure. Most importantly, you’re increasing the chances that the next time something goes wrong, they’ll call you instead of hiding from you. And there will be a next time. That’s their job description.

The truth is that parenting is not only about getting through today’s crisis. It’s also about teaching and modeling to our children how to parent and handle these situations in their future. And one day, whether consciously or unconsciously, many of them will parent their children the way they remember being parented. If all they remember is criticism, shame, and explosions, that’s usually what they’ll be programmed to pass on. But if they remember feeling loved, supported, and communicated while in the middle of their mistakes, that’s what they’ll carry into the next generation.

Every major parenting challenge presents us with a fork in the road. One path allows us to discharge our anger. The other allows us to strengthen our relationship. The first path often feels better in the moment. The second path usually serves our children far better in the long run.

Rabbi Akiva Sutofsky is a school therapist at Hillel Academy of Pittsburgh and also maintains a private practice. His book, Parenting with a Plan, was released before Pesach and includes haskamos from Rabbi Aharon Lopiansky and Rabbi Eli Reingold. The book can be found in all local Jewish bookstores and online. Rabbi Sutofsky can be reached at asutofsky@gmail.com or 832-338-9915.