I stayed in touch with Anne the way I’ve kept up with several high school friends for decades – by emailing annual birthday wishes. This past March 30, I had an uncanny feeling that I should call her instead.
I had lost track of Anne for years
after graduation, until my extensive Google search in 2012 discovered her past
and present whereabouts – a move to Hawaii, her intermarriage, and a subsequent
move down South. When Anne’s husband answered the phone and shared the sad news
that she had recently died, I suspected that she did not get a Jewish burial. After
expressing my condolences, I did not want to hang up until I knew for sure.
“I am so sorry to hear this sad
news! Was she buried in New Haven?”
“No, she was cremated. I’m trying
to figure out now what she would have wanted me to do with her ashes.”
I was shocked but not at all
surprised. I knew that nearly 50 percent of American Jews today opt for
cremation over kevuras Yisrael (Jewish burial) – and the trend is
growing. In fact, Anne’s cremation was the first of three cremations performed within
the past nine months on people I’ve known for years. The second was that of a
retired Jewish physician who was an avid baseball fan. He made his wishes known
to his family; he did not want to take up space being buried. Instead, he
requested that his ashes be strewn over second base of an undisclosed ballpark.
Although his Jewish wife was appalled by the thought of cremation, her devotion
to her husband and respect for his last wishes won out. The third cremation was
of an intermarried Jew who never identified with being Jewish and had “converted”
years ago.
Body and Soul
I wondered why anyone would purposely
choose to be violently cremated. Pardon me for being so graphic but wanting to incinerate
one’s body is unfathomable to me. This is in addition to the painful memory of
the millions of holy Jews who were cremated by the Nazis within living memory. Is
it because of a misunderstanding of our body-soul relationship and the
eternalness of our souls? Do they view themselves only as finite bodies? In our
extremely material world, where emphasis is increasingly put on physicality and
externals, my theory is plausible.
As Torah Jews, we do not view ourselves
as a body that happens to house a neshama (soul) but primarily as a neshama
that is encased in a protective vessel, the body, which also has holiness for
having protected the neshama since birth. It is comparable to a sefer
Torah dressed in its protective mantle. We realize that when a person
dies, although the neshama separates from the body, there remains a deep
and eternal connection between the two.
The Tragedy
Eager to find out why staggering
numbers of Jews choose cremation, I registered for the National Association of
Chevra Kadisha’s (NASCK) online workshop, “The Cremation Crisis Workshop.” I
learned that in America alone, a Jew is cremated every 16 minutes – translating
into 30,000 Jewish neshamos being irreparably harmed by cremation every
year. The workshop explained the importance of Jewish burial and why the
ultimate kindness one can perform is preventing a cremation and enabling proper
burial for the deceased.
Particularly at risk of the Jewish
cremation tragedy are family members, acquaintances, and neighbors who may have
intermarried or have children who are intermarried, or elderly people without
close family or estranged from family. In some instances, finances are an
issue, or they are concerned about being a burden. Still others feel guilty because
they never visited their parents’ or grandparents’ graves. Or they might feel that
no one would visit their grave anyway, so why not cremate?
Rabbi Elchonon Zohn, NASCK’s
founder and president and a world-renowned halachic expert in afterlife care,
discussed the top motivating factors for choosing cremation over burial. “The
cultural influence is powerful,” he said. “Half of the funerals people attend,
Jewish or not, are cremations. Even Jewish funeral homes promote cremation as a
choice. Another reason is that cremation is easy and convenient. However, a lot
of things we do in life are neither easy nor convenient, yet we gladly do them
because they are important – like sending a child to college or building a
career, home, or family.
Jewish Burial: Spiritual, Natural,
Dignified
“Jewish burial also needs to be
viewed as important,” said Rabbi Zohn. “A cemetery is a Bais Hachaim – a home
of the living neshamos that are eternal, an eternal home, a home of kvarim
(graves)…We believe that the kever, which in Hebrew means not only a
grave but a womb, is the place where we prepare for techiyas hameisim,
for the World to Come, just as the womb prepares us for this world. The neshama
hovers near the body and is highly concerned with the treatment of its most
intimate life partner. Moreover, the neshama endures an otherworldly
pain if the body is treated in an undignified manner.”
Rabbi Zohn refutes the popular notion
that there is something poetic about spreading the ashes in some meaningful
place or making jewelry or tattoos out of them. “The process of going from
point A to point B is anything but poetic,” he said. “It is a very violent and
destructive process of burning the body at 1800? F. for several hours.... Conversely,
the ways of the Torah are pleasant. Kevura (burial) is natural,
peaceful, and the way of all living things.”
Another argument – and marketing
technique – is that cremation is good for the environment. “That is fake news,”
said Rabbi Zohn. “This idea is coming from a non-Jewish paradigm where they use
toxic chemicals to embalm bodies before putting them into a metal casket. They do
all types of things that we don’t do.
“A traditional Jewish burial
according to halacha with a chevra kadisha is an all-natural
process with zero negative impact on the environment.” Rabbi Zohn contends
that, if anything, burial has a very positive impact on the environment. “The
body gives back nutrients to the earth – as opposed to the cremation process that
consumes a lot of fossil fuels and pumps all kinds of dangerous toxins into the
air.” Rabbi Zohn reiterates a question he once heard: “What do you want the
last thing your body does on this last act on earth to be? Do you want it to
poison the earth or give back to the earth?”
There is also a perspective that
cemeteries are not a great use of land. But Rabbi Zohn said, “Cemeteries ensure
green space that is beautiful and provide a historic context for people and
communities – it is part of the history of the city.” He quoted Rabbi Doron Kornbluth,
from his book Cremation or Burial? A Jewish View, who wrote, “If
everyone in the United States would choose a single inground burial spot, it
would take 10,000 years until one percent of the land was used. That’s 10,000
years, so we are not short of land.”
Why Cremation?
Cost is probably the biggest single
factor for people choosing cremation. Yet, there are many things that we pay
for because we see value in them. There is great value in burial, and for those
who are truly indigent, organizations that can help exist. Keep in mind that
prepayment, where payments can be spread out, can be arranged with funeral
homes.
Another reason you may hear from
those opting for cremation is that there will be no visitors, so why be buried?
Yet it is not about visitors as much as honoring the human being who is
deceased. Every Jew is of great value and should not just be incinerated or
composted. Moshe Rabbeinu, the greatest Jew who ever lived, was buried by
Hashem Himself in a paradigm of chesed. It was a burial that Hashem
guaranteed no one would find. This certainly teaches us that it is not a matter
of visitors.
“Moreover,” said Rabbi Zohn, “The
Jewish belief is that the burial spot is not just a marker; there’s actually a continuing
connection between the neshama and the guf (body). We call a
cemetery a beis hachaim, the home of the living, not just because
we believe in techiyas hameisim, the eventual regeneration of the body,
but also because in the place where the body is buried, there is a spark of the
neshama that lives eternally.”
Put It in Writing
Once a person has decided that they
want Jewish burial, it is extremely important to document his or her wishes in
writing, according to Rabbi Zohn. A simple form is available on NASCK’s Endcremation.org
and Lastkindness.org websites. Copies should be shared with anyone who may be
contacted in the event of their death. This document is especially important
when you are dealing with a situation in which family members or others may
have a say in the decision. It is even more important if a person expressed a
wish to be cremated sometime in the past. Another option available on the above
websites is a “My Burial Wishes Note,” which the person can fill out and send
to several people via email.”
The Conversation
My main takeaway from the seminar
is that everyone has the responsibility to help a Yid understand the importance
of choosing kevuras Yisrael over cremation. As Rabbi Zohn said, “Unless
you know that a person is planning for burial, you have to assume that there is
a very good chance he or she will be cremated. So, think about one person with
whom you are connected, and reach out and have this conversation. Create an
opening and make it as natural as possible. For example, while making small
talk, you can mention the recent passing of someone, reveal how many Jewish
people are cremated, etc.”
The time for conversations on
cremation is when people are alive and well; it becomes much more difficult
once the person is sick. After a person dies, the chances of making a change
are very low – almost non-existent. When approaching someone to have this
conversation, make sure you are coming from a place of love and ahavas
Yisrael – that you are not judging them and that they feel respected and
understood. Step into the person’s shoes to see what is motivating him/her. There
is no greater chesed shel emes.”
NASCK’s Rabbis and staff answer
oft-asked questions on Jewish death and mourning. You can reach them by calling
718-847-6280, or by emailing: info@nasck.org. Check out NASCK’s site, endcremation.org
and its sister site, lastkindness.org. Both sites offer resources, including a
helpline, videos, a workshop, and articles to help every Jew choose and plan
for kevura.
