Beginning shidduchim can be both exhilarating and nerve-racking. It requires a deliberate decision to start a new chapter full of uncertainty. The individual embarking on shidduchim may feel anxious and usually turns to those close to him for support and guidance. I want to explore the delicate balance between the individual’s role and his mentors’ roles in decision-making about dating. As a rebbe of boys, I will focus on a boy’s experience in shidduchim, though the same principles apply equally to girls.
Rav
Shlomo Wolbe, zt”l, writes at the end of his sefer, Z’ria U’binyan B’chinuch
(adapted into English as Planting and Building: Raising a Jewish Child),
that a boy should not be told that it is time to start shidduchim if the
boy himself does not feel ready. Conversely, Rav Wolbe adds, he should not be
discouraged from beginning shidduchim at a younger age (his example is
19) if he says he is ready and wants to start.
These
directives from Rav Wolbe shed new light on chinuch in general, and shidduchim
in particular. As parents, we naturally want what is best for our children, but
as outsiders, we only possess an external vantage point. In yeshivish circles,
most boys begin shidduchim at about age 23, as before this, they may
lack the maturity or emotional development needed to responsibly undertake the
practical, financial, and emotional aspects of marriage and family. On the
other hand, it may be unwise to delay dating beyond that age when their peers
are already starting to get married. There is a fear that younger girls may perceive
them as too old, or that people may wonder if something is wrong with them for
delaying dating. These are all valid considerations; thus, most
well-intentioned parents and mentors in yeshivish circles advise against dating
before age 22 and discourage delaying dating until after age 24.
Rav
Wolbe, however, teaches us that exclusive focus on such considerations
overlooks the most crucial factor – the person’s own perspective. Let’s begin
with the individual who wants to start dating early. One of the most basic
human needs, both physically and emotionally, is to get married. As the Torah
writes, “It is not good for man to be alone.” When a young man feels ready for
marriage, it is no simple matter to prevent him from doing so.
Drawing
on my experience as a rebbe of beis medrash age students, I find that Rav
Wolbe’s insights resonate deeply with me. When a student wants to start dating
early, I first have an extended conversation and ask why he seeks to begin shidduchim
before his peers. I am always impressed with the answers. I have never heard
the response some suspect, such as, “Marriage is enjoyable, I can relax more,” or
“I won’t need to work on curbing my base desires.” Rather, the answer always
gives deep insight into the talmid’s internal world. Usually, he feels
lonely and wants to build a meaningful bond with another person. Sometimes he
adds that he doesn’t feel fully connected or understood by his biological
family and seeks a genuine connection. Such emotions should never be dismissed
lightly.
Of
course, I don’t automatically give the green light to start dating. I explain
in detail the demands of marriage and the great emotional investment involved.
I make sure the student understands that marriage won’t solve life’s problems
and that a successful marriage demands sustained effort. I clarify that it is
his responsibility to emotionally support his wife and children, and that if he
can barely hold himself together due to his own emotional challenges, it is
unlikely that he will be able to support others. My students have always taken
these ideas seriously, just as I have taken their feelings seriously.
Sometimes, after thinking it over, they conclude they need to wait a little
longer before they are ready for marriage. Other times, they say they realize
the great responsibility of marriage and feel ready for the task.
Let’s
shift to the 24-year-old who has not begun dating. It is reasonable for a
parent or mentor to discuss marriage with him. However, beginning the
conversation with, “Your friends are all dating already; it is time for you as
well,” imposes an external perspective before understanding his internal
reality. A more sensitive approach is, “Most people start shidduchim at
your age. What are your thoughts about beginning to date?”
When
we allow the individual to share his internal experience, we will certainly
discover something about him that we didn’t realize. The answer can be anything
from anxiety about marriage to struggles with internet addiction. These
examples, and others like them, are very personal experiences that often even
those closest to the individual know nothing about. In these examples, there
are indeed legitimate concerns about the prospects of a successful marriage.
The boy certainly needs the guidance of a rebbe and, often, a therapist before
beginning shidduchim.
Unfortunately,
the young man’s internal experience is often overlooked or minimized. The
argument for minimizing his opinion is that he is too young or immature to
decide on marriage. I acknowledge that young (and older!) men certainly require
guidance from their parents and mentors and may see things inaccurately. It is
essential for anyone making major life decisions to seek advice from those
wiser than themselves. Yet the goal is to gain perspective, not to override
their own feelings. I have seen this core personal experience dismissed too
often, with serious consequences. These repercussions include resenting their
mentors, breaking off ties with them, and facing serious challenges in their
marriages.
Rav
Wolbe continues to explain that the above applies not only to the decision to
start dating but also to the decision to get engaged. This can be the most
important and far-reaching decision of a person’s life and must be made by the
individuals themselves. Rav Wolbe laments situations in which relatives,
mentors, or shadchanim pressure the individual to propose and get
married.
A
menahel told me that a certain individual was very grateful to him
concerning his marriage. The individual had been dating a girl, and everything
aligned – except that he did not feel any emotional connection to her. A mentor
told him to get married based on what made sense, not on his feelings – the
feelings would come with time. However, the aforementioned menahel got
involved and insisted that he may not marry someone to whom he feels no
connection. Ultimately, the young man ended the shidduch and later
married another girl with whom he truly connected. He credited the menahel
with saving him from an unhappy marriage.
This
aligns with Rav Wolbe’s insistence that only the individual can make decisions
about marriage. They must be honest with themselves and with their feelings
about whether this is truly the right person. Of course, biases can distort a
person’s perspective; this is where the parents’ or mentor’s role is vital. The
parents or mentor can challenge the individual’s biases and guide him toward
honesty and self-reflection, but they must never make the choice for him. Rav
Wolbe denounces this as “forbidden.”
Rav
Chaim Voloziner, in Ruach Chaim, teaches that one should seek advice but
then act according to personal wisdom. I believe Rav Wolbe’s perspective on
dating and marriage decisions reflects this balance. Guidance is essential, but
personal experience must weigh strongly. Although young people sometimes act
impulsively, with proper instruction, they can make responsible, authentic
decisions.
Rabbi Dovid Jaffee is a rebbe at Yeshiva Gedolah Ohr Hatorah, and a noted author and lecturer. He can be contacted at rabbijaffee@ygohrhatorah
