Bullying is a complicated topic, but since this is a parenting column, I’d like to focus on how parents can better understand these dynamics and raise children with greater sensitivity and awareness.
The default
explanation people often give, one I’ve seen in recent articles, is that a
bully is simply an insecure kid who, in order to make himself feel better, puts
someone else down. There is definitely some truth to that, but I want to share
another very important idea about bullying.
Many years ago, I was
driving in the car listening to sports radio. The sportscaster said that he had
been heavily bullied by “Michael” in sixth, seventh, and eighth grade, all
through middle school, and that he was going to call the actual bully live on
the air and confront him.
So he calls him
and says, “Michael, this is Dave. I’m a sportscaster now, and I just want to
let you know that I’ve been carrying this for many years. You bullied me
throughout middle school. You ruined my middle school years and really
traumatized me.”
And Michael
responded, “Dave, I’m really sorry. I think I remember you, but honestly, I
definitely don’t remember bullying you. But I’m really sorry.”
Listening to that
in the car, I was thinking, “This guy is lying. If you bullied somebody for
three years, how could you not remember it?”
Fast forward many
years later, and I had my own experience. Long story short: on my high school
WhatsApp group, we were discussing bullying, and one man private messaged me
and said, “I actually thought we were friends, but then you bullied me through
middle school. It really hurt, and it affected me.”
I remember sitting
there thinking, “I have absolutely no recollection of that.” Not because I
thought he was lying. I believed him. But I genuinely had no memory of saying
things that I thought were so hurtful. And suddenly I thought back to that
radio show from years earlier. Thinking about it a lot and working in a school
for 12 years, things clicked and made sense.
Bullying in the
Lunchroom
Imagine you have
three girls: Rachel, Sarah, and Rivka. They’re close friends. They’re popular.
They can’t wait to see each other every morning.
Then there’s Dina.
Dina walks into
class already feeling a little outside the group. She’s always trying to get in
with them. One morning she walks over excitedly and says, “Hey girls, I got new
shoes last night. What do you think?”
And Rivka casually
says, “Eh, they’re just plain,” and immediately turns back to talking to her
friends.
Now let’s
understand what just happened.
Dina feels
terrible. She was excited about her shoes. She put herself out there hoping
these girls would approve of her or include her, and instead she feels shut out
again.
But Rivka keeps
talking to her friends and doesn’t even register that she did anything wrong.
If I asked Rivka later that day, “Were you mean to anyone today?” she would
honestly say, “No. What do you mean? I just came to school and talked to my
friends.”
And I think this
is where a lot of bullying actually happens.
Not always in
dramatic moments. A lot of it happens in the small daily interactions.
All the girls are
sitting together at lunch talking, and Dina sits down and says, “Oh my gosh, I
love these snacks.”
And Rivka says, “Eew,
my mother would never buy that stuff. That’s gross.” Rivka giggles and goes
back to her conversation with the gals.
Or Dina says she
likes talking to her mother, who has a Russian accent. And Rivka says, “Oh my
gosh, if my mother had a Russian accent, I wouldn’t even be able to understand
her.”
These are not
necessarily terrible comments. But they are hurtful. And for the child who
already feels different, already feels excluded, those comments are like little
knives. They poke and poke and poke over time: during recess, in gym, at lunch,
in the hallway, when making groups in class.
And many times,
the child making the hurtful comments does not even fully realize the impact of
his or her words.
What Parents Can
Do
I think this is
very important for parents to understand because many kids involved in this
behavior do not see themselves as bullies. They don’t wake up in the morning
trying to ruin someone’s life. Often, they are immature, socially unaware,
caught up in their own friend group, trying to be funny, and simply not
thinking deeply about how the other child feels.
But I think that incidents
like these demand of us to rethink how we parent and how we educate our
children – because many children are being hurt – not by one massive traumatic
event but, rather, by a thousand small moments that everybody else forgets five
minutes later.
The kids who “have
it good” socially need to realize how much power their words carry. They need
to incorporate empathy. They need to hear over and over again from Mom and Dad
that a comment that feels small to them may sting another child for hours or days.
Role play, discuss scenarios, and revisit the topic weekly.
Lastly, I want to
end with a gentle point to Dina’s parents. Of course, we want to help the Dinas
of the world build resilience, learn how to absorb comments without being
crushed by them, find friends who feel safe and supportive, and feel
comfortable reaching out for help when needed. At the same time, we do not want
to dismiss their pain or minimize their concerns. We want to be their
advocates, helping them develop the skills and confidence to navigate difficult
social interactions while still feeling understood, validated, protected, and
supported.
Rabbi Akiva Sutofsky is a school therapist at Hillel Academy
of Pittsburgh and also maintains a private practice. His book, Parenting with a Plan, was released before Pesach and
includes haskamos from Rabbi Aharon Lopiansky and Rabbi Eli Reingold.
The book can be found in all local Jewish bookstores and online. Rabbi Sutofsky
can be reached at asutofsky@gmail.com or 832-338-9915.
