Dear Rabbi Beren,
I’m an elementary school teacher,
and a child in my class is having behavioral challenges: acting out in class,
calling out, etc. He is starting to be excluded and even bullied by the other
kids in class due to his behavior. I can tell that he has low self-esteem and a
weak self-concept, which I feel is at the root of some of his issues, but I
feel an urgency to focus on just fixing his negative behavior. What do you
recommend?
Rivka S.
*
* *
Rivka, that is an excellent
question, one that parents, rebbeim, and morahs face every single day: How much
does a child’s self-worth dictate their behavior, and how much should I focus
on building that self-worth vs addressing their behavior?
When a child acts out, struggles
with impulsivity, or misbehaves in some way, our instinct is to “stop the
bleeding.” We assume that if we fix the behavior first, the child will
eventually feel better about themselves. However, human emotions do not operate
on that logic. Of course, we need to assess their behavior and see what can be
done immediately to help curb it, but to really change a child’s trajectory, we
must flip the script and focus on building their self-worth and helping them
thrive.
The Thirst for Self-Worth
For a child to function in a healthy
way, he or she needs an underlying sense of purpose – a conviction that their
existence matters. When self-worth is low, the emotional core is starving. In
this “survival mode,” the child’s system perceives criticism – even the
constructive kind – as an attack, something that is blocking them from
achieving their core need. Their self-preservation kicks in, and they focus
only on things that will preserve their feeling of purpose.
To understand this, imagine a
person wandering the desert, dying of thirst. They need to spend all their
effort finding water to drink immediately. If someone came along and told them
that there was a way to get water but it would take two months of concentrated
effort, the person would reject it out of hand. They don’t need a tutorial;
they need a drink. Self-affirmation is that water. According to
Self-Affirmation Theory, when we affirm a child’s core value, their brain’s
stress response lowers, making them finally capable of taking responsibility
and changing their behavior. So how do we do this?
Step One: Discovering Unique
Greatness
The first step toward self-worth is
for the child to recognize that he or she has something uniquely special – not
just a physical talent but a core character trait. A child’s art, for example,
is not just a drawing; it is a manifestation of their compassion or their
ability to see beauty in the world. This message should come from an adult who
is close to the child, using their credibility and personal authority to back
up the message.
Parents are the primary “great
people” in a child’s life. Because a parent knows their child’s flaws better
than anyone, their praise carries the most weight. While ideally this comes
from the parent, a morah or rebbe can play this role as well.
Parents build this foundation by:
·
Praising inner greatness: Identifying traits that the child
knows, deep down, are true.
·
Tangible sacrifice: Investing time, money, or social capital into the
child’s talent. When a parent sacrifices resources, the child realizes their
value isn’t just “talk”; it is backed by action.
·
Accountability: If a parent diminishes a child’s value through anger
or neglect, they must model teshuva. A sincere apology and corrective
action prove to the child that their inherent value remains intact even when
the adult makes a mistake.
Step Two: Borrowing Credibility and
Social Integration
Self-worth cannot exist in a
vacuum; people need to feel that society values them. We all need to know that
we are “needed” – that we will find a spouse, a career, and a community, and
through those build a meaningful life. If a child feels unneeded, they spend
their lives trying to “fix” themselves rather than giving to others.
While parents provide the
foundation, rebbeim and morahs have a unique power to lend their social
credibility to a student.
·
The Buildup:
When a respected teacher genuinely praises a student from the bottom of their
heart, in front of the class, they are effectively transferring their own
worth. The other students feel that if their teacher sees such value in their
classmate, there must be something special for them to see as well.
·
Peer Acceptance: Because peer acceptance is a massive predictor of
self-esteem, this public validation shifts the entire classroom’s perception.
The student realizes: “My teacher believes I have a gift the world needs, and
my friends see it too.”
·
Consistency:
When a teacher follows up with small, consistent “buildups,” it solidifies the
child’s new identity.
This may feel a little discouraging
for those who missed getting this while they were growing up, but it can still
be accomplished; it just takes more effort. You can build yourself up by
yourself, or even better, by recognizing all that Hashem sees and values in
you. You must realize how special you are and spend time actively giving
yourself buildups, especially if someone else isn’t treating you the way you
deserve to be treated.
The Result: From “Broken” to “Better”
To circle back to Rivka’s initial
question, self-worth must be addressed before any deep changes can be made.
Short-term behavioral changes can sometimes be made, but for children to engage
in deep, meaningful change, they need the intrinsic motivation to do so. Once a
child feels worthwhile, they no longer need to be forced to behave and are open
to working on themselves. They stop viewing themselves as “broken things” that
need fixing and start viewing themselves as a great product that is simply
getting even better. By leading with self-worth, we provide the emotional
safety a child needs to choose growth for themselves.
Rabbi Beren is codirector of Reyus,
an organization dedicated to building up children to empower them to live with
confidence and joy. Their groundbreaking programs, Buildup and Camp Chaverim,
counteract and prevent the destructive consequences of bullying. To learn more,
go to reyus.org. If you have any bullying-related questions, please send them
to the Where What
When at adswww@aol.com for a response in a future column.
