Dear Rabbi Beren,
Last summer, I worked at a camp. My
seven-year-old sister was in my bunk, and there was one child in the bunk who
seemed to have it in for her. She constantly made fun of my sister and got the
other girls to join her and not allow my sister to play with them. She made my
sister cry, and every morning my sister would say she didn’t want to come to
camp. This bully made me very angry. I yelled at her a lot and didn’t treat her
nicely. I’ll be working in the same camp this summer. My sister will not be in
my bunk this time, but what if there’s another bully? When I mentioned it to
the camp director, she just said, “Oh, kids are kids,” so please don’t tell me
to go to the head of the camp. I feel bad that I didn’t know how to handle this
situation. Do you have any advice?
Malki
Hi Malki,
Thank you for having the courage to
send in this question. I am so sorry for what your sister went through last
summer. I know bullying hurts a lot, both the person being bullied and his or
her family. I am sure this was very hurtful for you to see happening. At the
same time, you are an amazing leader and sister for standing up for her.
In terms of your assessment of the
situation, it was spot on. The behavior you’ve described – constant social
exclusion and ridicule – was not at all okay. It was causing harm and
definitely needed to be addressed.
Here are the steps I have seen work
to address a situation like this, in this specific order: 1) You need to get
the harm to stop. 2) You need to heal the emotional harm done by the
aggressor(s) by having them apologize to the victim in a genuine, meaningful
way. 3) You need the victim to feel safe and protected that things are being
done to ensure this won’t happen again. And 4) you need to create a culture
where people appreciate both their own self-worth and that of others.
How do
you accomplish this? For
a child to be the constant target of ridicule and exclusion is a serious
situation. The person confronted by this situation needs to teach and inspire
the aggressor to have empathy and the courage to take responsibility. The head
of camp or another adult in a leadership role should take care of this, not
abandon the situation to a counselor, especially a younger one. In our Reyus sleep-away
camp, Camp Chaveirim, this most certainly would be dealt with either by one of
our directors or one of our head counselors.
I know you said that the camp
director was not helpful last time, so going to her isn’t an option. For all of
us, part of growing up and entering the work world involves learning how to
stand up for what’s right and learning when to trust your instincts.
Intervening with this child and addressing the situation is what camp directors
are supposed to do. It can feel uncomfortable pushing your opinion forward
against your boss, but do it with confidence, knowing that it’s the right thing
to do for your campers.
If that still doesn’t work, here
are some specific things you can do to get the harm to stop and help the
aggressor apologize in a genuine and meaningful way.
Since these children are young,
it’s unlikely that the bullying was driven by simple dislike; there was very
likely some sort of stimulus which drove the malicious intent. So, you need to
first figure out what that stimulus was. The cause may be something that you
have observed yourself, such as if your sister beat the other girl at a game or
said something to her that bothered her, etc. Once you consider the
possibilities, you should have a private talk with the child. Start by
developing rapport with her; let her know that you’re there to help her. Then
ask her how her relationship with your sister is going, mention that it seems
like something is bothering her, and assure her that she can tell you what it
is so that you can help make it better.
And then, be a good listener!
Don’t interrupt her; let her tell her full story and really try to understand
her perspective. Repeat what she told you in your own words to show her that
you understood her. This is an essential step which has been proven to create
trust between people.
From there, you can segue into the
next step. Build up this child by telling her how impressed you are with her,
that even though your sister bothers her, she’s still interested in taking care
of this in the right way.
Then comes inspiring and teaching
empathy. The best way to do this is to try to find a real-life example that
allows the child to visualize herself being in a similar situation as the
victim and to feel how hurtful it is.
Then let her know that your
sister’s feelings are really hurt and that it would help to make her feel
better if this child apologized to her. You want to make it very easy to
apologize, so let her know that there are two small things she can do to really
make things better. The first is to say it in a not-a-big-deal yet heartfelt
way, “I’m sorry for being mean/not talking nicely to you.” Those words, “not a big
deal,” are a fantastic way to help the aggressor see this is something she
really can do. You should help her find the right time and place to do this and
be there with her. The second is to do something nice that day for the child
she hurt to show she cares about her, even something as simple as saying hi or
sitting next to her.
Next is to make sure that the
victim feels safe and protected and that things are being done to ensure this
won’t happen again. If your sister did do something that triggered the bullying
behavior, you would say to the aggressor something like, “I would love to help
with this, so when it happens again, please tell me about it. If you just
insult or tease her, then others may join in, and it would embarrass and hurt
her a lot.” It's important you make sure that both girls feel supported.
Finally, in a genuine way, try to
build up each child in your bunk. Look for something that is truly unique and
special about each child in the bunk; get yourself to really see and appreciate
those things, and show the children in the bunk how that beautiful aspect of
each person makes the whole bunk a better place.
These are very hard situations to
navigate, even for adults, but you’ve already taken a big step by talking to
your director and sending us your question to get assistance with it. You
should be proud of yourself! Enjoy the summer – I know you’ll do great!
Rabbi Beren is co-director of Reyus, an organization
dedicated to building up children to empower them to live with confidence and
joy. Their groundbreaking programs, Buildup and Camp Chaverim, counteract and
prevent the destructive consequences of bullying. To learn more, go to
reyus.org. If you have any bullying-related questions, please send them to the Where
What When at adswww@aol.com for a
response in a future column.
