We’ve all heard about the recent initiative from our rabbanim aimed at addressing the imbalance in the number of boys and girls seeking shidduchim. The suggestion is for boys to begin dating earlier, while girls would wait until a year after returning from seminary to start dating.
As with many things, Baltimore may
be a bit “late to the party” – or perhaps we’re simply not looking for an
invitation at all. For now, no such initiative has been enacted by our local rabbanim.
Still, if it eventually becomes a psak or if enough people adopt it, it
will certainly affect our children in Baltimore.
With that in mind, we reached out
to a cross-section of our community – shadchanim, parents who have been
through the process, parents just starting out, and singles themselves. We
asked them:
·
How do you feel about
this initiative?
·
Do you plan to follow
it?
·
From your experience,
are girls and their parents in Baltimore generally following this guideline?
Here is a sampling of their perspectives.
* * *
From Liz Rothstein, community mother whose child has
begun the process.
“I am not supportive of the
initiative. I don’t think it’s wise to make blanket statements
and agendas about large groups of people, such as this group
should date earlier and
this group should date later, especially based on something
like gender. Each person is
an individual with his or her own personality, preferences,
needs, and wants.
“In addition, people mature and
grow at their own rate. I think we are doing a disservice to our young men and
women by clumping them all together by gender and expecting them all
to follow the same guidelines for dating start times.
“My children will start dating
based on factors related to their own internal measurements and not based on a
uniform guideline set by the greater frum society. I don’t ask others if
their children are following these guidelines because the parsha of shidduchim
is a private matter and I respect my community members’ privacy.”
* * *
From an anonymous community mother whose child has not
yet begun the process.
“I’m in favor of girls waiting.
That first year back is precious. It’s a girl’s time to settle back into home
life, adjust to real-life schedules, and figure out what her days will look
like outside the unique bubble of seminary. It’s a chance to let all the
beautiful lessons learned sink in and become part of who she is – not just
ideas in her head.
“When dating, girls are not just
looking for someone who fits who she is today; she’s looking for someone who
will fit the person she’s becoming. Taking a year helps her grow into that
woman with more clarity about what she wants and needs.
“It also lets her set herself up
practically – whether that’s starting school, finding a job, or simply learning
how to manage her time and responsibilities. That means things like learning
how to bank and write checks, taking care of a car and insurance, etc., so that
when she does start dating, she’s ready to build a home with confidence and
stability.
“And maybe most importantly, that
year gives her the space to enjoy this special stage of life, surrounded by
family and friends who love her and want to support her when the time comes.
Her zivug is not going anywhere. But the opportunity to grow peacefully
into the next stage – without rushing – is a gift she can only give herself
once.
* * *
From Chana Leba Klainberg, just back from seminary.
“I just got back from seminary,
and honestly, towards the beginning of the year it felt like almost every
Shabbos meal I went to include the same question: ‘So, are you following the
girls’ freezer?’
“I can’t speak for everyone, but I
know for myself that the first few months back after a year in Eretz Yisrael
are overwhelming and stressful enough on their own. Adjusting to being home,
getting back into school or work, and finding a new balance takes time. I can’t
imagine starting the whole process of running to shadchanim right away
on top of that.
“I don’t know if it’s accurate to
say that I’m “following the initiative” so much as it is that I’m simply not
ready yet. Readiness really varies from person to person. For girls, those
first few months are a huge transition. And for boys, there’s also a reason
they’re in yeshiva longer; sending them home earlier might help a little with
the numbers, but the truth is that many of them are simply not ready to get
married yet.
“I also think it’s important to
distinguish between active dating and passive dating. Actively dating means
sending resumés everywhere and meeting with half a dozen shadchanim. That’s
something I believe can and should be delayed, because it gives girls a chance
to settle, mature, and prepare themselves without unnecessary pressure. But at
the same time, if the right person is suggested and it feels like the right
opportunity, I don’t think it should be pushed aside just because of the new takanah.
“In the end, it’s not about rules
or labels. It’s about being honest with yourself, knowing when you’re truly
ready, and trusting that Hashem will guide the process in the right time.”
* * *
From Keren Traub, shadchan and dating coach
“I believe the answer really
depends on each girl as an individual. The most important question for a girl
to ask herself is: Am I truly ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage
– and, possibly, motherhood – within the next year? For some, the answer is
yes, but for many, the extra time is invaluable.
“In my experience, I’ve seen girls
come back from dates and say, ‘I’m not really ready for a relationship right
now.’ Far from being a weakness, I view that as a sign of maturity. There is
great value in using that year to grow – whether through school, work, building
stronger family relationships, or simply developing the personal maturity
needed for marriage.
“Of course, some girls are ready
earlier, and if so, they can and should be dating. But in general, girls often
face greater expectations: to finish school, help support the household, and in
many cases carry the bulk of the financial responsibility in their marriage.
Adding the possibility of pregnancy on top of that makes the transition into
marriage a very serious challenge. That’s why I believe waiting a bit longer
can be healthy and wise for many girls. And we shouldn’t forget that Hashem is
guiding this process; no one ‘loses their bashert’ by waiting. In fact,
when girls are more established with their education and career paths, they
often become even more sought after by mothers of boys who value that
stability.
“As for boys starting earlier,
that can help address the imbalance of numbers, but the same principle applies:
Readiness matters. What’s most important is that both boys and girls enter
dating with the maturity and responsibility needed to build a successful
marriage.”
* * *
From Gitti Horowitz, Bais Yaakov Middle School principal
and shidduch mentor.
“I want to begin by saying that
I’m not a professional shadchan, though I do try to redt shidduchim
and offer mentoring whenever I can. Most of the girls I work with are a bit
older and have been dating for some time, so my perspective may be somewhat
different.
“From what I’ve observed, the
reality is that most girls are not waiting a full year before starting to date.
If a shidduch is suggested and it looks like it has real potential, they
are often willing to go out, even very soon after returning from seminary. In
other words, the decision is less about following a set rule and more about
whether the opportunity makes sense at the time.
“On a personal level, I don’t
believe that waiting – or not waiting – will solve the underlying problem. The
challenge we face is primarily a numbers issue. There are simply fewer boys
available in the system. While girls tend to stay within the framework of shidduchim
more consistently, boys sometimes leave earlier or take different paths, and
this creates the imbalance we see.
“That’s why, while the idea of
having girls wait a year and boys start earlier may help in theory, I don’t
think it addresses the core of the problem. The reality is that each girl’s
readiness is individual. Some truly are ready to date soon after seminary,
while others benefit from waiting and using that time to mature personally,
academically, and spiritually. What’s most important is that the decision be
made thoughtfully, with guidance from parents and mentors, and with an eye
toward the girl’s overall well-being and long-term success in building a strong
marriage.”
* * *
To sum up, it seems clear from
these various perspectives that most feel that waiting is in many cases
advantageous and will not harm the girls in the long run. At the same time, girls
who feel ready – or who wish to begin dating immediately after returning from
seminary – certainly can and should.
Unless and until Baltimore rabbanim
formally address this initiative, it seems that nothing will change here for
now. The decision of whether to wait or to begin dating earlier will remain a
personal one, made thoughtfully in consultation with parents, rabbanim,
teachers, and mentors.
It will be interesting to see whether this initiative
ultimately takes hold and if it proves helpful. At the end of the day, everyone’s
true motivation is the same: to help our singles find their bashert. And
so, we continue to daven that Hashem guide us and help bring each boy and girl
to their rightful match, at the right time.
