Dear Rochelle,
I am
disturbed by the rites of the engagement period which include more and more
expensive presents to the chassan and the kallah. This puts a lot
of pressure on the families who do not have the money and do not want to go
into debt but do not want their chassan or kallah to get less
than everyone else. I think our
community should encourage the chassanim and kallos themselves to
protest this trend and tell their families that they do not need so many
expensive presents. They are the only ones who can do this honestly.
Of course, this will not solve everyone’s problem, but it will solve
the problem of each family that participates in such an initiative. And
once it
becomes more common, we can start a revolution and take the pressure off the
families of newly engaged couples. What do you think?
Contemplating a
Chasana
Dear Contemplating,
What do I think? I think if I
answer this question honestly, I might get stoned! This is a powder keg of a
question but definitely one that hundreds of parents ask whenever they are
fortunate enough to be making a wedding. You are not alone – just brave enough
to speak out!
I remember when my oldest son
became a chassan and I told my
husband that we needed to buy our new kallah
a diamond bracelet. He looked at me in disbelief and said, “You don’t own a diamond bracelet!” I
merely turned to him and smiled. To my utter shock, when my husband went to the
jeweler, he bought not one but two diamond bracelets, one for our new
daughter-in-law and one for me! I married a prince! His logic was simple: We
couldn’t afford one, so why not buy two! How can you argue with that? At sheva brachos, when he got up to speak,
he thanked American Express and Visa for making this wedding possible. I tell
no lies! As I said, I married a prince and a funny one to boot.
Back to your question: I agree
100% with your sentiment. But I have no power to change the world. And frankly,
I’m not that smart! So I’m wondering why you addressed this huge problem to me.
But since you have, these are the things I would never say but deeply feel are true. Perhaps placing them in a
light-hearted letter will soften the sentiment.
* * *
Dear Friends,
After marrying
off all of our children (bli ayin hara),
I’ve had time to reflect on some of the beautiful minhagim surrounding our simchas – especially the gifts exchanged
between families.
Let me be
honest: The desire to give big, impressive gifts is real. We want to show love,
support, and kavod. But somewhere
along the way, this custom of exchanging gifts seems to have taken on a life of
its own. The watches have gotten flashier, the jewelry glitzier, and the price
tags can be blinding. And the pressure that comes with it? It’s truly a lot – for
most of us. And while I absolutely believe in giving with heart, I also believe
in giving with seichel and peace of
mind.
Here’s what
I’ve learned from my own experience:
·
Simple is okay: Meaningful doesn’t have to mean expensive.
·
Our young couples need
stability, not luxury: Rent,
appliances, even a good set of linens often go further than a trendy necklace
with a hefty price tag.
·
Our children will need more meaningful help with the
coming years: a down payment on a home, help
with tuition, a sudden roof repair or hot water heater.
·
More of us need to choose
sensibly: When one family chooses wisely, it gives others permission
to do the same.
This isn’t a
criticism; it’s just a quiet encouragement from someone who’s been through it.
You can give with love and still sleep at night without worrying about
the credit card bill. I’m not trying to change the world, but maybe we can help
ease the pressure, one simcha at a time.
Wishing you
all nachas, mazal, bracha, yeshuos,
and many happy, affordable simchos.
