Question:
I got a call from my sister-in-law, who had a wonderful idea for my son.
She works with the girl at Bais Yaakov and has gotten to know her well. I did
some research on the girl and am very impressed by what I hear. I called
our shadchan to ask her opinion about the girl’s qualities and
whether she thinks the shidduch is appropriate. The shadchan enthusiastically
replied that she thinks it is a fantastic idea and she'd be happy to redt it!
Now I am in a pickle. On one hand, my sister-in-law knows both the girl
and my son very well, so it may be more beneficial for her to handle the shidduch.
The girl will trust her, and so we will get more honest feedback after dates.
My son will also feel comfortable talking openly to his aunt.
On the other hand, we have been dealing with this shadchan for
a long time. She made the shidduch for one of our children and
has helped us with our other children. I value my relationship with her. She
also has years of experience while my sister-in-law has never redt a shidduch.
Of course, my relationship with my sister-in-law is very important as well. Do
I owe it to her to let her handle the shidduch because it was
originally her idea? How do I handle this delicate situation?
Response:
Thank you for reaching out. Believe it or not,
this situation comes up all the time. I’d even venture to say that close to half of
all shidduchim start with a suggestion from a friend or relative and
then end up being handled by a professional shadchan.
Why? Because most people don’t actually want to
be involved in the back-and-forth, the time commitment, the responsibility, and
the stickiness that is involved in a shidduch. And things do get
sticky – often! So, people make a suggestion and then happily hand it off to
the professional. That way, if it falls apart, they had nothing to do with it.
And if it works out, they can take credit for a “brilliant” idea.
Your dilemma is very real. On one hand, your
sister-in-law knows both your son and the girl well. The girl trusts her, and
your son feels comfortable with her too. So yes, that can be incredibly
helpful. There’s something reassuring about having a caring family member who
knows the personalities involved and can offer honest feedback.
Nevertheless, here’s my honest opinion – though
people might disagree with me. I strongly believe it is generally not a good
idea to have a relative serve as the official shadchan. It’s just too
difficult for a family member to stay objective, and objectivity is essential
for a go-between. Sensitive issues come up. Sometimes one side is very
interested, and the other is… not. Conveying that kind of news is painful for
someone who loves you and knows how much it will hurt you. A shadchan,
even though she herself feels bad delivering uncomfortable messages, has
experience (hopefully!) and knows how to handle things with appropriate
sensitivity.
That said, your sister-in-law can absolutely
remain involved – if all parties agree. She can be a trusted support person for
your son and for her colleague, giving each side someone warm, caring, and
familiar to confide in. Think of her as a mini “dating coach,” without the
pressure of being the actual shadchan.
This exact scenario happens to me constantly.
Someone will call with an idea and ask me to redt it for them. I always
make sure the other side knows who originally suggested the idea. And
halachically, if the shidduch works, the
person who had the idea shares in the shadchanus along with the shadchan.
For the precise breakdown, consult your rav.
Wishing you much hatzlacha with this shidduch
– no matter who ends up being the shadchan. And to everyone else out
there reading this: Go suggest a shidduch! Klal Yisrael needs
your help!!
