Dear Rabbi Beren,
I’ve had children, both boys and
girls, go through mainstream Jewish schools; some were bullied, some not. What I’ve
seen is that when a child is bullied and perceived negatively, that perception
becomes very powerful. You can’t just change one person’s mind; you have to
change how a whole group thinks. How is it possible to shift a perception that
so many people share and that seems completely set in stone?
Dovid
Dear
Dovid,
Thank you so much for the question.
You’re raising a very real and very important point. It is hard. And
it’s exactly one of the central challenges our program at Reyus is built to
address. Once bullying sets in, the work needed to correct it intensifies, which
is why our program is designed to be proactive, not only reactive. But I
have good news: Not only is it possible to change these situations, it’s
possible to do it so thoroughly that the class actually forgets things were
ever different. The same child who was excluded or made fun of becomes a
beloved member of the class or grade. It sounds counterintuitive, but I can say
this with complete confidence because I’ve seen it over and over again.
When a class returns to a state of achdus
– real unity – it often feels like a return to its natural state. Think of it as
resetting a musical instrument that had slowly gone out of tune. At first,
something sounds off, but you can’t identify what. But once you tighten the
strings and restore the harmony, the music becomes so smooth and natural that
you can’t even remember how off-key it once sounded. The earlier dissonance
feels like the exception; the harmony feels like the norm. That’s what happens
socially, too. When unity is rebuilt correctly, it becomes the new “normal,”
and the old negativity fades as if it never belonged there.
The
Power of Repairing Relationships
Hashem gave us the gift of mechila
– of asking for and granting forgiveness. When done sincerely, an apology holds
enormous power to repair what was broken. And the same is true in the
classroom. If someone can pull a child down publicly, they can also lift that
child up publicly. The dynamic works both ways. Just as lashon hara
can spread from one child to another, so can lashon tov. In our
Buildup program, when I share something positive that one student says about
another, I introduce it as lashon tov, and it spreads. It moves
from one child to the next, reshaping perception in a real and lasting way.
Let me illustrate this with a
couple of real-life stories.
There was a boy who often came late, was excluded from
recess, and was generally looked down on by his peers. He was being bullied and
socially dismissed. His rebbe began to look for what lashon tov
he could use to shift his students’ perception of him, and he found it: the
boy’s smile. More than just a smile, it was the way he used it. With a quick
grin and a kind word, he consistently lifted up the people around him.
One morning, the rebbe walked into class and said
something along these lines:
Boys, I had a big project last
night. I was up until 4 a.m. finishing it, and I came in this morning
exhausted. I davened that I’d have the ko’ach to teach you the way you deserve. Right
before class started, “Moshe” greeted me with his signature smile, and it
genuinely made my day. It gave me the spark of energy I needed. I see him do
this not only with me but with all of you – lifting people, showing
appreciation, bringing in a real ru’ach tov. I want to thank you, Moshe,
for being that kind of student.
This moment became the catalyst. It
pressed “delete” on the old perception and rewrote it with something new and
beautiful.
Meanwhile, the school’s social worker worked with the
boys who had been the source of the bullying. He built rapport, helped them
understand the impact of their behavior, and guided them toward empathy. They
ended up apologizing beautifully and sincerely. And the entire situation turned
around.
The
Girl Who Spoke too Bluntly
In another school, there was a girl
who was very blunt. She didn’t mean harm, but her words sometimes came out
sharply, and other girls took offense. They responded by calling her out
publicly whenever she “messed up,” thinking they were helping, but they were
actually causing tremendous pain. It even led to school refusal.
We were able to identify a
particular talent the girl had: She was extremely skilled in a specific craft.
Her teachers celebrated this and encouraged her to create things she could
share with others, something beautiful for her classmates to enjoy. They also
met individually with each girl who struggled with her, helping them understand
where her bluntness came from and why patience was needed. This all took place
at the end of the year, when attitudes are usually cemented and change is tough,
but we were still able to shift the entire class’s perception of her. Completely.
This story is the perfect answer to
your question. It shows that it’s never too late, and things are never too set
to make a meaningful change.
Two
core components work together:
First,
using the influence of teachers and key adults, we deliberately broadcast and
spread lashon tov about the child. This has to be something
genuine, unique, and impactful. It must be chosen carefully for it to resonate.
Second,
we combine this with the “clean-out” process. We work directly with the
children who contributed to the negative environment, helping them understand
their impact, realign their thinking, and change their approach.
When
these elements come together, perception shifts. And when perception shifts,
relationships shift.
When
the right actions are taken with the right balance – proactive Buildup
alongside reactive repair – real change becomes possible, even in situations
that seem tough or unmovable. There is always a way forward, and it is never
too late.
Rabbi Beren is codirector of Reyus, an organization
dedicated to building up children to empower them to live with confidence and
joy. Their groundbreaking programs, Buildup and Camp Chaverim, counteract and
prevent the destructive consequences of bullying. To learn more, go to
reyus.org. If you have any bullying-related questions, please send them to the Where What When at
adswww@aol.com for a response in a future column.
