Dear Dr. Kidorf,

Recently, I was talking to my friend about the recent law making marijuana legal for 21-year-olds. She said, “So what? It’s not worse than alcohol. If we don’t outlaw alcohol, why should we outlaw marijuana?” To me, this is a ridiculous statement. As a parent of middle- and high-school-age children, I am very concerned about what this means for my children and the children of the community. As if alcohol were not bad enough, what’s to stop teens from using it? What’s to stop them from driving “drunk”? What about peer pressure, addiction, and the long-term consequences for their mental and brain health? It could even happen that small kids will consume marijuana unknowingly in the form of brownies, candy, or even pizza! The horrific possibilities just blow my mind. I even worry about my married children and their kids, who are dealing with marijuana smoke from someone else in their building.

I don’t even know how to start to process this change. I never thought that I would have to have this conversation with my kids. In summary, what should we parents be thinking about regarding this law and how should we talk to our children about it?

Dear Dr. Kidorf,

I have been reading your articles in the WWW with great interest. I am a bachur who is of legal drinking age. I went to a shul for Simchas Torah, where the rule was that everyone had to bring their own bottle of alcohol. Not only did people bring their own bottles, but they brought fancy stuff that cost, at a minimum, 50 dollars a bottle (and that’s the low end). In your previous articles, you mentioned the drop in IQ points for drinking under 25, and I don’t want to damage my brain. (I am rather proud of my IQ.) However, what am I supposed to do when I want to get together with my friends for all these occasions, such as weddings, and, actually, almost every Shabbos? I want to fit in and am not willing to be the odd guy out. I am having trouble bridging the points you have made in the past with “real life.” Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

Dear Dr. Kidorf,

My family and I have become fans and fervent readers of this column, and it has provided very thoughtful conversations at our Shabbos table. Last month, someone asked about whether they should talk to their son about drinking as they were not a “drinking” family. This hit home for me because I have a similar concern. Sukkos and Simchas Torah are quickly approaching. This time of the year concerns me because there is so much drinking everywhere that it has become part of the Jewish culture. I have been to many shuls where I see men pouring drinks and passing them around. It is so easy for a young boy or girl to pick up one of these drinks without anyone really knowing.

Dear Dr. Kidorf,

Our son is starting high school this fall in an out-of-town yeshiva. As I have been reading in the Where What When about the issue of teen drinking and how important it is to talk to your children about it, I am realizing that we never had “the conversation.” I’m pretty sure that the topic has not been presented by his school either. No one in our family is a drinker, and it just never came up. We do have several bottles of whisky, etc., stored on a shelf somewhere that we bring out for Purim and family simchas. In fact, we bought most of those bottles for this boy’s bris! This son is a normal kid and a good student, and I like to think that all our children are being brought up in a wholesome – some might say old-fashioned – environment. While we never felt the need to discuss drinking (or smoking, vaping, and other behaviors that teens might be exposed to), I’m wondering if we should. My friend told me that not giving kids information and direction is like letting your five-year-old cross Park Heights. Is such a discussion a one-size-fits-all imperative, or can each family decide according to their own situation? Should we initiate a conversation on this subject now, before our son gets to yeshiva, or wait until he brings it up? And finally, how should the discussion go?

Response:

Dear Dr. Kidorf

Our 14-year-old son, from the time he was small, has always been interested in the latest and greatest toys and attractions. Unfortunately, as he grows, the attractions have moved from cool footballs to hoverboards and electric scooters to, most recently, vaping. We have made our thoughts and feelings about vaping clear. We have watched graphic videos about the dangers of vaping-related illnesses and injuries. We have warned him about the consequences if we should ever find him with a vape. And then we found out he was vaping (purchased from another boy at a local shul). We took the vapes away, followed through with the consequences that had been threatened, and reviewed the dangers. He doesn’t seem remorseful and, if he ever gets angry about something, threatens to buy more vapes. 

Dear Dr. Kidorf

I have two young teenage sons as well as younger children. On Shabbos, they go to shul with their father. On the way home, my husband stops at a few different homes to shmooze and make a lechaim. The boys just talk to their friends, if any of them are around, and wait until he’s ready to go home. My husband never gets drunk, just a little “happy,” and we proceed with kiddush, where everyone in the family gets wine.

 One night last week, I went out and came back earlier than expected. I walked into the living room and saw my two boys having a little lechaim. I was rather shocked and asked them what they were doing. They answered, “Nothing, we’re just trying it.”