Page 64 - issue
P. 64
cons of overindulgence. In theory, hav- “While you thought your approach of ignoring some
ing grandparents in town is a dream
come true, and many people long for painful or interfering remarks was working, it actually
the ongoing, in-the-moment connec- worked against you in a few ways: It caused your wife
tion to the next generation.
to feel countermanded and angry, and it wasn’t
The dream can become a night- ”good for your children to see your way being criticized.
mare, though, when expectations col-
lide with reality and nobody confronts crossed. You and your wife will need to manded and angry, and it wasn’t good
that collision – until it forces itself decide exactly what those boundaries for your children to see your way being
upon them, as in your case. Your moth- are and how you define crossing the criticized. The kids need to know that
er’s outspokenness and “opinionated
ways” are not new to the current situa- boundaries and undercutting your par- decisions come from the two of you and
tion, and while you are “used to it,” as
you say, the criticism has clearly been enting. When you meet with your par- are not subject to review. We’re all famil-
causing a buildup of tension for your
wife. Ideally, these behaviors can be ents, tell them that you love and iar with the saying that grandparents
dealt with from the time the grandchil-
dren start arriving; still, I think there are respect them, that you want them to be and grandchildren get along so well
things you can do to ensure a better
relationship on all sides. part of your lives and the lives of your “because they have a common enemy,”
First and foremost, your job is to children. The message is, “We have love but we don’t really want to live that way!
support your wife. It’s important that
you do not dismiss her feelings or try to and respect for you and we have For grandparents, the best method
convince her that she can just take the
criticism with “a grain of salt” or simply boundaries that will protect our rela- is to be helpful, not intrusive; support-
nod and then do what she wants, as
you do. Whether it feels that way to you tionship and make it work.” The soon- ive, not judgmental; and to trust your
is not the point here: Your wife needs to
know that you support her and take er you take care of this, the sooner your children, even when you don’t agree
her feelings into consideration.
relationship can get back – not to completely. See something? Say noth-
The second step is for you and your
wife to realize that the grandparents where it was but to a better place. It’s ing! If there is something major that
mean well. They don’t wake up in the
morning thinking that today they will all right if your parents feel a bit con- grandparents feel needs to be
undercut your parenting and interfere
in your lives. They want the best for strained at first. It’s a learning experi- addressed, it should not be said in front
you, even if they don’t know quite how
to deliver that. ence for everybody involved and worth of the children. And probably the worst
The third part is the toughest, of the lesson. time to offer advice is when the chil-
course. It’s time to share your thoughts
about boundaries and how you plan to Have a few lines ready for the dren are misbehaving. That’s a great
respond when those boundaries are
inevitable times when your parents slip time for sympathy, not criticism.
up. Instead of ignoring your mother’s Please keep in mind that this is a
criticism, you can say, “I appreciate your wonderful challenge to have, and it’s
thinking and I’m okay with my way.” Or worth a lot of thinking and sensitivity to
simply say, “Stay with me on this one, create an atmosphere of love and
please.” While you thought your acceptance for all the generations.
approach of ignoring some painful or Hashem should continue to bless your
interfering remarks was working, it parents with grandchildren with whom
actually worked against you in a few they have a deep, abiding relationship –
ways: It caused your wife to feel counter- and you can help make that happen. ◆
56 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
ing grandparents in town is a dream
come true, and many people long for painful or interfering remarks was working, it actually
the ongoing, in-the-moment connec- worked against you in a few ways: It caused your wife
tion to the next generation.
to feel countermanded and angry, and it wasn’t
The dream can become a night- ”good for your children to see your way being criticized.
mare, though, when expectations col-
lide with reality and nobody confronts crossed. You and your wife will need to manded and angry, and it wasn’t good
that collision – until it forces itself decide exactly what those boundaries for your children to see your way being
upon them, as in your case. Your moth- are and how you define crossing the criticized. The kids need to know that
er’s outspokenness and “opinionated
ways” are not new to the current situa- boundaries and undercutting your par- decisions come from the two of you and
tion, and while you are “used to it,” as
you say, the criticism has clearly been enting. When you meet with your par- are not subject to review. We’re all famil-
causing a buildup of tension for your
wife. Ideally, these behaviors can be ents, tell them that you love and iar with the saying that grandparents
dealt with from the time the grandchil-
dren start arriving; still, I think there are respect them, that you want them to be and grandchildren get along so well
things you can do to ensure a better
relationship on all sides. part of your lives and the lives of your “because they have a common enemy,”
First and foremost, your job is to children. The message is, “We have love but we don’t really want to live that way!
support your wife. It’s important that
you do not dismiss her feelings or try to and respect for you and we have For grandparents, the best method
convince her that she can just take the
criticism with “a grain of salt” or simply boundaries that will protect our rela- is to be helpful, not intrusive; support-
nod and then do what she wants, as
you do. Whether it feels that way to you tionship and make it work.” The soon- ive, not judgmental; and to trust your
is not the point here: Your wife needs to
know that you support her and take er you take care of this, the sooner your children, even when you don’t agree
her feelings into consideration.
relationship can get back – not to completely. See something? Say noth-
The second step is for you and your
wife to realize that the grandparents where it was but to a better place. It’s ing! If there is something major that
mean well. They don’t wake up in the
morning thinking that today they will all right if your parents feel a bit con- grandparents feel needs to be
undercut your parenting and interfere
in your lives. They want the best for strained at first. It’s a learning experi- addressed, it should not be said in front
you, even if they don’t know quite how
to deliver that. ence for everybody involved and worth of the children. And probably the worst
The third part is the toughest, of the lesson. time to offer advice is when the chil-
course. It’s time to share your thoughts
about boundaries and how you plan to Have a few lines ready for the dren are misbehaving. That’s a great
respond when those boundaries are
inevitable times when your parents slip time for sympathy, not criticism.
up. Instead of ignoring your mother’s Please keep in mind that this is a
criticism, you can say, “I appreciate your wonderful challenge to have, and it’s
thinking and I’m okay with my way.” Or worth a lot of thinking and sensitivity to
simply say, “Stay with me on this one, create an atmosphere of love and
please.” While you thought your acceptance for all the generations.
approach of ignoring some painful or Hashem should continue to bless your
interfering remarks was working, it parents with grandchildren with whom
actually worked against you in a few they have a deep, abiding relationship –
ways: It caused your wife to feel counter- and you can help make that happen. ◆
56 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
