Page 103 - issue
P. 103
Teens and Purim DAVID J. COHEN ©WWW
that conveys the message that alcohol use is funny or excit- Private Investigator
ing. (Understand that the media and peers portray alcohol in
glamorous ways); and e) never drink and drive or ride in a car DJC Investigative Group
with a driver who has been drinking.
Licensed And Bonded - NY • Licensed - Maryland
2) Agree to disagree: Teens have a hard time listening to
their parents. Many times, parents will give their children Specializing in Civil and
advice and are annoyed when they don’t listen. It is even Criminal Investigations
more frustrating when their child’s friend or mentor gives the
exact same advice and he or she listens readily. Cell Phone: 917-301-0430
E-mail: djc@djcinvestigativegroup.com
Our teens can hear us if we can deliver the message in a
kind and diplomatic way. We need to let our children know www.djcinvestigativegroup.com
our values in a way that does not demean them. Jim Fay,
author of Love and Logic, encourages parents to agree to
disagree. When a child says something that goes against our
values, rules, or better judgment, like “Drinking is no big deal.
I can handle it!” we can say: “I am glad you told me your
thoughts and feelings about drinking. I am glad you feel like
you can handle it. But I am concerned that drinking is illegal
under 21 years of age. And I don’t agree that drinking is no
big deal.”
In this way, our true message – drinking is illegal under 21
and it is a big deal – is couched by respectful language, so
that our teens can truly hear it. It is a kind and gentle way to
help our teens understand our values and rules.
3) Talk about yourself and take little opportunities to talk:
Many times, our conversations with our teens end up in
anger. Our teens can push our buttons. Why? Because they
need to test their independence, and in order to do that, they
need to push us away. In a normal bid to grow to be healthy
adults, teens need to reject what parents say so that they can
define and refine their sense of self. Their egos are fragile,
and they are overly sensitive as they navigate this tough time
in their life.
It is difficult for parents to watch their teens grow up,
make their own decisions (sometimes not very smart ones),
and struggle for their independence. In their frustration, par-
ents often use language that rankles teens, putting them in a
position where they need to defend themselves and their
decisions. Parent might say: “You better not do anything stu-
pid when it comes to drinking! You need to pick a better
group of friends!”
To avoid placing our teens in a corner, where the only
recourse is to fight back, we want to talk about ourselves,
using “I” messages: “I don’t like to read about kids drinking
themselves sick” or “I get upset when kids use drinking to
feel cool; I wish they could find other things to do that would
help them feel good about themselves.”
We also don’t want to lecture. There is nothing a teen
hates more than when a parent gets on a soapbox. Instead,
it is better if we take little opportunities to talk when things
are calm, when we are reading the newspaper, watching TV,
or when we witness another person engaging in unsafe
behaviors: For example, when reading the newspaper, we
u 410 358 8509 u 95
that conveys the message that alcohol use is funny or excit- Private Investigator
ing. (Understand that the media and peers portray alcohol in
glamorous ways); and e) never drink and drive or ride in a car DJC Investigative Group
with a driver who has been drinking.
Licensed And Bonded - NY • Licensed - Maryland
2) Agree to disagree: Teens have a hard time listening to
their parents. Many times, parents will give their children Specializing in Civil and
advice and are annoyed when they don’t listen. It is even Criminal Investigations
more frustrating when their child’s friend or mentor gives the
exact same advice and he or she listens readily. Cell Phone: 917-301-0430
E-mail: djc@djcinvestigativegroup.com
Our teens can hear us if we can deliver the message in a
kind and diplomatic way. We need to let our children know www.djcinvestigativegroup.com
our values in a way that does not demean them. Jim Fay,
author of Love and Logic, encourages parents to agree to
disagree. When a child says something that goes against our
values, rules, or better judgment, like “Drinking is no big deal.
I can handle it!” we can say: “I am glad you told me your
thoughts and feelings about drinking. I am glad you feel like
you can handle it. But I am concerned that drinking is illegal
under 21 years of age. And I don’t agree that drinking is no
big deal.”
In this way, our true message – drinking is illegal under 21
and it is a big deal – is couched by respectful language, so
that our teens can truly hear it. It is a kind and gentle way to
help our teens understand our values and rules.
3) Talk about yourself and take little opportunities to talk:
Many times, our conversations with our teens end up in
anger. Our teens can push our buttons. Why? Because they
need to test their independence, and in order to do that, they
need to push us away. In a normal bid to grow to be healthy
adults, teens need to reject what parents say so that they can
define and refine their sense of self. Their egos are fragile,
and they are overly sensitive as they navigate this tough time
in their life.
It is difficult for parents to watch their teens grow up,
make their own decisions (sometimes not very smart ones),
and struggle for their independence. In their frustration, par-
ents often use language that rankles teens, putting them in a
position where they need to defend themselves and their
decisions. Parent might say: “You better not do anything stu-
pid when it comes to drinking! You need to pick a better
group of friends!”
To avoid placing our teens in a corner, where the only
recourse is to fight back, we want to talk about ourselves,
using “I” messages: “I don’t like to read about kids drinking
themselves sick” or “I get upset when kids use drinking to
feel cool; I wish they could find other things to do that would
help them feel good about themselves.”
We also don’t want to lecture. There is nothing a teen
hates more than when a parent gets on a soapbox. Instead,
it is better if we take little opportunities to talk when things
are calm, when we are reading the newspaper, watching TV,
or when we witness another person engaging in unsafe
behaviors: For example, when reading the newspaper, we
u 410 358 8509 u 95
