Dear Parent,
As we head back to school for
another year – with both excitement and worry – I would like to share the
excitement and suggest some tips to alleviate the worries for both you and your
child. Whether your child is entering school for the first time or you are an
experienced parent in the school system, it’s always good to jumpstart a
new year into a positive learning experience.
If you are a newbie, I wish you a mazal
tov! This is a very special milestone for your child to learn Hashem’s
Torah and about His world. For you as a parent, V’shinantam l’vanecha –
you shall teach them to your children – is a concept that comes alive, an
awesome opportunity. It should not be taken for granted that we can learn Torah
freely in today’s day and age! If you are already inducted into the school
system, I wish you a fresh start to another year of growth and
self-development, especially if it hasn’t been that way in the past.
Here are some tips I have gleaned
over my 20-plus years in education to help make this chinuch journey a
little easier. There will be bumps on the road because it is indeed a journey. We
are all a work in progress, and that is certainly true for our children,
especially the younger ones.
* * *
Do not project your
negative school experience onto your child. Let’s be honest. The school
system we have today is not for everyone. It wasn’t intended to be. The idea of
school began way back when Rabban Gamliel saw that the yesomim (orphans),
because they didn’t have parents, were not receiving the chinuch from
home as had always been the tradition, and the mesorah was being lost. Rabban
Gamliel, in his chochma, thus started the school system.
Over the years, it developed and
morphed into what we have today, and to the credit of the talented and
innovative people of klal Yisrael, it is still being tweaked. That
is the beauty of chinuch; it is not stagnant but rather fresh and
vibrant. This should be your approach. Your child is a different being from
you, with his own unique personality, strengths, and weaknesses. Let him learn
through his own eyes; not yours.
* * *
Know what age-appropriate
behavior and child development markers are. Don’t leave it up to the
teacher to educate you. This is your child! Whatever the age of your child,
remember that children should be treated as children, both in our expectations
of what they are capable of while, at the same time, realizing that they are
like sponges who naturally absorb information. This applies across the board
from toddlers to teens. When you don’t know or are confused about something,
consult with someone who does: first with the pediatrician to rule out health
issues, then with a parent coach, a seasoned mechanech, a friend who
went through that stage, or even a bubby or zaidy!
* * *
Trust the process. You
can’t achieve the end result without having worked along the way to get there. In
the same vein, as tip number two, it is up to you as the parent to equip your
child with basic skills of courtesy, middos tovos, and independence! Be
patient with her and yourself in this process. It takes time and love and
energy! To paraphrase the essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson, childhood is a journey,
not a destination, and in that journey lies learning what life is all about. This
means the parents, too, must learn who their child is because every child is an
individual. As Shlomo Hamelech teaches us, “Chanoch l’naar al pi darko –
educate the child according to his path.”
* * *
Expect bumps on the road. We
are not perfect complete products, and neither are our children – and they
should not be! We were put on this earth to grow (see the Ramchal) and become
the best we can be with the traits and personality Hashem gave us. Stand by
your child and yourself when something difficult comes up that you were not
expecting. This can be a small hurdle, like your child needing help with OT
skills of cutting, handwriting, or sitting, etc. My oldest, now a father
himself, failed scissoring when he was in kindergarten. He made it through
school and beyond and cuts just fine now. Sometimes, there are speech delays or
learning differences that need to be addressed. I’ve had that as well and paid
for speech resource services. This child ended up speaking at an end-of-year
program in school and most recently earned a merit scholarship for
college.
* * *
The preschool years are when potential
difficulties are noted, so don’t be surprised if your child seems to be
struggling with something when all was smooth sailing in the past. There are
important life-long skills to be learned that weren’t part of his life before,
and now they are. That’s what school is for. This includes the socialization
process, which may also present issues. Sometimes, there are negative behaviors
that express this frustration. That’s okay! It’s all part of the process of
growing up.
When I was a newlywed, I never
made Shabbos at home or cooked in the kitchen. (My mother is Hungarian, and the
kitchen is her domain!) That first Shabbos as a married woman, it took me all
Friday afternoon to cook for just me and my husband, and we had to make late
Shabbos. B”H, I cook plenty now and can whip it up in a few hours or
less.
* * *
“Evaluation” is not a dirty
word. There are times when the bumps are bigger and require more
help to go over and around them. Sometimes, your precious and beloved child is
displaying differences that are far greater than his peers, which is a red flag
for the teacher that something else is going on. It could be in behavior: his
difficulty with emotional regulation that leads to tantrums that are normative
for a three-year-old but not for the five-year-old that he is. Or, the
10-year-old child’s understanding of basic questions and ability to complete
tasks seem more appropriate for that of an 8-year-old.
These are just a couple of
examples; there are many other difficulties that are tough for a teacher to
deal with while also teaching the curriculum and managing the class. These are
beyond her professional capacity (and pay grade). Even more so, they are
frustrating for the child (!) who may not have the language to understand
and express the difficulty, which can lead to more challenging behaviors. And
of course, it is painful for parents to watch their normally sweet child in
distress. This is the time to ask for help. Again, begin with the pediatrician
who knows your child and your family and the medical history. Listen to the
teacher and respect her observations. Consult with the school, which should
have resources to point you to. Be proactive and don’t wait. You are your
child’s advocate!
If an evaluation is necessary, do
your homework and find out what’s involved. Did I mention don’t wait? Time is
of the essence; it’s called early intervention. The sooner you start this
process, which can take time, the sooner your child will get the help she
needs. I used to think the word “evaluation” was a dirty word. I did not want
my child to be labelled as “XYZ.” I was frightened of misinterpretation of the
results, which are based on scientific data but which are occasionally misinterpreted.
That’s when you ask around and ask real questions. Find a psychologist who does
testing whom you trust.
In the end, I am so grateful we
paid for this service. It gave us great insight into our child’s mind, into how
this child was hardwired, into how Hashem made this neshama. As a dear
friend of mine who is a child psychologist, Dr. Tziporah Koslowitz – check her
out on YouTube and her Targeted Parenting website – told me, “That’s how the
child came out of the box!”
There is no shame in
getting the help your child needs. If he has vision issues, wouldn’t you
schedule an appointment with the eye doctor and get glasses? Same thing with an
educational or neuropsychological evaluation. If your child has a mental health
challenge, get him the “glasses” with the right therapist. If your child has a
learning difference that requires more support than a mainstream classroom can
give him, jump in and get your child the help he needs. As another friend told
me, a veteran morah par excellence, “Knowledge is power.” At this point,
you, as the parent, make the informed decision of what’s best to do for your
child. Sometimes that means making very hard and out-of-the-box ones. And
that’s OK too. Sometimes, there are no easy answers or solutions, and you keep
doing the hishtadlus (effort) with emunah and bitachon
that are the necessary ingredients to raising a child.
* * *
Remember that shlosha shootfin b’adam
– there are three partners in the creation of man: G-d, the mother, and the
father. Do not leave Hashem out of the picture. Talk to Him! Daven and ask Him
for help! Remember, He is the one that gifted you this Neshama – with
this difficulty or disorder. Hashem trusts in you that you can care for His
child; and you can. I reiterate that there is no shame
with whatever diagnosis your child receives. Rather, the shame is when parents
don’t meet the challenge. Yes, it is so very hard when you have to deal with
this specific nisayon (challenge) of tzar gidul banim, the raising
of children.
I’ve been-there-done-that as both
a teacher and a parent. There is a grieving process because you have to
reconcile yourself to the loss of your hopes and dreams for this child. That’s
when you talk to someone to get the support you need. It is just as the
flight attendant directs us to put on our oxygen mask first and then put it on
our children. This person can be your rav, the menahel (principal), the
school guidance counselor and other professionals, a close friend, or even the morah.
This is when you learn to accept the reality of what is and find the
vision to discover the version of your child that Hashem wants.
Believe it or not, as teachers, we
really are invested in your child and truly want what’s best for him or her. We
should all be on the same page for this child’s chinuch.
* * *
I hope these tips helped you. They
are not meant to be scare tactics: rather, proactive information should you
need it for whatever you’re dealing with. Baruch Hashem, our Baltimore
community is blessed with many school choices. And while nothing is perfect, as
it is not the ideal chinuch system, it is the best it can be with our
dedicated mechanchim (educators) of this city. I am so proud to be a
part of this peer group. I consider it a great privilege to be involved in this
avodas kodesh of teaching Hashem’s children.
I wish us all good luck – the students,
the parents, and the teachers – in the wonderful upcoming school year!
Respectfully yours,
Morah Judy
L’iluy nishmas Aba Mori Yaakov Mordechai ben Yitzchok
Tzvi, yibadel bein chaim tovim v’aruchim Imi Morasi who really is the voice
behind this article.
