To the Shadchan

To the Shadchan:

 I met a guy, and we’ve been dating for two months. I’m 32, and so is Yehuda. We are both professionals and live in the same community. It sounds perfect, right? However, I am getting cold feet. You see, Yehuda lives with his mother and basically supports her. His father abandoned the family a long time ago, and he is very close to his mother. She has had a very difficult life, and from what I can glean from my conversations with Yehuda, she is a difficult person: a bit controlling and given to anger and yelling. I know she asks him lots of questions about me and our dates, so I guess he discusses everything with her.

My worry is that this will be a problem if I marry him. The mother has already called me, even though we are not yet engaged and I have never met her. She said she was very excited that her son is serious about someone. She said she wants to have a close relationship with me and offered some advice about some minor things. I believe she was sincere, but it seemed odd to me.

I’m asking myself if I am willing to marry someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and is so close to his mother. My family is very normal and things were settled calmly and respectfully. If we marry and have a conflict or difference of opinion, will Yehuda take my side, or will he side with his mother? Since we will be living in the same community, I assume we would be seeing her often. Will she interfere in our everyday lives?

Then there is the money question. I have worked for years and saved most of my money so that when I got married, we would be able to buy a nice house and have some financial security. I assume Yehuda will continue to support his mother after his marriage. Will I resent it if we can’t afford things because of that? I know that his mother buys presents for Yehuda’s sister out of the money he gives her. Will that bother me if it takes away from the needs of our own family?

I really like Yehuda, and I don’t want to throw away this relationship, especially at my age. But I am getting nervous. I haven’t spoken to him about this; I don’t know quite how to broach the subject. I think that Yehuda does not see a problem, or he wouldn’t be telling me all these details about his mother. He has a lot of empathy for her, and I’m wondering if this will blind him to my feelings in the future.

Do you think my concerns are legitimate, or do you think I am being selfish for having these doubts? Do you have any experience with such a situation? How should I handle it?

The Shadchan answers:

I have read your question regarding your potential “mother-in-law” situation. Let me say, first, that I do not think that you are being selfish; you have legitimate concerns, and I hope that I can give you a few positive pointers. 

If you were very young and not mature enough to deal diplomatically with the situation, I would tell you to run. At your age, however, I think you will be able to work things out beforehand. If that turns out not to be the case, then it is not bashert, and you will need to move on.

You have been dating for two months, but you do not mention if you have discussed marriage. If Yehuda has not yet expressed his feelings, your concerns may be a moot point. Or, even if he is interested, does the fact that he lives with his mother at age 32 indicate a commitment issue? 

But, assuming you are both serious about marriage, let’s deal with your worries. First of all, I agree with you that it was a bit inappropriate for Yehuda’s mother to have called you already. But it is very possible that she is excited about the situation and wants to have a good relationship with you. I am sure that she does not want her son to be single all his life and hopes that you are the answer. It will take more experiences with her to know whether his mother understands the boundaries in a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. 

That being said, there are many families that are not dysfunctional in which a son is very close to his mother, which may create “mother-in-law” issues. You would not be the first or the last to have this problem. There are many young men, unfortunately, who will choose their mother over their wife, as wrong as that may be. You must sit down and have a serious discussion with Yehuda and see where he stands. You can ask him whether he will run home to his mother after your first argument.

Second, there is the money question. Ask him what his plans are regarding his financial status once he is married. You should discuss the purchase of a home and all the concerns that are on your mind. (You could even suggest that, if things progress, you find a home that’s some distance away from his mother – inviting her for Shabbosim, etc. when you feel comfortable doing so – to ensure that she’s not able to “just walk in” anytime she wants.)

How will he budget his expenses when they include a wife and, iy”H, children? Ask him if he is willing to speak to his sister and request her help with support, if it is truly needed. She should refuse any gifts that her mother showers on her if she knows that it is Yehuda’s money. If Yehuda wants to give her a gift, then he will do so himself.

What are his mother’s real circumstances? Does she have a job? Does she have social security? Does his sister help in the support? Many women who have been abandoned by their husband or have been widowed have had difficult lives. However, they seem to manage and would not take anything from their children. Yes, she is very dependent on him, and I am wondering if he is a “mama’s boy,” unable to leave her house, and that’s why he is helping toward the expenses. Is Yehuda “enabling” his mother because he needs to feel “needed”?

Be careful in the way you speak, of course. You want to be empathetic and sensitive to his feelings of responsibility for his mother, which is, after all, a good thing. But watch his reaction to your words.

You say that you have never spoken about these issues, nor do you know how to broach the subject. Have you had any serious discussions about the life you want to lead as a bayis b’Yisrael? I think you would be able to progress from such general discussions to your specific concerns. If this is difficult for you, you may need some help learning how to transition from more casual conversations to ones of more “tachlis,” (substance) so that you can both take the next step.

 As you know, no marriage is without its problems. Every shidduch has trials and tribulations. You need to take a deeper look at the details of the situation and decide if you can live with it. Before you make any commitments, it would be advisable to seek professional counseling together to help you work through the problems that are troubling you. If he is not willing to discuss these issues with you directly or with the help of a counselor, then this shidduch may not have much potential.

I hope I have given you some insight into your dilemma. I hope things will work out for you, whether with Yehuda or not, and may your parents bring you to the chuppa in the near future with simcha and much bracha.

Hatzlacha rabba.