I’m 24 years old and recently met a new guy. We have a good time together and seem to connect on a deeper level. I’ve gone out with others, but they were not on my wave length. I really like him, and he feels the same way about me. It’s been a month since we started dating, but we are taking it slowly.
One topic has come up, however, that is getting me concerned. He told me about his married brother. It seems that the brother’s wife has declined in her standard of modesty since their marriage. Her snood is slipping further and further back, and her clothing is becoming less modest. Perhaps these symbolize other changes in her religiosity. I’m not sure how the brother feels about it, but the boy I am dating seems very worried about whether the same thing could happen to him. He keeps bringing it up and asking me inappropriate questions, like how I plan to dress or who gets to decide how I dress.
I think we will in fact agree on my standard of tznius. I am happy with my lifestyle and have no intention of changing. But I don’t want to marry a dictator. I also want someone who trusts me and respects who I am. This idea of who gets to decide things seems like a power struggle in the making. I think that decisions in a marriage should be mutual. I have told him that no one knows what life will bring. There are no guarantees, and I should not have to fill out a questionnaire. I don’t know what he will be like a few years down the road either. Will he go to shul every day? Will he keep a regular shiur?
I don’t know how this will play out. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder about this subject. Could this be a red flag about other traits? I would appreciate your wise advice. Thank you.
The Shadchan Answers:
You seem to be a young woman who has high standards, is goal oriented, and has her head on straight. You have been going out with a young man for a while and are connecting on a deeper level. I am sure you have spoken about your hashkafos (religious beliefs) and what you both want out of life. From his concerns about tznius, it seems that he has strong hashkafos and is machshiv Torah, and I commend him for that. However, you seem to be equally mature in your hashkafos, and I therefore don’t know what he is worried about and why he is being a “dictator.”
I understand that his sister-in-law went on a path of yerida (religious decline), so he is afraid any girl could do the same. I assume you have never met the sister-in-law, so it would be difficult to judge her. We don’t know why she has declined in her tznius. Maybe she never completely accepted tznius standards to begin with but wanted to “catch” her guy, so she did what she thought she had to do. Or it could have been family pressures or trying to “keep up with the Joneses.” However, everyone changes. Perhaps, unbeknownst to your date, his brother has also declined in his observance. We never know what happens behind closed doors. If that is the case, maybe they both decided that she can be a little more lax in her dress and he in his observance.
But if this young man gets to know you as a frum, tzniusdikeh person, why would he think it will happen to him? He certainly should not be overly focused on the topic. If he wants the relationship to continue, he must get the “chip off his shoulder” and stop asking you questions that you feel are inappropriate, since it clearly bothers you.
You ask if this is a red flag. I think it would be important for you to keep dating until it becomes clear to you that his overbearing attitude is an overreaction to the situation with the sister-in-law that can be overcome. Observe whether he is domineering in other matters. In your interactions – whether deciding where to go on a date or what to eat at a restaurant, expressing opinions or talking about your dreams for the future, etc. – does he listen to you, empathize with your feelings, and take your preferences into account, or is it “my way or the highway”? It might also be worthwhile to find out if such behavior has been exhibited in the past and led to broken relationships.
Another thing to look out for is excessive anxiety. Is he worried about many problems, both big and small? Does he hesitate to take action because of anxiety? One thing is for sure: He has to learn to trust you. He cannot be constantly questioning you. That is unfair. He sees where you are coming from and should not doubt you in any way. If he is going to tell you what kind of head covering you should have, the length of your dresses, etc., then what will he do about other issues that come up in a marriage? Believe me there will be challenges and issues that husband and wife have to face and solve together. No marriage is without problems. The difference between a successful and unsuccessful marriage is the communication and trust between husband and wife.
You are correct in that a person never knows what life can bring; there are no guarantees. However, if a person has a philosophy of life and knows what he or she wants, change for the worse would be difficult and highly unlikely. He should give you the benefit of the doubt, and if he really likes you and knows where you stand in your Yiddishkeit, he should have the confidence that you will only grow together and become stronger as a team.
I would advise you to have a frank discussion with this young man and lay it on the line: “This is where we are now, and hopefully we will continue to go forward from chayil el chayil, together as a couple.” You have the potential to share a wonderful life together as you wrote in your first paragraph. If your relationship grows and you get married, you will be living together in our constantly changing society, and you must work together to face life with confidence and as equal partners. If he cannot see it this way, then it is better to break it off sooner than later. I would hate to see this happen, so I hope you can work it out.
I want to wish you hatzlacha, and may both of you soon build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.
