One of the most pressing issues of our day in yeshivishe circles is the shidduch plight. In this essay, I would like to offer a multi-pronged approach to cutting it down to size. In broad terms, the issue at its core lies in the difficulty in arranging a shidduch, which, in turn, derives from two factors. One is the imbalance in the number of girls and boys entering the parsha each year. The other is the yawning and ever-growing gap between the ever-increasing population of the Torah world and the availability of shadchanim.
Guidance of our Gedolim
Around 2023, an
audacious initiative was undertaken by numerous rabbanim, spearheaded by
Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch, shlit”a. They issued a call for girls
returning from seminary to delay dating for one year, while boys should begin dating, wherever possible, one
year earlier. However you do the math, this would, over time, dramatically
reduce the disproportion between boys and girls entering the shidduch
market while also achieving greater age parity in dating. This plan offers
much-needed relief for girls.
Let us pray that
singles and their parents heed this directive. Time will tell.
Shidduch Organizations
In addition to
small, community-based networks of shadchanim peppered throughout the
Torah world, there exist a number of large shidduch organizations which,
likewise, offer dating services for the yeshiva-oriented. The ones that readily
come to mind are Adopt-A-Shadchan, Oorah Rebbetzins, YU Connects, Gateways Connections,
and SawYouAtSinai. Given today’s burgeoning population, a large-scale approach
is precisely what is needed, and my conservative estimate of the combined
number of shadchanim on staff is 900, who service singles on a regional
and national scale. Call it the “shidduch industry.”
Let’s take a
deeper dive. Each of these groups is primed to help singles across the Orthodox spectrum. They
commonly maintain vast online databases of registrations, bios, profiles, etc. while
seeking to constantly expand by recruiting and training new shadchanim. In
addition, they provide ready access to networks of dating coaches, mentors, and
therapists, plus online reading material to assist singles through the dating
process. I am convinced these organizations are ideal for those who have worked
with their local shadchanim, are now approaching their mid-20s, and
remain single. A word of caution: These groups are not homogeneous in nature. The
dater should select the one best suited to his/her needs and aspirations.
To my knowledge, the
more mature yeshivishe singles are not taking advantage of these opportunities in
appreciable numbers. Considerable skepticism remains over periodic special
events, such as Shabbatons, weekend retreats, speed dating, and workshops run
by such organizations as Adopt-a-Shadchan, Oorah Rebbetzins, and others. Not to
worry! These events are optional, supervised, and typically restricted to
specific age groups and, at times, by gender. These functions greatly enhance the dating experience.
Concerning the
actual dating process, according to my sources within these organizations, shadchanim
will not exchange cell phone numbers
between the boy and girl until they mutually express a readiness to speak with one
other outside of the actual date. This may occur after the first, second,
fourth date, or whenever. Regardless, the shadchan will remain involved
throughout.
The highly experienced
or older dater who does not give these groups a serious look is truly missing
the elephant in the room.
Personal and Family Preferences
The lead-up to a
first date is usually a tense and challenging time for all involved. During
this interval, parents and daters alike formulate and express their anticipation
and preferences. Whether the focus is on the dater’s precise age/appearance, financial
commitments, the boy’s career aspirations, family dynamics, etc., the shadchan
faces a sometimes daunting task of clearing a path for the shidduch to
materialize. It would be wise, especially when friction develops, that each
side entertain second thoughts: They might say to themselves, “Perhaps we can
allow for some degree of accommodation or flexibility. After all, what appears
to us as a top priority may be viewed as nonsense by the other side.”
Sadly, many a shidduch
has never launched where one or both sides, although meaning well, harbored expectations
that were unrealistic or unreasonable. In so doing, they unwittingly sabotaged themselves
and deepened the dating crisis.
We can do better. If
we can finetune our hishtadlus as suggested above, we will, iy’H,
bear witness to many more l’chaims and broken plates!
