In my original article, entitled “The Search for a Rebbe,” I presented some of the major qualifications one should seek in a rebbe or rav – namely, someone who elevates the individual, takes a deep personal interest in him, and whose words resonate. I would like to elaborate on the final qualification.
There
is a misconception among some people today that the ideal is to become a carbon
copy of one’s rebbe. Such students may feel that if the rebbe is holier, wiser,
and a greater scholar than them – it follows that the student should lose his
own identity and model himself completely after the rebbe. This, however, is a
serious mistake.
Rav
Naftali Amsterdam, zt”l, asked his great rebbe, Rav Yisrael Salanter,
zt”l, “How can I serve Hashem properly? If I had the mind of the Sha’agos
Aryeh, the heart of the Mesillas Yesharim, and the rebbe’s middos, I
could serve Hashem. But what am I supposed to do in my present state?” Rav
Yisrael famously responded, “My dear Naftali, you are mistaken. It is with your
mind, your heart, and your middos that you are supposed to
serve Hashem!” Each individual is created with his own personality and a
specific set of strengths and challenges. He has his own unique mission in the
world that only he can fulfill. It is tragic when one doesn’t even realize that
he has his own personal mission.
The
role of a rebbe is to develop the talmid and guide him in a way that
enables the talmid to identify and fulfill his personal mission. In
light of this, the role of the mature student is to seek out to rebbe who is
most qualified to assist him in this task. For an individual to discover that
personal mission, he must have a basic self-awareness of his strengths and
weaknesses, of what he enjoys and what he dislikes, as well as what inspires him
and what bothers him. When such a student searches for a rebbe, he tries to determine
if he connects to the rebbe and his approach. Does the rebbe see and appreciate
him for who he is? Does it feel like the rebbe’s advice will help him maximize
his strengths and overcome his challenges? Does the talmid feel
satisfied by the way that the rebbe answers his questions? Do the rebbe’s words
of inspiration inspire him? These are some of the questions that help gauge if
the rebbe’s words resonate with the talmid.
Unfortunately,
many talmidim never ask any of these questions. They may be coming from
a holy place of emunas chachamim (trust in the sages), so they won’t
question anything that any rebbe says. But they don’t realize that Chazal
(Avoda Zara 13a) emphasize the importance of finding one’s specific rebbe and
explain that not every rebbe is fitting for each individual student.
I
once accompanied a student who wanted to speak to a certain renowned talmid
chacham and receive his advice. When we left, the student commented to me
that he didn’t see how that advice could work for him. It was clear to me (even
before the student made that comment) that, although many benefit from the
advice of the aforementioned talmid chacham, the advice did not resonate
with this student and would not be effective for him. Unfortunately, this
student didn’t have a healthy sense of self and hadn’t developed the
understanding that not every rebbe is for every talmid. He went through
a subconscious internal struggle between his absolute belief that he had
received the proper advice and an inner sense that the advice was not right for
him. Sadly, this is not an isolated incident but a common occurrence.
Others
take a different mistaken approach. They are more in touch with themselves than
student in the previous story. They, too, hear speeches or receive advice from
rebbeim or rabbonim that does not resonate with them. This group of individuals
is acutely aware of their internal conflict between emunas chachamim and
their inner feelings. At worst, they conclude that they have no choice but to
reject the entire concept of emunas chachamim, and at best, they decide
that rebbeim just don’t work for them personally, and they drift off on their
own.
This
group is making the same essential error as the first group. They don’t realize
that rebbeim are not one-size-fits-all. The fact that the message of some rebbeim
doesn’t resonate with them is not a demonstration of a fault in the rebbe or in
the talmid. They are just not the right fit. The talmid need not
feel defensive or guilty. Both the rebbe and the talmid should recognize
that the talmid needs to find a different rebbe – and if he tries, he
will!
Truthfully, some will find it more difficult than
others to discover the proper rebbe for themselves. Some will find rebbeim who
have some of the qualities that they are seeking but not all. But the most
basic quality is that the rebbe’s words resonate with the individual, as I have
described. Some may not find the perfect match for this either, but almost
everyone is able to discover a rebbe whose words resonate to a large degree.
What
if someone is truly unable to find a rebbe with the qualifications that we have
delineated? Rabbeinu Yona, at the beginning of his commentary to Pirkei Avos,
addresses this issue and writes that even if the only person available is your
equal, you still must “make him” your rebbe. I understand this to mean that,
since we all have our biases, we need an outside opinion, even from someone who
is no wiser than us, whom we accept as an authority to set us straight.
Sometimes, a person has to say, “I have not been able to find the rebbe that I
was looking for. Yet I will have to make this person into my rebbe.” A rebbe
who does not meet all of the qualifications is better than no rebbe at all.
The
gemara (Berachos 8a) states that a person should always try to live near
his rebbe. It derives this from the fact that, as long as Shlomo Hamelech’s
rebbe was alive, he did not marry the daughter of Pharoh. It was only when he
was no longer in the presence of his rebbe that he succumbed to this
temptation. On the simplest level, the gemara is teaching us that a
rebbe is someone whom we have to answer to. We have to look him in the face and
be ready for his disapproval if we act improperly. A person who has no rebbe or
who goes shul hopping and never has anyone to whom he has to answer is in great
danger of falling prey to the yetzer hara. However, if he makes someone
his rebbe, even if that rebbe doesn’t have all of the qualifications that he is
seeking, the yetzer hara is at least held in check.
It is my hope that this article has shed some
light on a greatly misunderstood topic and will remove some of the pitfalls in
the way of the many people who have not yet discovered their rebbe.
Rabbi
Jaffee is a rebbe at Yeshiva Gedolah Ohr Hatorah. He can be reached by email at
dovidjaffee@gmail.com.
