Growing up in the frum chinuch system, we have all heard many times about the importance of having a rebbe to go to for guidance. Those of us who went to yeshiva will remember the great reverence in which we held our rebbeim and how hard we tried to build and develop a connection with them. But as life goes on and we get married and leave yeshiva, many of us find ourselves without a true rebbe figure in our lives. Furthermore, a significant percentage of people, even during the yeshiva years, only had a “rebbe” in the sense of hearing a shiur from him, but they did not have a true relationship with that rebbe, nor did they feel comfortable turning to him for guidance. Some individuals may have even felt uncomfortable with the advice they received when they finally mustered up the courage to ask the rebbe a question – so they didn’t continue to pursue the relationship.

In this article, I would like to explore some of the qualifications for a true rebbe. I hope that through defining what type of person to look for, it will become easier to discover that individual.

One Cannot Learn from Just Anyone

It is imperative to realize that the gemara (Eiruvin 47a) states “Lo min hakol adam zoche lilmod – one doesn’t merit to learn from just anyone.” In other words, finding the proper rebbe can be challenging, and we don’t automatically assume that any rebbe will be the right match for any given student. Many people feel that they don’t really connect to the rebbe whose shiur they attend or rav whose shul is closest to their home, so they remain without a true rebbe. This gemara teaches us that, despite the greatness of the rebbe or rav, he might not be the rebbe for me. It is incumbent upon each individual to be proactive in seeking out his rebbe.  

Finding a Rebbe Who Resembles an Angel

How do I find the rebbe who is proper for me? The gemara (Moed Katan 17a) gives us a lead and states, “If the rav is domeh (similar) to a malach (angel), seek Torah from him; if not, do not seek Torah from him.” In the context of the gemara, it is conveying the idea that one should only study under a teacher whose actions and mode of Torah observance are impeccable. If, however, the rebbe has character flaws and is lacking in his adherence to mitzvos, one should not learn Torah from him.

I think that there is a broader meaning in the statement that the rebbe should be like an angel. An angel is a holy and perfect being. We view angels with awe and respect. Furthermore, being in the presence of an angel is an inspiring and elevating experience. Chazal are teaching us that we should feel this type of respect for our rebbe, and we should feel elevated in his presence.  

Like an Angel in the Eyes of the Student

Yet, the question remains: Can a rebbe really be like a malach? Angels are perfect, while humans are not. If someone is looking for an angel-like rebbe, he will never find one! I would like to suggest an answer which highlights a critical idea: The gemara doesn’t say that the rebbe needs to be a malach, only that he needs to resemble a malach. The word for resemble is domeh. This word has the connotation of a subjective viewpoint. Considering this, the gemara is saying that, in the eyes of the student, the rebbe should seem like a malach. This requirement is very understandable. The student should feel that he is elevated through being in the presence of his rebbe. It is through the awe and respect that he has for his rebbe that he will be inspired to grow in his avodas Hashem.

We have all seen students who are enamored by their rebbe, while others may view the rebbe as another regular person. Based on the above, other people’s impressions are irrelevant here; if this student admires his rebbe and is elevated by him, that is the proper rebbe for him (unless the rebbe has a significant flaw from an objective standpoint). Conversely, others who might not hold that rebbe in such high regard, should find a different rebbe.

We are all familiar with the mishna (Avos 1:6) which instructs us to judge everyone favorably. Although this is not always an absolute halachic requirement, it certainly applies if we see a talmid chacham act in a manner which seems improper. Nevertheless, in my opinion, if one is often disturbed by the demeanor of a certain talmid chacham and often needs to try to judge him favorably, this talmid chacham is not the right rebbe for this student. If the student has a long list of unanswered questions about the rebbe stored away somewhere in his subconscious (or conscious) mind, he cannot be fully inspired or elevated by that rebbe. I am not saying that he cannot learn anything from this rebbe. On numerous occasions, I have had students who have moved on to another yeshiva and had questions about certain behaviors of their rosh yeshiva. I speak to these students about how to view this in a positive light, and it is fine for them to stay at the yeshiva, provided they are able to maintain respect for the rosh yeshiva. But a rosh yeshiva in such a situation should not attain the status of the rebbe of our present discussion. Of course, he may very well be the right rebbe for other students who are not troubled by his behavior.

Like a Father

It is necessary to find a rebbe with whom one can develop a relationship. The mitzva of teaching Torah is described as “you shall teach your sons,” which Chazal (Rashi Devarim 6:7 quoting the Sifrei) interpret as teaching students. We derive from here that the relationship between a rebbe and talmid resembles that of a father and son. A rebbe is not a storekeeper or a technician who simply provides a service. He is a father-like figure. The deeper the relationship, the more deeply the student will be able to connect to Hashem. The closer the relationship, the more accurately the rebbe will be able to fine-tune his teaching and guidance to fit the needs of the student.

Unfortunately, the importance of the rebbe-talmid relationship is underemphasized in our times. Baruch Hashem, yeshivos and shuls are growing rapidly. The downside of this is that many students are flocking to very large yeshivos, where many don’t develop that personal relationship with their rebbe. Often, even after marriage, they are not part of a specific shul or do not have a rav who is available to be intimately part of their life. It is becoming increasingly prevalent to submit questions to hotlines or even text shailos to someone who will give them a quick response. Although these are helpful for pressing circumstances, they should not be the norm. If one has a set rebbe or rav whom they regularly go to, not only will they receive finetuned answers for their specific circumstances, but they will have that figure of spiritual inspiration in their life through whom they connect more deeply to Hashem.

Furthermore, if one’s rebbe is part of his life, there will be a readily available address to turn to when he needs advice and encouragement. Too many people, especially after they leave yeshiva, carry their burdens alone since they do not have anyone with whom they feel comfortable speaking about personal topics. They often only reach out after the issue has escalated to emergency proportions.

A Rebbe Whose Words Resonate with the Student

I want to mention one final, critical part of the rebbe-talmid relationship. The student must find a rebbe whose words resonate with him. Have you ever left a drasha with the feeling, “Wow! He was talking right to me!” or walked out of a personal conversation feeling, “He really got me!”? That means that the words resonated with you. We have all had the opposite experience as well, feeling that the teacher’s words didn’t hit us or that he just didn’t get us.

But there is delicate nuance the must be understood. A rebbe whose words resonate with us is not the equivalent of someone who only tells us what we want to hear. A rebbe in a shiur in yeshiva needs to challenge his students intellectually, and a rebbe in life needs to challenge his disciples to grow spiritually. Rav Yaakov Weinberg, zt”l, once gave a weekly shiur to a group of non-religious Jews. One of the attendees stopped coming and when asked for an explanation responded, “If I keep coming to the lectures, I will have to change my life around, and I am not prepared to do that!” Rav Weinberg’s words certainly resonated with him, so much so that they would have compelled him to make significant life changes, but this wasn’t what he wanted to hear. (Here, Rav Weinberg was the perfect rebbe, but there was a deficiency in the student that he wasn’t prepared to live up to what resonated with him as the truth.)

People who are more intellectual may gravitate towards a rebbe who has a rigid, intellectual approach. People who are more emotional may be drawn towards a rebbe who speaks to the heart and the feelings. This is not a question of right or wrong but a discovery of the approach that speaks to the particular individual. This also applies to a style of shul, yeshiva, or shiur. After directing one of my students to move on to a specific yeshiva, he called me back distressed, since one of his friends told him that another yeshiva is much better. I responded that, indeed, for that friend, the second yeshiva was a much better choice, but for him, the first yeshiva would allow him to grow more. We must recognize that everyone is different, and each of us needs to discover the rebbe who is best suited for his individual personality and needs.

Conclusion

In summary, Chazal tell us that a rebbe should be one whom the individual respects as he would an angel. The rebbe is one whose very presence elevates his disciple, while simultaneously the rebbe is one with whom the disciple develops a close relationship, resembling that of a father and son. Additionally, my personal rebbe should be a talmid chacham whose words resonate with me and who challenges me to grow spiritually and reach my potential.

I hope that this article gives some direction towards discovering a true rebbe. There are other important details and considerations involved in this on a practical level, which will be the subject of a subsequent article.

Rabbi Jaffee is a rebbe at Yeshiva Gedolah Ohr Hatorah. He can be reached by email at dovidjaffee@gmail.com