From years of working with adolescents, one truth has become very clear to me: One of the most impactful factors in an adolescent’s life, mental health, values, and decisions is the relationship they have with their parents. That relationship can serve as an anchor in a very complicated adolescent world, something I have referenced many times throughout my book Parenting with a Plan, where I expand on the ideas of respect-based and relationship-based parenting.
At the same time, I want to make a
point that I hope offers both chizuk and perspective. Even when a
relationship with a child is genuinely strong, healthy, honest, respectful, and
deeply woven into the parent-child dynamic, there are still other factors that
can weaken that protective barrier the relationship has built.
There are moments when a
relationship may truly be at a ten out of ten, yet other variables come into
play that are simply not in our control. It could be a difficult teacher or a
leadership change in school, a shift in friendships that leaves a child feeling
lonely, or sometimes it is their appearance or self-image that affects their
confidence. Other times, it’s internal pressure to socially conform and try to
fit in. In those moments, adolescents may make decisions that are not the best
ones. They are still anchored, but their ship has taken on water. Things feel
less steady, and their judgment is affected by the constantly moving pieces. These
moments are part of the adolescent experience. They will face choices and
decisions even when they feel like they’ve been thrown curveballs, and those
decisions may not always be the best ones.
A strong relationship does not mean
nothing will ever go wrong. It does not mean that if something does go wrong,
the relationship has failed. Ideally, we would hope a strong relationship
prevents these moments, but we do not live in that perfect world. The point of
the relationship is not perfection. The point is what happens when things are
no longer perfect. Sometimes, that is where the relationship matters most.
Story One: Moshe
Moshe and his parents had an
excellent relationship throughout high school. It was honest, trusting, warm,
and connected, and it paid dividends in many areas of his life – such as choosing
a yeshiva, navigating challenges, and making decisions. The anchor was there.
During his last two years of high
school, however, things became more complicated. His rebbi was not a good match
for him, and a new menahel added further turbulence. While his
relationship with his parents remained strong, these factors gave him room to
make some faulty decisions.
Over several months, Moshe made a
series of complicated choices, engaging in less-than-ideal behaviors and
relationships. He didn’t say a word to his parents about what he was doing and
still proactively maintained a meaningful relationship with them. He knew they
would be disappointed if they knew, yet he found ways to justify his actions to
himself. Teenagers are very good at that.
Months later, things surfaced.
Things went off the rails, and his parents had to be looped in. What stood out
after the initial tension and shock was Moshe’s parents’ ability to connect
patiently with him and Moshe’s comfort to be open with them. Even after months
in the dark, they expressed appreciation for his honesty and showed empathy for
what he was going through.
That acceptance transformed the
experience into something healing. This is where years of investing in the
relationship pays off. Not when everything is perfect, but when it is not. The
relationship may not prevent every mistake, but it provides a foundation for
healing and growth.
Story Two: Michal
Michal had wonderful parents and a
deeply connected relationship with them for many years. She shared long talks
and walks with her mother, and they were often seen as an ideal mother-daughter
team.
In twelfth grade, Michal began
struggling with disordered eating and symptoms of depression. These struggles
felt too uncomfortable to share, even with her mother. The relationship
remained strong, but she carried much of the pain on her own.
Months passed as she kept her
struggles private, yet the relationship continued to provide love, care, and
emotional safety.
Eventually, when she reached her
tipping point, she turned to her mother. She was hesitant, but she knew the
relationship was safe. Michal did not want to carry this alone anymore and was
able to lean into the relationship and get the help she needed.
The Point of the Relationship
These are just two stories out of
many. Of course, as parents, we want to
believe that our kids will come to us, maybe even quickly, when something isn’t
going well. We also want to believe that we can sense when something is off,
that we just know what’s going on with our children. But I’m not sure it’s the
safest bet to assume that’s always true.
Our role is to be a steady anchor,
to build a safe relationship and foundation so our children know that no matter
what happens, we are always a place they can turn to.
Rabbi Akiva Sutofsky is a school
therapist at Hillel Academy of Pittsburgh and also has a private practice. His
book, Parenting
with a Plan, is scheduled to be released before Pesach and includes haskamos
from Rabbi Aharon Lopiansky and Rabbi Reingold. The book can be found in all
local Jewish bookstores and at Menuchapublishers.com. Rabbi Kutofsky can be
reached at asutofsky@gnqil.com or 832-338-9915.
