I often hear a common story when parents call me to discuss a child they are struggling with. They can usually reminisce and think back to fifth or sixth grade, when the relationship was less challenging and more positive. Now the child is in ninth or tenth grade, and the relationship has regressed. It feels distant, complicated, and tense.
When things are
difficult, we need to look at our options. We need to take a breath and give
ourselves a sense of empowerment. We are better than our child at complex
thinking and problem solving, better at compartmentalizing, and better at
navigating what it might take to repair the relationship. Our kids, as much as
they crave a good relationship – and I promise you they do – don’t have the
bandwidth or the tools to piece it back together and lead the way. As parents,
we need to embrace the responsibility that we are the ones who can help move
the relationship back to a healthier direction.
The typical
situation may look familiar. You have a child you are struggling with. They are
not getting up in the morning. They are not meeting expectations. They are not
helping around the house. They do not get along with siblings. You are fighting
with them. Once in a while, you try to talk and it goes well, but then
everything blows up again. There may be consequences, threats, and frustration,
and the child spends a lot of time alone in their room. It usually turns into a
vicious cycle, and nothing seems to consistently help. At that point, we need
to slow down and figure out what is going on and how to help.
A very important
first step is to try to decode and demystify our kids. Even when things are
tense, their behaviors and reactions usually represent emotions they are
feeling, experiences and situations they may be struggling with. Often, they
don’t know how to express those emotions, or they don’t feel comfortable
sharing them directly. Instead, the feelings come out as anger, frustration,
ignoring, and conflict. It might be that they are struggling socially. They may
not like how they look. They may feel you treat siblings differently. They may
feel expectations are not fair. These emotions often come out in insults,
passive aggression, and defiance, which naturally makes us react. But if we
pause, we can decode what is actually happening and ask ourselves what they are
really trying to tell us.
I once worked with
a boy who was causing chaos at home: fighting with siblings and creating
tension. When we peeled things back, the emotion underneath was not anger. He
felt very unloved. He wanted one-on-one time but felt constantly labeled and
rejected. He wanted to feel cared for and accepted. Why did he not say that
directly? Because that is not how kids operate. Their feelings come out in
anger and conflict. Instead of
responding only to the behavior, we need to look deeper at the emotion
underneath.
Obviously not
every case is that clear, and even when it is clear, solutions are not always
simple. In a short article it is hard to be very specific, but I’d like to
offer three broad steps.
Step one is to
embrace the idea that when our kids act out, there are raw emotions under the
surface. We need to be the smarter person in the room, take a step back, and
try to interpret what is going on. We can tap into our ability to process and
slow things down. We need to zoom out – definitely don’t escalate the situation
in tense moments – and remember they are trying to send us a message.
Step two is that,
once we begin to understand, we need to revisit and restore the relationship. It’s
not simple or straightforward, but it usually includes communication, time,
fun, acceptance, love, listening, and empathy. We need to lead the path toward
what our kids actually want, which is to feel accepted, heard, and appreciated.
Even if they are not where we would like them to be religiously, academically,
or socially, they need to feel that we are okay with them. When parents create
that environment, defensiveness lowers and connection grows.
Step three is that
if we are struggling to do this, it is very important to get help. Getting help
doesn’t show weakness. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent or that your
kid is broken. It’s actually a very courageous and admirable step. It might
mean getting your child a therapist. It might mean getting yourself someone to
talk to get guidance and brainstorm with. It might mean identifying your own
parenting challenges. Sometimes, it might involve moderated conversations
between you and your child with a professional. Sometimes it’s all of the
above. Seeking help is not a sign of failure. It is often the most responsible
step when a relationship feels stuck.
When parents slow
down, decode the emotions, lead with acceptance, and seek help when needed,
they give the relationship the best chance to heal and grow.
Rabbi Akiva Sutofsky is a school
therapist at Hillel Academy of Pittsburgh and also has a private practice. His new
book, Parenting
with a Plan, includes haskamos from Rabbi Aharon Lopiansky and Rabbi
Reingold. The book can be found in all local Jewish bookstores and at
Menuchapublishers.com. Rabbi Sutofsky can be reached at asutofsky@gmail.com or
832-338-9915.
