When the Gold* family moved to Baltimore, they knew they didn’t have to worry about their welcome. Of course, their new neighbors would share their flour, eggs, and simchas. They would take in the mail for the ones who went away and babysit for each other’s children. And certainly, when a new neighbor moved in, they would bring over cookies and say hello. People, especially in the Baltimore community, go the extra mile to make sure everyone feels welcome. Being sensitive to others beyond regular friendliness is a level up that we can all achieve. It is a middah that takes effort to develop but is so important to acquire.
Don’t Wait…
Anticipate
The mishna tells
us in Pirkei Avos 2:4 “Do not judge your friend until you are standing in his
place.” While this can be understood in the literal sense – to simply refrain
from judging someone negatively – it can allude to the secret of achieving a
new level of sensitivity. To know how to provide others with what they truly
need, we must first put ourselves, figuratively, in their place. It takes
thought and imagination, but the results are so worthwhile. Anticipate their
needs by thinking about what you would want if you were in their shoes and then
provide that need even before they have a chance to articulate it.
One of the most
inspiring stories on this topic is also one of the simplest. A caller to the
Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation’s teen hotline shared that after she turns on
the hot water in the sink, to wash dishes or make a baby bottle, she makes sure
to turn it back to the cold side and let it run for a few seconds so that the
next person will not have to wait for their water to be the temperature they
are expecting. In our busy, overwhelmed lives, we would definitely forgive her
for just quickly turning off the faucet and moving on with her day. But with
three more seconds at the sink, she had stretched her “sensitivity muscles” in
a quiet, impactful way. And all it took was a little thought to anticipate the
needs of another person.
Daily Development
In our everyday
lives, there are so many opportunities to exercise our “sensitivity muscles,”
if we open our eyes to them. If a friend is having a hard day, you can call or
send an encouraging text message; it takes just 60 seconds of your time, but it
makes the world brighter to know that someone cares. If your neighbor’s garbage
bin was blown toward your driveway, you can carry it up the block a few yards
and save him the trek. If you know a woman who had a baby a couple of months
ago, you can invite her other kids over on Shabbos morning to give her a few
precious hours of rest. What other people want is probably similar to what you
would want if you were in their place!
Purim Progress
Your house may be
blessed with an overflowing costume bin and children who are on to the next
stage. (“I was a fireman last year, Mommy! Now I want to be the kohen
gadol!”) Why not think of a neighbor or friend who could use them and pass
them on? With one phone call, you will have removed that worry from her
shoulders – even before she had a chance to worry about it! Or, maybe this Ta’anis
Esther afternoon, you can bring mishloach manos to that nice, older
lady who tends to be forgotten in the Purim rush. That’s true chesed,
coming from a thought-out desire to give.
On the Giving End
Before Pesach
approaches, many of us pull out our notebooks to compose the preliminary list
of all the lists we need to make our preparations as smooth as possible. Some
will be knee deep in Brillo pads and paper towels for the next three weeks,
some fortunate ones will be opening the doors to their Pesach kitchens to start
cracking dozens of eggs, and some are packing up for a journey to a Pesach
hotel, an Airbnb in Florida, or a visit to in-laws or cousins who live a few
hours away. These adventures provide us with many opportunities to develop our
“sensitivity muscles.” While you will probably feel exhausted from cleaning,
you will also feel satisfied about your middos-building moments. Did
your sister spend all day scrubbing the Lego, Clics, and Magnatiles? Place a
chocolate bar on her pillow. When your mother calls to ask how many bags of
lettuce to buy for the big family seder and sounds tired because it has been a
very long week, offer to buy the lettuce for her and bring it when you arrive.
Don’t wait for her to ask; anticipate!
E-Z pass? Check.
Phone chargers? Check. Enough matza and cream cheese to build a small, Egyptian
pyramid? Check and check. You pat yourself on the back for thought-out
planning. Good. Now, stretch your “sensitivity muscles” and think about what
someone else might need. If you are traveling to Nowheresville, USA, and plan
to benefit from the welcoming Chabad family who is happily providing you with a
place to daven and all of your other needs – think! What can you do for them?
When you write your packing list, why not throw in some chocolates for them,
too? When making your arrangements, make it a point to ask them what you can
bring them. Living far away from a major town with its frum stores,
maybe they need a few long-sleeve shells, a size-14 white shirt, or a new
storybook for their kids. Although, when you arrive at your destination, you
will be mostly on the receiving end, you still have many opportunities to give.
It’s Up to You –
and It’s for You
If you are reading
this and saying, “Well, that sounds very nice for when I’m a little less busy –
after Yom Tov… after I get a full night’s sleep…” or some other excuse – know
that giving to others is more important than your excuses. It builds you as a
person and helps you to become more than you thought you could be. Drawing on
past experiences will help energize you to give.
Think about a
moment in your life, such as reclining at the Pesach seder or the day
you moved into your new house, when you looked back and realized how every drop
of effort was worthwhile because it got you to that joyous moment. Use that
memory to motivate you to place the call or give the gift that will make
another person’s day special. Even though it may feel hard now, looking back
later – a month, a year, or a decade down the line – you will be proud of
yourself for each sensitivity-building success.
The famous
palindrome is the Hebrew word nasan, give tells us that the person who
actually gains the most from giving is the giver. When you make space in your
heart for others, you expand yourself, and in doing so become a better person.
Charlie Harary defines selflessness as “seeing ourselves as interconnected to
others.” He then says a very powerful statement: “The less your life is about
you, the better it is for you.” The benefit of giving is both internal and
eternal. When you take that step to improve your sensitivity, you will have
brightened someone else’s day and developed yourself as well.
* pseudonym
