by Yehudis
Rothstein*
I am often
humbled and inspired by the ways I see “regular” people in our community
reaching out to those in need. Because our community so strongly values having
and raising children, single men and women and couples who do not have children
may be unintentionally delegitimized, left out, or hurt. This article aims to
offer Torah-based insights to increase our sensitivity in this area. It seems
timely to present these thoughts at this juncture because the period of the counting
of the Omer is traditionally a time to work on improving our respect for our
fellow Jews. In addition, at this time of uncertain security in Eretz Yisrael,
it seems important for us to increase our unity and avoid even unintentionally
hurting or marginalizing our fellow Jews.
You
may remember that Chana gave birth to and mothered the prophet Shmuel, who
anointed King David. I would argue, however, based on the writings of Rebbetzin
Tziporah Heller-Gottlieb, that Chana’s most memorable – and most important – accomplishments
were her prayers: her jubilant song of praise and thanksgiving, Shiras Chana,
and her heartfelt plea. In fact, Chana innovated the silent prayer (Shmuel I
1:13). I think we would all agree that the Shemoneh Esrei is the most
important prayer in our davening. In shul, a hush falls over the crowd as each
man and woman silently stands before the Creator in prayer. The laws of Shemoneh
Esrei, sincere prayer offered in concentrated silence, are derived from
Chana (Talmud Brachos 31a). So Chana’s influence lives on in our prayers, three
times a day, across the Torah world. (See Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller-Gottlieb’s
article in Jewish Women Speak About Jewish Matters, edited by Sarah
Tikvah Kornbluth and Doron Kornbluth, Targum, 2000.)
Similarly,
you may recall the Rashi at the beginning of Parshas Noach that highlights
Noach’s good deeds as his primary offspring. The verse tells us, “These are the
products of Noach…” (Bereishis 6:9). However, only after using three terms to
describe his spiritual completion does the verse list his three sons. As Rashi,
based on the Midrash, teaches, this indicates that the most important products
of the righteous are not their biological children, but their good
deeds.**
Finally,
there is a group of beautiful verses in Yeshayahu that affirm the significance
and eternity of those who are childless: “And let not the childless say, indeed
I am a withered tree. For so says Hashem to those who are childless, those who
… hold tightly [with] my covenant. And I will give them … “yad vashem,”
a place and a name, better than sons and daughters. An eternal name … which
shall not be cut off” (Yeshayahu 56: 3-5). So, Chana, Noach, and Yeshayahu all
indicate that our good deeds and spiritual accomplishments are precious,
enduring, and are actually more primary than offspring.
* * *
Let’s
be aware that if a couple in our community does not have children, it may be a
painful situation for that couple. Let’s not make what may be an already
painful situation more hurtful by invading their dignity and privacy with
questions or comments. Childlessness is highly sensitive and private – between
the couple and their doctor, rav, and sometimes other professionals. Let’s also
be aware that even what may be intended as a hopeful, encouraging comment, such
as, “We’re waiting to hear good news from the two of you,” may be experienced
as an invasion of privacy and may be hurtful. Even a comment such as, “We
respect you even though you don’t have kids” can sting. Certainly, this is a
matter that should never be discussed in front of others or at a Shabbos table.
Let’s be sensitive to what may be a painful wound for the couple, that raising
the topic may be akin to rubbing an open wound or burn with a sharp knife. A
comment or question may be like a pierce in the heart, and one or both spouses
may suffer from sleepless nights as a result.
Let’s
remember that Hashem, our all-knowing and compassionate King, is really the
only One who is in a position to judge. We can never truly know another’s
circumstances and thus should either refrain entirely from judging others or
should give others the benefit of the doubt, knowing that while we may have
some information, we are not privy to all the details of their personal lives.
The verse in Vayikra exhorts our people to judge righteously. While the context
refers to actual judges, Rashi, based on the Midrash, adds a further
instruction to us all to judge our fellows favorably. (Vayikra 19:15)
And
let’s be aware that there may actually be two potential violations
involved:
·
It is a Torah prohibition
to say hurtful words (ona’as devarim) to another Jew (Vayikra 25:17 and
Rashi on the verse).
·
Perhaps an offshoot of the
positive command of loving one’s fellow as oneself, our Sages in Pirkei Avos
teach that one who embarrasses his fellow in public has no portion in the World
to Come (Vayikra 19:18 and Pirkei Avos 3:15).
Another
area of sensitivity: Certainly, those of us who have children do not have to
pretend that we do not and can speak about our children in a tactful and
sensitive way. But let’s not go out of our way to highlight the blessing of
children in front of those who are not so blessed. The following is based on a
true story: A mother was speaking to a woman who does not have children. The
mother commented: “My children take up so much time and energy. I barely have a
minute to breathe. But at least I am blessed with children!” Let’s exercise
greater sensitivity than that.
* * *
Let
us circle back to Chana and close with another aspect of her life. As indicated
above, while Chana eventually did become the mother of the prophet Shmuel, she
suffered many years of childlessness. Our people are blessed with many great
women who are not known for their children at all or who were not biological
mothers. Think Devorah the Judge and Sara Schneirer, the pioneer of modern
Torah education for women (Shoftim 4 and 5).
But
let us return to Chana. In detailing her experience, the verse says that
Penina, Chana’s co-wife, would anger Chana, “in order to hurt her/have her
shout out” (Shmuel I 1: 6). Rashi, after explaining the simple meaning that
Penina would do so in order to upset Chana, brings the Talmudic teaching that
Penina had good intentions. She would raise the issue of Chana’s childlessness
in order to prod Chana to shout out in prayer and daven for children.
Nevertheless, we learn that Penina’s comments were misplaced, and Hashem took
Penina to task for her words. (See Shmuel I 2:5 and Rashi on the verse.)
Let’s
take this to heart. Even if our intentions might be neutral – or even good – let’s
think carefully before we speak to ensure that our words respect the dignity of
our listeners and are not hurtful. Let’s remember that it is our spiritual
accomplishments that give us an eternal yad vashem, everlasting place
and name in Hashem’s house. And let us treat others with true respect and
regard for their potential greatness, regardless of whether they are parents of
children.
While
it is often painful and difficult for a childless couple to function in our
community, which places a strong value on having and raising children, the
issue may be challenging for the parents of the childless couple as well. They
may experience dashed hopes of seeing their children have children, and they
may be surrounded by peers who are celebrating the birth of grandchildren and
milestones in their grandchildren’s lives. They may have friends who may be
well-meaning but constantly ask them, “So, is your couple expecting a baby
yet?” Let’s instead hold our tongues and exercise discretion and sensitivity in
our interactions with parents and other close family members.
*The author,
a long-time Baltimore resident, is using a pseudonym.
**The super-commentary
on Rashi, Rashi K’fshuto, referencing the Re’am, puts it quite beautifully: For
the righteous, “the fruits of their labor and the legacy of their lives” are
their good deeds.
