Dear Sara,
I’m fresh out of an amazing year in seminary in Israel. I hadn’t thought much about what I wanted in a husband before seminary, but my teachers there really helped me appreciate the importance of Torah learning. I also visited many kollel families and was impressed by the beauty of their lives. Now I’m home and I told my parents I’d like to marry a learning boy. They just laughed.
My family is comfortable enough that I never had to worry about money, but not enough that they can offer any serious support. My mother keeps telling me that there’s no way I could live a kollel lifestyle; I’d never be happy living on such a tight budget. I’d like to think I could – aren’t ideals more important than a new outfit – but maybe she knows me better than I know myself. Should I give up my dream?
Sincerely yours,
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
To be (a Kollel wife) or not to be? That is the question being debated at post-seminary dining room tables across the country. And without overgeneralizing, unless the family itself has grown up in Kollel, often it is the fresh-out-of-seminary graduate with the fire in her eyes voting for “yes” and the wearyfrom-having-paid-the-tuition parents who are questioning it.
Your question touches upon a dilemma each of us faces in our Avodas Hashem on a regular basis; do I go for the ideal or for the real? I’d love to be that woman who has 15 people for the kiruv Shabbaton, but I’m exhausted and my family will pay the price. Which of those two voices, both real, do I honor?
The question of Kollel or not is complex for several reasons:
1) This is not a one-time decision like our example above. The ramifications of this decision are farreaching and long-lasting IY”H. They affect the physical, emotional and spiritual future of you, your husband and your children IY”H.
2) You are making a decision without any knowledge of what it actually entails. You ask, “Aren’t ideals more important than a new outfit?” The question itself reflects your current position and perspective in life. Unless you yourself have grown up in such an environment, it is difficult to project the future expenses and dilemmas that come with a growing family. You yourself may be willing to forego the outfit, but what about a daughter who can’t? What about a child who desperately needs summer camp for their spiritual survival? What about rent? Food for Yom Tov? Speech therapy? Frum life comes with tremendous expenses before we factor in “luxuries” like a new outfit.
In addition, you are making decisions for conditions you have never yet experienced .You have no idea how you will feel when you are newly pregnant and might have two other toddlers in tow. Will you have the physical and emotional wherewithal to continue working? You might not have the same resources you now have as a well fed, well rested, young woman with few financial and homemaking responsibilities.
Now, none of that means that you should give up your dream of being a Kollel wife. What it does mean is that you need to take an honest look at yourself and answer some pointed questions. Are these actually my dreams? I am struck by how quickly you shift gears when you ask if maybe your mother knows you better than you do and maybe you should give up your dreams? Inspiration is exciting! What a privilege to have gone to seminary to fully appreciate the power of Torah and see it in action, to be able to reexamine your priorities. Inspiration is a gift…maintenance is the real stuff of life.
While you have no way of knowing what life brings, your current behavior is your best indicator of what your values are. So you must ask yourself: How do I do in choosing the ideal over the real? Am I “mistapek b’muat” even now? It seems your parents will not be providing complete support. What are YOU willing to do to make this dream a reality? Are you already in the midst of a realistic plan for parnassa (learning a skill, getting a degree, working and building a savings account?) No person can see themselves objectively; please engage the people who know and love you in this process. Speak to teachers from high school and seminary, older friends in Kollel, and of course your parents. While they may not understand your new ideals, they might have some insight about the girl they raised for the last nineteen years.
The irony of course is that HKB”H runs the world in mysterious ways. Leading a working lifestyle is no guarantee of adequate parnassa and many working families struggle with a lot of the same issues. The question here is one of commitment and self-awareness. If you determine that a learning home is your top priority commit yourself to the necessary steps and practice living the lifestyle you hope to emulate. See if you are able to sustain these values. And be real about the entire picture of your avodas Hashem, of which learning is one part.
May you be zoche to build a true Torah home in the way that maximizes your ruchnius potential!
Sara
