Dating Perspectives : Redirection, Not Rejection

 Rejection hurts. And particularly in the shidduch world, where emotions mount quickly and expectations run high, a “no” can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. It certainly did for “Rachel”:

Last month I was redt a wonderful boy from a great family. He had everything I had been looking for. I’m 26 years old and have been dating for six years. I know what works and what doesn’t; this sounded like it would work, and I was excited. Date after date, everything went well. We had a great flow of small talk and even better deep conversations, and our hashkafos were aligned. After I got home after our seventh date, I felt ready to shift to a new stage. I imagined calling my friends to let them know the happy news, sending out a beautiful vort invite, and picking out a dress for the proposal. Just as I sank into my bed for the night, the shadchan called. The boy had said no. I tearfully hung up, trying to digest the news. He refused to give a reason, insisting that, although I was a very nice girl, he had come to the conclusion that I was not for him.

I’m a wreck now. Although I get up and go to my job each day, my heart feels broken into a thousand pieces. No one but my family knows about this as I keep my dating life private from friends. How do I move on? After so many years of searching, waiting, and hoping, will it ever happen for me? How can I digest this painful rejection without even receiving a reason? How can I continue dating, knowing this may happen again? What am I to do?

How to Face Rejection

Unfortunately, breakups like Rachel’s do happen in the shidduch world, causing a tremendous amount of emotional pain, and there is no magic potion to take the pain away and simply move on. Rejection stings, and as the old saying goes, “the only way through it is through it.” Here are some suggestions for coping with the pain:

1) Feel all the “feels” there are to feel. This means fully acknowledging and validating your feelings. The only thing worse than pain is prolonging pain, which easily happens when we try to keep our feelings from resurfacing. Ask yourself what feelings come up for you. Is it hopelessness, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, or anger? Identify the feeling and then process and normalize the feeling. One great way to process emotions is to write about them by journaling. Music and art are also great ways to express oneself. Best is to talk about the emotions with someone who is understanding and nonjudgmental. Remember that the feelings may come and go; there’s no specific time when your feelings “should” go away. Allow time to take its time in healing you.

2) Find support. As much as you may want to keep rejection a secret, it is important to find at least one or two close mentors, family members, or friends with whom you can share your pain. Being “heard” provides some relief. It also helps to hear other people talk about similar experiences they may have had, thus normalizing the experience. When looking for support, it is important to remember that no one can read your mind. Define for yourself how you appreciate receiving support from others. Is it a hug, time to talk, or simply being together without having to explain yourself? You need to reach out and ask for the kind of support you feel will help you.

3) Reflect and grow. This may be a hard one. When we create meaning out of painful circumstances, we create resilience. Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor, psychologist, and writer, wrote, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Remember, everyone deals with rejection. Here’s where you may want to reflect on what you can learn about yourself from the situation. This does not mean to take blame or guilt; it means mining some valuable life lessons. Ask yourself:

·         Who am I as a single without a spouse? What is my goal in life?

·         What aspects of this situation are affecting my self-esteem?

·         Do I look down on or feel a need for growth in a specific area of my personality?

·         How can I practice self-compassion and treat myself kindly during this time?

Tell yourself:

·         My worth is not defined by someone’s actions or feelings towards me.

·         My worth does not depend on my marital status.

·         Getting to know someone I liked – even if he rejected me – was worthwhile as I have learned something about what I am looking for.

·         Being in this position, although I would not choose it, has given me greater sensitivity towards others; how can I give back?

4) Self-care and resilience. Self-care is all the rage these days. But by self-care, I don’t mean pampering yourself endlessly with mani-pedis, bubble baths, or a new wardrobe to drown the pain. Self-care is more about understanding your value and building your self-esteem. Minimize and try to exterminate the negative self-talk and replace them with thoughts that build you up.

The Pain Will End

Here’s a caveat: Using rejection as a growth opportunity does not mean the pain will go away. The pain will most probably sting for a while. But no emotion lasts forever, and a rejection is not the final stop but a redirection toward what is truly meant for you. Focus on building and enriching your own life. With time, support, and self-compassion, healing is possible – and the door that is meant to open, will.

Yocheved Rosenthal, LMSW, is a social worker working in Brooklyn, NY. She works with kids, teens, and adults navigating various challenges in parenting, dating, and mood disorders. You can reach her through her email yochevedcrosenthal@gmail.com.