One of the
most important and challenging mitzvos is kibbud av v’eim – honoring
parents. The prime examples provided by Chazal (Kiddushin 31b) of
honoring parents are feeding, dressing, and transporting them. Although under
normal circumstances the need for this is limited, this mitzva comes to the
fore with elderly parents who are no longer able to care for their own needs.
It can be tremendously taxing for the children to take care of elderly parents.
On the physical level, being on call to assist with daily functions can become
very time consuming and involve great physical strain. On the emotional level,
it can be very difficult to see one’s parents age and decline; a feeling that
is exacerbated when needing to help them with basic life functions.
Of course, we all understand that there is a mitzva in the Torah to
assist our parents even when it is very difficult. We also understand that we
have a basic responsibility to show hakaras hatov (gratitude) to our
parents for bringing us into the world and for raising us. This sense of
gratitude behooves us to take care of them as they age.
It is even more challenging for children to care for elderly parents
than it is for parents to raise children. As the saying goes, “One mother can
take care of 10 children, but 10 children can’t take care of one mother.” When
a baby is unable to feed himself or get dressed, one feels that this is how
things are supposed to be. This is appropriate for that stage of life, and
there is an excitement in anticipating the child’s development into a stage of
independence. The parents get nachas from the child’s development and
feel that all the effort extended toward the child is an investment towards his
future.
This is not the case with aging parents. There is a sense that this is
not how it’s supposed to be. The parents have declined from what they once
were. Instead of the excitement of raising children, there is sadness. Rather
than nachas or development, and without the anticipation for
improvement, only a question about the rate of the decline remains[EB1] .
Furthermore, on a physical level, children are small and light, but aging
parents are full adults and can be very difficult to dress and move.
Yet despite all these challenges, there is a unique opportunity. Chazal
refer to taking care of the deceased as a chesed shel emes, a true
kindness, since it is done without an expectation of receiving anything in
return. To a certain degree this is true with taking care of the elderly, as
well. It is not done for nachas, the natural excitement is lacking (and
they are not even cute!). This is an altruistic kindness, done purely for the
sake of the mitzva and the responsibility to show gratitude to one’s parents.
* * *
It is interesting to note that the Torah promises a long life to one
who honors his parents. The Rabbeinu Bachya (Yisro 20:12) quotes a fascinating
explanation from Rav Sa’adya Gaon. Sometimes parents will move in with their
children and can become a great burden. The children may begin to feel that
their responsibilities towards their parents are not allowing the children
themselves to live their own lives. It is for this reason that the Torah
assures us that the months and years that we devote towards our parents will be
returned to us in full.
It is ideal for a child to take care of his aging parent personally, as
mentioned by the Tosfos Ri HaZaken (Kiddushin 31b). It is possible to
explain this based on the Torah concept that it is always preferable to perform
a mitzva oneself rather than delegating it to another. When parents become
unable to care for themselves, the ideal option is often to house them at one
of their children’s homes. There, they can feel at home and receive the regular
care of their loved ones. In addition to the benefit of such an arrangement to
the parents, housing elderly parents provides an opportunity for the
grandchildren to build their relationship with the grandparents and possibly to
help in their care. Furthermore, the regular devotion of the children to their
parents will model an important lesson for the grandchildren to learn about
care and devotion to parents.
The gemara in Meseches Kiddushin (31b) indicates that it can
sometimes become too difficult for one to personally take care of an elderly
parent. It relates how Rebbi Assi loyally did his best to take care of his
mother’s needs and requests. However, at a certain point, his mother began to
make unreasonable requests, and Rebbi Assi was forced to live elsewhere,
because it became impossible for him to be subject to his mother’s demands.
The Rambam and Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 240:10) understand
that Rebbi Assi’s mother must have developed some form of dementia. They derive
from this story that one must try one’s best to take care of a parent suffering
from dementia, but if it becomes too difficult, they should pass on the
responsibility to others. The same holds true with any situation in which it
becomes too difficult for one to personally care for a parent.
* * *
In today’s world, many good options exist for assistance with an
elderly parent. It is possible to hire a caregiver to come to the home and take
care of the physically taxing roles of caring for a parent. At times, this is
even the parent’s own preference, such as when the parent needs assistance with
their bodily needs. Sometimes, when financially viable, hiring a part-time or full-time
caregiver to come to the parent’s house can even be better than housing the
parent in a child’s home, since this may provide the parent with a sense of
independence and privacy.
In some scenarios, it is preferable to send an aging parent to a long-term
care facility. Often, the professional medical and social work staff at such
facilities are able provide healthcare, a social structure, and activities
suited to the interests of elderly people that would not be available at the
child’s home. Furthermore, if the parents and children do not get along well,
it might be in everyone’s best interest if the parent lives elsewhere.
Children often feel guilty when they have to put a parent in a facility
or even hire an aide. It is common to have thoughts such as, “What type of
child am I? After everything that my parents did for me my entire life, I won’t
even have the decency to care for them myself?!” These are normal thoughts that
come from a good place. But one had to remember that the best way to do the
mitzva of kibud av v’eim is to do what is best for the parents. If they
will receive better care from others, that is what should be done. This
includes the situation of the child becoming so physically or emotionally
drained from caring for the parent, that he will become frustrated with the
parent or not have to patience to provide the parent with a positive
atmosphere. The gemara (Kiddushin 31a) states that if one provides for
all of his parent’s needs but does so with anger and a negative attitude, he
has violated the mitzva of honoring his parents. We learn from Rebbi Assi that
it can become too much for the child, and the proper response would be to pass
on the responsibility to others.
But if someone does have to make the decision to have others care for
the parent, that in no way exempts him from tending to the parent. I would like
to illustrate this with an anecdote about a husband caring for his wife. I
vividly remember my wife’s grandfather, Dr. Fred Greene, a”h, who was
one of the most devoted husbands I’ve ever met. There came a point, however,
where the best thing for his wife was to be sent to an assisted living facility,
and he did so. Yet this didn’t diminish his devotion one iota. He would spend
his days at the Sterling Care Assisted Living, singing to her, keeping her
stimulated, and making sure that the staff gave her optimal care. His devotion
undoubtably improved the quality and quantity of her life immeasurably. This
sets an example of how one can get assistance in taking care of a declining
relative yet remain as loyal and devoted as ever in helping the relative
receive optimal care.
* * *
The requirement to assist one’s parents is limited to giving time and
energy. If there is a need to hire outside assistance, the child does not need
to use his own money. Rather, it should come from the parent’s account (Shulchan
Aruch 240:5). However, if the parent doesn’t have the necessary funds, the
child should provide them and, if necessary, may even use tzedaka money. The Rema
(ibid.) rules that the cost of supporting the parents should be divided among
all the children, proportionate to each child’s financial status. He qualifies
further that if some of the children are wealthy while others are lacking
means, the burden of support falls exclusively upon the wealthy children.
In conclusion, taking care of an aging parent can be overwhelming. Yet
it is a tremendous opportunity for the children to show their dedication and
devotion to their parents in a pure and profound manner. It is the children’s
job to shoulder this responsibility, while always keeping in mind the parents’
best interest. The parents’ wellbeing and the children’s capacity will
determine whether the children should take care of their parents personally,
hire a caregiver, or send the parents to a long-term care facility. Regardless,
the children should maintain regular involvement in their parents’ lives and healthcare
and do their utmost to enhance the quality and longevity of their lives.
Rabbi
Jaffee is a magid shiur at
Yeshiva Gedolah Ohr Hatorah and author of numerous sefarim,
including What Can I Say Today.
[EB1]I try to delete “there
is” and “there are” when possible. It is better to write your sentences without
these phrases.
