“Yes, she’s a wonderful, tznius girl with good middos who loves to do chesed.” This is your standard response when anyone asks about a potential shidduch.
“Does she have a good
relationship with her parents?” the questioner continues. “Let me think…. Yes,”
you respond. “Any emotional issues?” the woman probes further. “Hmm…. Not that
I know of.” Now the questioning is finally coming to an end, “Is there anything
I should be concerned about?” “Um, I don’t think so. She’s the perfect girl for
your son.”
You feel relieved you were
able to answer all the questions to the boy’s mother’s satisfaction and will hopefully
have a part in the success of this shidduch and building a Jewish
family. Was this the proper way to respond to these questions? Well, if the
answers were honest and gave an accurate description of the girl, then they
were okay – although it would have been better if they came across with more
confidence and contained examples that illustrated the good qualities you
mentioned.
But what if the girl’s
strength and passion isn’t really chesed? What if you had to think about
how to respond regarding the relationship with her parents since her father is
verbally abusive? And the “Hmm…” before the answer about the emotional issues
is because she takes anxiety medication, although you are not quite sure why
she takes it. What if the hesitation before confirming there are no other
concerns is that she has been hospitalized from time to time, but you don’t
know the details?
If these issues do exist,
then the aforementioned answers do not give an accurate picture of the girl. It
is ironic that, often, the same people who are lax in following the laws of
loshon hora in their daily speech go to the opposite extreme when asked
questions about shidduchim and will not say a single negative remark. They
present everyone as perfect and ideal, with no faults. Of course, the reason for
this is that they assume their day-to-day lashon hara will not harm
anyone, while they realize someone’s future is on the line when speaking about shidduchim.
However, it is imperative
to realize that concealing negative information about shidduchim when
not halachically mandated can be terribly harmful. Someone is relying upon you
for their future, and you are taking responsibility for that. At best, they
will realize after much emotional investment that the other party is not who
they were looking for, and at worst, they could end up with a dysfunctional
marriage or divorce.
Conversely, being overly
transparent and elaborate about every deficiency is also harmful. Imagine if
you were to answer, “Well she is a nice girl, but you have to realize what
you’re getting into. She’s had a terrible upbringing. I’ve heard her father
scream at her often. I know she has anxiety, and I’m sure that’s due to the
deep trauma from her relationship with her father. And I don’t even know what
to say about her medical condition! She doesn’t do much chesed, but she
went to a top seminary and will make a good mother. Hatzlacha!” How are
you left feeling about this shidduch? Probably not so comfortable.
This is not fair to the
girl. First of all, you’ve added a lot of your own commentary on the situation
that might not be accurate. You should always stick to facts; omit your
personal hunches and interpretations. Furthermore, even if everything you said
was true, you didn’t frame it in the proper way. A totally different picture would
emerge if you answered the questioner like this:
“She has persevered
through many tough situations and grown from them. She is fully on top of her
physical and emotional health, and they are both under control. She is more tznius
and reserved by nature and not involved in community service but focuses all
her energy on preserving a positive atmosphere in her home. She aspires to
raise an emotionally intelligent family with love and devotion.” Doesn’t this
shed a more positive light on all those dismal “facts”?
Where does this leave us?
What do you say, and what don’t you say? The answer to this is very complex and
is highly case sensitive, as I discuss at length in chapter eight of my book What
Can I Say… Today. On the most basic level, all answers must be truthful.
You should not have a standard opening sentence that the girl is a baalas
chesed if you don’t know that to be true. You should generally not
volunteer negative information unless you know such information would render
the shidduch totally incompatible. If you are asked a general question
about something like middos, you should give a positive, generic answer
since you don’t know exactly what the questioner’s standards are. Most people
have some good middos according to certain standards. (Of course, if the
person under discussion has particularly poor middos, that would be
different.) But if you are asked a specific question, you should give an
accurate, quantifiable answer. There are other significant guidelines, but this
is a sampling of some of the most essential ones.
Due to the complexity of
these halachos, it is imperative to be in close contact with a rav who
is aware of the situation and to follow his guidance. A prudent person, knowing
he or she has been added to someone’s resume, and being aware of any
deficiencies that may need to be discussed about the individual, will have this
discussion with a rav in advance. If you get a phone call about someone
and didn’t have a chance to speak to a rav yet, simply say that this is
not a good time to talk, and be sure to ask a rav before they call back.
If, in the middle of a conversation, you are asked a question and you don’t
know what you are allowed to say, just answer in a very general way that
doesn’t sound suspicious or simply say that you don’t know. Then, after the
conversation, ask a rav and he will guide you if you should call the
questioner back to tell them more information.
As a rebbe of beis
medrash-age students and an author of a sefer on shmiras halashon,
I get many shidduch calls as well as shailos about how to respond
to shidduch questions. These can be among the most nerve-racking
conversations, since I realize how much is on the line. I realize that a
deviation in either direction can affect people’s lives. When someone
asks me about relaying negative information, I often have a long discussion
with them about all the details of the situation and sometimes ask for more
time to think about it. Even after writing about and dealing with so many
cases, certain situations remain unclear to me. I daven for siyata d’shmaya
and sometimes need to consult senior rabbanim.
I hope through this
article we have gained the proper perspective on dealing with the great
responsibility of answering questions about shidduchim. With balanced
answers through halachic guidance, we will fulfil our responsibility of helping
people find their bashert and build happy, healthy homes.
